In our Practical Toolbox for managers training program, we often hear that the time spent on giving feedback is one of the highlights, and implementing DESC frequently makes it onto the manager’s transfer plan. One of the key points they take away is that the success of your feedback/feedforward rests upon your broader relationship with your partner. Put simply, if you have invested in them as a human being then feedback conversations are far more likely to go well. To look at it from the other side, if you haven’t invested in somebody, if you haven’t built trust, and if you haven’t built a meaningful professional relationship with them … well don’t be surprised when thing go pear-shaped. If you are managing others, you need your emotional bank account with your staff to be healthy.
What is an “emotional bank account”?
The term “emotional bank account” appears in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In Covey’s own words:
“An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”.
Covey made the term popular, but the concept behind the “emotional bank account” is not new. When we take more than we give from a relationship over the long-term, then we shouldn’t be surprised if the relationship suffers. This holds true in all our relationships, from those with our partners, kids, friends, colleagues, clients, and suppliers.
The metaphor took off within the business training world because it is immediately understandable. You make deposits, save up money, and when you need that money later, you withdraw it. An emotional bank account is an account of trust instead of money. We all know how a bank account works … plus bank account sounds more business-like which helps a certain time of person accept the idea.
Every time a manager says something supportive, shows respect, invests in somebody as an individual, helps somebody with a difficult situation, makes time for them etc they make a deposit in that person’s emotional bank account. Over time, the effects of these deposits will help to transform that relationship. And conversely, every time they criticize, blame, defend, ignore, lie, intimidate, threaten, etc they make a withdrawal.
We are all human and there are times when we are making more withdrawals than deposits. Just like a bank, we can go in the red and then come out of it. The trick is to be in in the healthy green zone over the longer term.
Why should managers care about emotional bank accounts?
It is rare to hear managers dismissing the concept. Almost all managers we work with in our management and leadership solutions want positive, productive, rewarding, trust-based relationships with their staff and teams. Concepts such as authenticity, credibility and trust are valued by the vast majority of organizations, and books such as “Servant leadership in Action” and Goffee & Jones’“Why should anyone be led by you?” and have captured this.
A personal sense of self-worth and respect is important, but meaningful and strong relationships in the workplace also lead directly to tangible results. As a manager, your success is largely is dependent on your staff. Leaders who build strong and meaningful relationships within and beyond their organization give their business a competitive advantage. Emotional bank accounts are not just about the “soft stuff”. They are about delivering results through performance.
Healthy emotional bank accounts play a role in practically all of a manager’s day-to-day tasks. When a manager tasks, delegates, motivates, influences, leads meetings, communicates, reviews, resolves conflicts, gives feedback, navigates difficult discussions etc., the relationships impact the success. All of these are moments where a manager can deposit or withdraw, and each of them has a range of potential for success or failure.
To summarize: If a manager cares about their emotional bank accounts they are more likely to succeed in the short, medium and long-term. If a manager doesn’t take care of relationships and withdraws more than they deposit, then they can’t expect to see a highly motivated team delivering outstanding results.
Check your emotional bank accounts – a practical activity for managers
- Write down the names of 3+ people that are important to your team’s success. Ideally try and identify a range e.g. team member, manager in another department, customer, supplier etc …
- Then ask them if they have time for a meeting to reflect on your working relationship. Make sure they understand that this is truly the reason, that nothing is wrong per se, that there isn’t a second goal to the conversation.
- Start the meeting by reiterating that you would like to strengthen the relationship. Ask them to share things that you have done/not done which will/can/would build trust.
- Listen and ask exploratory questions to understand. Do not reframe what they say into what you wish they had said. Do not defend. Just listen.
- Thank them and let things settle.
- Finally, identify specifics and patterns amongst the people you’ve spoken too, and identify next steps.
More about emotional bank accounts
In our next blog post we’ll go deeper into the behaviours related to “how you build emotional bank accounts” and share another practical exercise.