Influencing

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Storytelling in Business: The Anatomy of Great Storytelling

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This post explores the techniques storytellers use to hold attention, build credibility and leave audiences with ideas they remember. Then, we’ll compare their different storytelling styles and uncover the hidden structures that make both talks so compelling.

  • Reading time
  • 10 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Trainers, facilitators, leaders, managers and professionals who want to become a more engaging presenter or storyteller.

Let’s not talk about our storytelling solutions and how you could benefit from adding stories to your workplace communication. Instead, let’s watch 2 great storytellers in action and judge how they do it :-)

In this article, we’ll dissect two of the most influential TED Talks ever delivered: Andrew Stanton’s The Clues to a Great Story and Simon Sinek’s How Great Leaders Inspire Action. Although their styles are very different, both speakers consistently hold their audience’s attention and leave them with ideas that are remembered years later. Stanton, the Pixar filmmaker behind Toy Story, Finding Nemo and WALL-E, shows how stories create emotional connection. Simon Sinek, leadership author and creator of the Golden Circle, demonstrates how a simple framework can make a complex idea memorable and persuasive.

Rather than focusing on what they say, we’ll examine how they say it. We’ll look at the storytelling techniques, presentation structure, audience psychology and rhetorical devices that make each talk so compelling. Finally, we’ll compare their contrasting approaches to reveal an important insight: there isn’t one formula for great storytelling. Stanton persuades through emotion and narrative, while Sinek persuades through logic, patterns and a simple mental model.

Andrew Stanton: The clues to a great story

Andrew doesn’t merely describe storytelling—he performs it. The audience experiences curiosity, surprise, laughter, and emotional connection in the same sequence that his principles recommend. That’s why the talk remains one of TED’s most enduring presentations on communication.

 

Here are the techniques that make him so compelling.

1. He opens with a story, not thesis

Instead of explaining what is he about to do with his TED talk – he starts talking about someone called MacGregor and for the first half of the joke, you have no idea what’s going on. Using this approach, he’s creating what psychologists call an information gap. Humans dislike unfinished patterns, so we keep listening.

He lets you experience the idea before defining it. Only after the punchline does he explain: “Storytelling is joke-telling.”

2. He constantly creates unanswered questions

Throughout the talk he repeatedly makes you wonder:

  • Why does Pixar tell stories this way?
  • What is the one secret?
  • What does “make me care” actually mean?
  • Why does he keep mentioning his childhood?
  • Where is this leading?

Every answer leads naturally to another question. That’s what makes the talk feel like one continuous journey rather than a list of tips.

3. He never teaches in the abstract

Notice how few theoretical statements are made in this video. Instead, nearly every concept comes wrapped inside:

  • an anecdote
  • a childhood memory
  • a movie example
  • a quote
  • a joke
  • a personal confession

4. He earns authority instead of announcing it

He almost never says, “I’ve won two Oscars.” Instead, authority emerges naturally. He casually references:

  • writing Toy Story
  • directing Finding Nemo
  • making WALL-E
  • conversations inside Pixar

You think, “This person has actually lived this.” That makes the advice feel authentic rather than promotional.

5. His talk has emotional variety

Many presentations stay at one emotional level. Stanton constantly changes rhythm. He moves between humor, curiosity, surprise, nostalgia, vulnerability and inspiration, never allowing the audience to settle into predictability.

6. He trusts the audience

One of his biggest ideas is Pixar’s famous principle: “Don’t give the audience 4. Give them 2 + 2.” He believes audiences enjoy participating. He practices this throughout the talk. He rarely over-explains. Instead he gives enough pieces for listeners to connect themselves. When people arrive at an insight on their own, it feels like their discovery rather than his lecture.

7. Everything serves one central idea

Many storytellers try to include too many messages or lessons in their story. This one doesn’t. Everything points back to one overarching message: Great stories make people care.

Every anecdote, joke and movie example reinforces that single idea. Because there’s one clear thread, the audience never feels lost.

8. He mixes confidence with vulnerability

Toward the end, he shares the story of being born prematurely and how that shaped his outlook. Until then, he’s been the expert. Suddenly he’s simply another human being. That shift creates emotional connection. Many speakers reveal personal stories too early or too dramatically. Stanton waits until the audience already trusts him, so the story lands with greater impact.

9. He finishes with meaning, not information

Most presentations end with a summary. He ends with a belief. His closing message is essentially: Stories affirm that our lives matter. That is much bigger than “here are some storytelling techniques”. He elevates storytelling from a communication skill to something fundamentally human.

People don’t leave remembering everything he said. They leave remembering how he made them feel.

 

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Simon Sinek: How great leaders inspire action

This is one of the most analyzed TED Talks ever, and for good reason. Like Andrew Stanton, Simon Sinek isn’t simply presenting an idea—he’s carefully constructing an experience that leads the audience to his conclusion. By the time he introduces his main idea, many listeners already feel that it “makes sense,” even before they’ve fully examined it. Unlike many presentations that offer a collection of tips, Sinek gives the audience a single mental model that they can apply across different situations. Whether or not every claim holds universally, the talk’s enduring appeal comes from its simplicity, consistency, and memorable structure.

 

 

1. He starts with a puzzle followed by examples

He begins his story with a mystery: “How do you explain when things don’t go as we assume?” Immediately he follows with examples:

  • Why is Apple consistently innovative?
  • Why did the Wright brothers succeed?
  • Why do some leaders inspire while others don’t?

Notice what happens. Your brain starts searching for an explanation before he’s provided one. He’s created a problem that demands a solution.

Only after establishing the mystery does he introduce his framework.

2. He uses one idea to explain many things

One hallmark of memorable speakers is that they reduce complexity. Sinek doesn’t present five leadership principles.

He presents one simple model:

WHY → HOW → WHAT

Then he uses that same framework to explain:

  • Apple
  • Martin Luther King Jr.
  • the Wright brothers
  • leadership
  • marketing
  • customer loyalty

Because one idea keeps solving different problems, it feels powerful.

3. He speaks in patterns

Much of the talk relies on repetition.

  • First:  Most companies communicate from the outside in.
  • Then: Great leaders communicate from the inside out.

He repeats this idea several times, each time with a different example. Every repetition strengthens the mental model. Instead of feeling repetitive, it feels increasingly convincing because each example adds another layer.

4. He uses contrast constantly

This is one of the most sophisticated techniques in Sinek’s talk, and it’s easy to miss because he uses it so naturally.  Most speakers explain an idea by definition. Sinek explains it by contrast. Instead of saying “Great leaders are people who inspire others through purpose” he repeatedly puts two examples side by side and lets the audience notice the difference. Comparison is so powerful in storytelling because our brains are much better at detecting differences than absorbing abstract definitions.

5. He explains abstract ideas with concrete examples

Purpose is abstract. Belief is abstract. Inspiration is abstract. Instead of defining them academically, Sinek uses stories everyone can visualize. Apple isn’t discussed as a technology company. It’s presented almost as a character. Concrete stories make abstract ideas easier to remember.

Likewise:

  • Martin Luther King becomes an example of purpose.
  • The Wright brothers become an example of belief overcoming resources.

6. He keeps returning to one unforgettable sentence

Perhaps the most memorable line in the talk is: “People don’t buy what you do; they buy why you do it.”

Whether you agree with it universally or see it as an oversimplification in some contexts, it’s an exceptionally effective communication device. It’s short, rhythmic, slightly surprising, and easy to repeat. It becomes the lens through which listeners interpret everything that follows.

7. His visuals are almost unbelievably simple

The Golden Circle is just three concentric circles.

WHY – HOW – WHAT

That’s it. Too many speakers create complex diagrams. Sinek creates a picture you can redraw from memory on a napkin.

The simpler the visual, the easier it is to remember—and the easier it is for the audience to reuse later.

8. He makes the audience feel clever

This is subtle.

Rather than saying, “Here’s the answer”, he says “think about it” repeatedly guiding the audience to discover the pattern themselves. When people feel they’ve reached the conclusion on their own, they’re more likely to accept and remember it.

9. His talk has remarkable structural discipline

Almost everything supports one central message. If you removed any example, the talk would still work. That’s because each part of the story serves exactly the same purpose: to reinforce the WHY → HOW → WHAT framework. There’s very little that feels like a tangent. This is one reason the talk remains easy to follow despite introducing examples from business, history, biology, and leadership.

A comparison: Andrew vs. Simon

What’s particularly interesting is that Sinek’s style is almost the opposite of Stanton’s.

  • Andrew Stanton tells stories that reveal ideas.
  • Simon Sinek tells ideas through stories.

Both are compelling, but they achieve it in different ways. Andrew Stanton relies heavily on emotional storytelling, while Sinek is primarily using argumentative storytelling. His examples are selected less to evoke emotion and more to persuade. Each one acts like another piece of evidence in a case he’s building.

Hidden structures

Stanton’s talk mirrors the structure of a good film:

  • Inciting incident – the Scottish joke sparks curiosity.
  • Rising action – he introduces clue after clue about storytelling, each one answering part of the puzzle while opening another.
  • Midpoint revelation – “Make me care.” The audience begins to see the unifying principle.
  • Deepening stakes – the talk shifts from craft (“how to tell stories”) to purpose (“why stories matter”).
  • Emotional climax – his personal reflections reveal that storytelling isn’t just a professional skill; it’s how we connect with each other.
  • Resolution – the audience leaves with both practical tools and a renewed appreciation for the role stories play in human life.

What makes Sinek’s talk so effective is that it follows the structure of a compelling argument.

  • Inciting question – Why do some leaders and organizations consistently inspire while others don’t?
  • Rising investigation – He presents case after case that challenges conventional explanations, building curiosity and tension.
  • Midpoint revelation – The Golden Circle is introduced. Suddenly, the audience has a simple framework that appears to explain the earlier mysteries.
  • Testing the theory – Rather than moving on, Sinek stress-tests the model with examples from technology, aviation, civil rights, and biology. Each example strengthens the audience’s confidence in the framework.
  • Broadening the implications – The talk expands from marketing into leadership, culture, communication, and decision-making. What began as a business puzzle now feels like a universal principle.
  • Resolution – The audience leaves not just with a slogan but with a new way of interpreting organizations, leaders, and even their own communication.

Key takeaways

After analysing both talks, one thing becomes clear: there is no single formula for great storytelling. Andrew Stanton and Simon Sinek take almost opposite approaches, yet both keep people engaged because they understand how audiences think.

As you have seen in the videos, great communicators design an experience. Whether that experience is emotional (Stanton) or intellectual (Sinek), the audience is taken on a journey. That’s a much more powerful takeaway than any individual storytelling technique.

Here are the lessons that any presenter, trainer or leader can apply:

  • Start with curiosity – Don’t begin by explaining. Begin by creating a question, a mystery or a reason to keep listening.
  • Have one clear message – Both talks are built around one memorable idea. Every story, example and detail supports that central message.
  • Show before you explain – Your audience experience the idea first. Stories and examples often communicate more powerfully than abstract explanations.
  • Make ideas concrete – Turn concepts into examples people can picture. Stories make abstract ideas easier to understand and remember.
  • Trust your audience – Don’t over-explain. Give people enough information to discover the insight themselves.
  • Design the journey – Stanton creates emotional connection through narrative. Sinek creates understanding through patterns and logic. Both succeed because they take the audience somewhere.
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How to Help Other People Listen Better

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This post explores the other side of the conversation: what speakers can do to make listening easier. It offers practical ways to prepare listeners, communicate more effectively, and increase the chances that your message is understood as intended.

  • Reading time
  • 9 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Anyone who wants to communicate more effectively at work, particularly managers, team leaders, project managers, and professionals who regularly explain ideas, solve problems, or influence others.

We deliver a lot of communication training. None the many sessions we deliver to our clients focus on listening skills. The topic of listening skills usually appears as part of a broader programme—effective communication in virtual teams, coaching skills for managers, giving feedback, difficult conversations. Is that because our clients think everyone is already a great listener? No. They know that poor listening causes problems at work every day. I think the reason is simpler: listening feels like a life skill. Unlike presenting, writing reports or leading a department, it’s something we assume we’ve learned simply by growing up.

The trouble is, research consistently suggests that we’re not nearly as good at listening as we think we are. Great listeners are rare. In leadership, some studies estimate they make up only a small percentage of people. Research on informational listening—the ability to accurately retain and understand information—shows that most of us overestimate our own ability. Which means there are probably people in your life who interrupt, jump to conclusions, filter what you say through their own experiences, get distracted halfway through the conversation or begin solving a problem before they’ve fully understood it.

Most articles and also our training solutions focus on becoming a better listener. This one takes the opposite perspective.

Consider for a moment, all those people who aren’t being listened to. The colleague whose explanation gets interrupted before they’ve finished. The project manager who keeps raising a scheduling conflict that nobody seems to hear. The employee who leaves a meeting thinking, I don’t think anyone actually understood what I was trying to say.

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What can you do to help other people listen better?

We can’t control how someone else listens. We can, however, make it easier for them to succeed.

Here are nine ways to do that.

  • Prepare them for listening.
  • Ask whether they have time to listen.
  • Look for the type of listener you need.
  • Tell them how you need them to listen.
  • Ask them where they’d like to start.
  • Highlight what matters most.
  • Give them time to process.
  • Ask them to summarise what they heard.
  • Acknowledge the listening.

Prepare them for listening

We often assume that if someone doesn’t understand us, they’ll simply ask questions. They don’t always do that.  At work we explain complex situations, hoping the other person will recognise the issue, validate our concerns or arrive at the same conclusion we have. If we’re still organising our own thoughts—or we’re communicating something emotionally charged—that makes listening even harder. A listener has to separate facts from feelings, context from content and assumptions from evidence.

If you know what kind of conversation you want to have, you can set expectations with your listeners.

For example:

  • “Would you mind if I just talked for a few minutes before we start troubleshooting this problem?”
  • “I’m nervous about Tuesday’s meeting. Could I talk it through with you?”

Those simple introductions prepare people for the kind of listening you’re asking them to do.

Ask whether they have time to listen

Listening requires space, attention and willingness. Those three things aren’t always available. If someone is rushing between meetings, answering emails or thinking about the next deadline, they probably aren’t going to give you their best attention, however willing they may be. Sometimes the simplest question produces the biggest improvement.

For example:

  • “Is now a good time to talk about something?”
  • “When would you have ten minutes to properly listen to this?”

Look for the type of listener you need

Listening is a skill, but people don’t all listen in the same way. The right listener often matters just as much as the right message.

Some listeners are naturally time-oriented. They appreciate concise explanations and want you to get to the point. Others are people-oriented. They naturally focus on relationships, emotions and experiences. Some enjoy analysing ideas, identifying risks and solving problems. Others excel at helping you think aloud without rushing to conclusions.

So, If you need someone to challenge your thinking and pressure-test an idea, look for a critical listener. If what you really need is someone who understands your frustration before suggesting solutions, look for an empathetic listener.

Tell them how you need them to listen

Don’t assume people know what you need simply because they’ve heard your words. Do you want understanding? Reflection? Practical advice? A decision? Emotional support? Giving people a listening role helps them listen with purpose.

Imagine you’re presenting a new idea to six colleagues. Everyone hears the same words, but they process them differently. Some notice your enthusiasm. Others immediately start evaluating the risks. Someone else begins reflecting your ideas back to you, while another starts thinking about implementation.

People can listen in different ways – they have a preferred style and type but for many listeners, the situation and the speaker determine which listening style they use.

So, tell them which listening style or type to use. For example: “I would like everyone to use their best critical listening skills, do you think this idea has any merit, and if yes, how can we get it implemented?”

Ask them where they’d like to start

How do you get someone to listen? By presenting the information in the way they prefer it. This is especially useful when you’re communicating something complex. Perhaps you need to explain the background, the data, the risks, your recommendation and the impact on the team. Rather than deciding where to begin yourself, ask your listener.

For example: “Would you prefer the short version first, or would it help if I explained the background?”

Some people want the conclusion before the detail. Others need the context before the recommendation makes sense. Starting where your listener is naturally interested makes it much easier for them to stay engaged.

Highlight what matters most

Conversations rarely stay on track by themselves. A discussion about a project suddenly becomes a discussion about workload, customer satisfaction or team morale. All of those topics may be important, but they can also distract from the reason you started talking in the first place. When you notice the conversation drifting, gently bring it back.

For example: “Those are all important conversations, and I’d like to come back to them. Right now, the priority for me is resolving the issues with this project because my team have been waiting for feedback.”

Your listener doesn’t have to remember everything. They won’t. Help them remember the part that matters most.

Give them time to process

Listening doesn’t stop when you stop talking. Many people need a few moments to organise what they’ve heard before responding.

Resist the temptation to fill every silence. Don’t immediately ask, “Does that make sense?” after two seconds. Don’t jump back in because you’ve thought of one more thing to add.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply wait.

Ask them to summarise what they heard

Great listeners often summarise naturally. “So what I’m hearing is…”

But you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Especially in important conversations, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask: “Just so I know I’ve explained this clearly, would you mind summarising what you’ve understood?”`

If their summary differs from what you intended, you’ve discovered a misunderstanding while there’s still time to correct it.

Acknowledge the listening

Finally, recognise that listening has taken place—even when the other person hasn’t interpreted your message the way you hoped. Perhaps you wanted to discuss a solution, but your listener focused on the problem instead. Perhaps they heard additional work where you saw opportunity. That doesn’t necessarily mean they weren’t listening.

Listening is an active process of interpretation. People hear your words through the lens of their own experiences, assumptions, priorities and concerns. You can’t completely control what someone hears.

What you can do is acknowledge where they have understood you, clarify where they haven’t and continue the conversation from there.

Conclusion

Listeners have different needs, different attention spans, different ways of processing information, and different expectations about the conversation. The more we can prepare them, guide them, and make it easier for them to listen well, the more likely we are to achieve understanding.

Listening will always be a shared responsibility. While we should all continue to develop our own listening skills, we can also become better communicators by taking some responsibility for how our message is received.

Key Takeaways

  • Listening is a shared responsibility. Yes, we should all try to become better listeners. But if we only think about listening from the listener’s perspective, we miss half of the conversation.
  • As speakers, we have more influence than we sometimes realise.
  • By preparing people for the conversation, choosing the right listener, explaining what kind of listening you need and making your message easier to process, you dramatically increase the chances of being heard.
  • Sometimes the difference between feeling listened to or not listened to isn’t finding a better listener. It’s helping the listener you already have.
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A practical guide to storytelling in business

People have always told stories and they are a vital part of our communication. Today, storytelling has become accepted (and sometimes expected) in a professional context. We’ve seen a rapid demand for our practical storytelling in business training solutions. Whereas 8 years ago there was sometimes a need to convince people that a storytelling approach was valid, we rarely get any pushback today. This change in attitudes can be partly attributed to the power of the TED talk format, partly to our push back against death by PowerPoint and people speaking to us in bullets … and mainly because storytelling never went away. When done well, storytelling connects with people in a way no other communication approach can. This post outlines the essentials so you can get started.

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What is a story?

Every story has …

  • a plot
  • a beginning, middle and end
  • often involves overcoming a problem, challenge, obstacle, dilemma
  • but above all …. a story connects on a human /emotional level

This last point is the key. A story is not a series of events or a case study. A story provides packets of sensory language presented in a particular way which allows the listener to quickly and easily internalize the material, comprehend it and create meaning from it. It should connect with people and create an emotional reaction. This connection makes stories easy to remember. Depending on the story and the skill of the storyteller our brains …

  • produce cortisol during the tense moments in a story, which allows us to focus
  • produce oxytocin, that promotes connection and empathy
  • release dopamine which makes us feel more hopeful and optimistic

If you are interested in the science behind these statements, these two HB articles explore the science behind storytelling and what makes storytelling so effective for learning.

And why should I use stories?

You can use storytelling in a wide range of situations. We often use stories when presenting, influencing, teaching, leading or just in day-to-day discussions. Consider using stories when you want to aid memory, celebrate, challenge assumptions, connect, convince, encourage, energize, entertain, explain, impress, inspire, motivate, persuade, reinforce values or beliefs, scare or shock, sell, support, teach or warn.

 

Storytelling is a learnable skill! It starts with identifying your goal and understanding your audience. You need to know the emotion you are looking for. From there you start hunting for the right story, which you then craft through practice. Don’t rush it, do not “present” it, and have the courage to just tell a story person to person. You’ll be surprised at the impact you can make.

Scott Levey

How do I build a story?

Learning to build a great story is a skill, and it can require practice. If you want to build a story you need to start with your audience. Your first question has to be “What do I want them to feel?” Sometimes the emotion you arrive at may surprise you. Secondly ask yourself “What do I want them to understand? think? do?” Then think back over the situations you’ve been part of, or have observed.

It is far easier and far better to tell stories that mean something to you. You can share other people’s stories but make sure you have the information and the understanding to bring it to life. Again, a story works because it connects on a human /emotional level.

If you are struggling to build a story, then try using the IDEAS approach:

  • Identify the emotion you are trying to create. Then identify what you want your listener to understand and do.
  • Decide which story would best accomplish this and connect with your listener
  • Expand your story. You have the bones, now put the flesh on them.
  • Anticipate their questions and reactions. Now choose to deal with these within your story or intentionally leave this out to provoke discussion once you’ve finished telling the story.
  • See the story as you tell it.

Finally, don’t assume you can just get up and tell it. You need to practice your story, if you want to make it matter.

How do I actually tell my story?

If the story means something to you, you will already have the content and the structure. Make things personal and tell tough stories. If your story is tough and personally matters to you, you will naturally find the pace, the tone and the body language you need to make your story captivating. When you are developing and practising your story, follow these 3 great pieces of advice:

  • Invest time in building it
  • Practice out loud
  • Make it personal to you

When you are delivering the story …

  • See the story as you tell it
  • Use outer and inner language. Outer language is what physically happened, while inner language is how the person was feeling thinking. An advanced tip is to avoid eye contact when you are sharing the inner language.
  • Use plenty of LOTS (language of the senses). This includes what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, tough or felt
  • Take your time. If your rush your story, you will rob it of its richness. You wouldn’t want to read a story structured into bullet points, would you?

And if you want to get really good …

  • Use memory devices e.g. words, phrases or images repeated in different places
  • Use a tangible object or image as a starting or closing point
  • When doing dialogues adopt a different voice/body/position for each person
  • Consider your space – roam the room or sit on a chair – BUT actively think about it!

What should I not do when telling a story?

Telling a story is NOT the same as making a presentation. A lot of the techniques you’ve learned on presentation seminars are story-killers and using them will rob your story of its emotional content. For example:

  • Don’t put your key message up front
  • Don’t tell them what you’ll tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them
  • Don’t start with the structure, start with the emotion
  • We would also suggest you avoid the phrase “Let me tell you a story”

Storytelling is a learnable skill! It starts with identifying your goal and understanding your audience. You need to know the emotion you are looking for. From there you start hunting for the right story, which you then craft through practice. Have fun, don’t rush it, do not “present” it, and have the courage to just tell a story person to person.

You’ll be surprised at the impact you can make!

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The power of SCARF and how to make feedback work better, and feel better

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This post explores how the SCARF model can help managers make feedback conversations more effective and meaningful and provides practical tips and insights on how managers can better understand reactions, build stronger connections and influence future behaviour.

  • Reading time
  • 7 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers and leaders who want to better understand how to influence others, have better feedback conversations, and bring about positive change in the workplace.

The intention behind giving feedback is to bring about positive change in the workplace by influencing future behaviour and outcomes. Sometimes that means helping someone improve. At other times, it’s about recognising success, reinforcing effective behaviours, clarifying expectations, or addressing issues before they become bigger problems.

Whether a feedback conversation achieves its goal depends on many factors, but two stand out: the person giving the feedback and the person receiving it. Both play an active role in determining whether the conversation leads to understanding, acceptance and ultimately, positive change. When both have the skills and confidence to engage in an open, constructive dialogue, the chances of success increase significantly.

Of course, not all feedback conversations are equally challenging. Positive feedback—recognising good work or encouraging someone to continue doing what’s working well—is generally easier to give and easier to receive.

 

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When the feedback is critical or corrective, the chances of success decrease because people are more likely to feel threatened or misunderstood.  The key word here is “feel”.

In feedback conversations, people don’t simply respond to the words they hear. They respond to what those words mean to them. A comment intended to be helpful can be interpreted as criticism. A suggestion can feel like a personal attack. When people perceive a threat—whether that threat is real or not—their ability to listen, reflect and respond is limited. Perceived threat invokes a primal response (fight or flight) and we can no longer hear what the rational brain is saying.

This is where the SCARF model, developed by neuroscientist David Rock, helps us understand what is happening beneath the surface.

The SCARF model: Minimize danger – Maximize reward

David Rock believes that our response has its roots in the way our brains deal with perceived danger and how we always seek to minimise threats and maximise rewards. He developed it into a model of 5 areas that influence our behaviour, the SCARF model.

Watch the video here:

 

Managers who want to influence others, their job is to find just the right levers to move people into that ‘maximize reward’ state. Leaders tend to know all about the carrot and stick. They use money and other external rewards to try to motivate people. Turns out there are often far more powerful rewards and threats going on inside people’s heads that are generating their behavior. So if you want to be the best that you can be at influencing others, you need to better understand what makes people tick.

Dr. David Rock

 

As Dr. Rock explains in the video, these five factors have a tremendous impact on our motivation on whether we are in a “reward” state or a “danger” state.

  • Status – our relative importance to others
  • Certainty – our ability to predict the future
  • Autonomy – our sense of control over events
  • Relatedness – how safe we feel with others
  • Fairness – how fair we perceive the exchanges between people to be

Understanding what happens beneath the surface is only valuable if it changes what we do above the surface. The SCARF model gives us insight into why people may react the way they do during feedback conversations, but the real benefit comes from using that understanding to adapt our approach. Small changes in how we prepare, communicate and involve others can make all the difference between feedback that creates resistance and feedback that creates positive change.

S – Status 

How we see ourselves in relation to others – do we feel respected, valued and competent.

Research shows that a perceived loss of status activates many of the same brain regions associated with physical pain. When people feel that their competence or value is under threat, they’re far less likely to listen openly to feedback.

The opposite is equally true. When feedback reinforces our sense of competence or recognises our contribution, it activates the brain’s reward response. That’s why genuine recognition from someone we respect can be so motivating.
Before giving feedback, ask yourself:

  • How might this person perceive my status in relation to theirs?
  • Am I reinforcing their sense of value, or unintentionally threatening it?
  • What can I do to reduce unnecessary status differences before giving the feedback?

Practical tips: 

  • Remember that status is personal. It isn’t only determined by job title or hierarchy; it’s also influenced by experience, expertise, reputation and how valued people feel.
  • Status derives from credibility but also from knowledge and competence, so if you lack credibility with a specific audience you can gain it from demonstrating what you know/can do
  • Build credibility before offering challenge. People are more receptive when they trust your intentions and believe you understand their work.
  • Use inclusive language. Words like we, us and our encourage collaboration, while excessive use of <emI and you can reinforce unnecessary hierarchy.
  • Protect status by recognising the person’s value, experience and contribution before addressing concerns. Genuine recognition helps protect a person’s sense of competence and reduces defensiveness.
  • Help people feel valued. Everyone wants to know that their contribution matters, regardless of their role.

C – Certainty

The brain is a certainty-seeking machine, constantly trying to predict what’s going to happen. When we have a clear understanding of what to expect, we generally feel safer and more able to focus on the conversation. When we don’t, uncertainty can quickly become a threat.

This is particularly relevant in feedback conversations. When people know why the conversation is happening, what will be discussed, or what is expected of them, they may spend less energy trying to interpret the situation and more on listening to the feedback. By creating clarity around the purpose, process and desired outcome of the conversation, managers can help people feel more prepared and more open.

Practical tips: 

  • Explain the purpose of the conversation. Don’t leave people guessing why you want to talk. A simple explanation can reduce unnecessary uncertainty.
  • Set expectations about the process. Let the person know what you would like to discuss and how the conversation will work.
  • Be clear about what is expected. People feel more confident when they understand their role, responsibilities and what success looks like.
  • Communicate even when there is uncertainty. If you don’t have all the answers, explain what you know, what you are still exploring and when you expect to know more.
  • Focus on what can be influenced. When outcomes are uncertain, clarity about purpose, priorities and next steps can provide stability.

A – Autonomy

Autonomy is our need to feel that we have some control over our work, our choices and the way we approach challenges. It is closely linked to motivation because people are more engaged when they feel they have ownership.

Autonomy is also closely connected to certainty. When we cannot predict what will happen, it can be difficult to feel that we have any control over our situation.

Autonomy is particularly important in feedback conversations. If feedback is intended to create growth and development, managers need to avoid simply prescribing the solution. Telling someone exactly what to do may create short-term compliance, but helping them reflect, explore options and find their own path builds greater ownership and commitment. The idea of having options, i.e. making choices, is important to a person’s sense of control.

Practical tips: 

  • Focus on the outcome, not every step. Be clear about needs to be achieved while allowing the person to consider how they will get there.
  • Ask before telling. Encourage reflection by asking questions such as, “How do you see the situation?” or “What options do you think would work?”
  • Offer choices where possible. Even small opportunities to make decisions can strengthen a person’s sense of ownership.
  • Create psychological safety. People need to feel they can share their perspective, admit mistakes and express concerns without fear of negative consequences.
  • Balance support with independence. Provide guidance and resources while allowing the person to take responsibility for their development.
  • The idea of having options, i.e. making choices, is important to a sense of control

R – Relatedness

Relatedness is about our sense of connection and belonging with others. It is the feeling that we are understood, respected and valued as individuals.

When we feel connected with the people around us we are more likely to be open, share our thoughts, and reflect on our own behaviours.

Relatedness is often communicated through small interactions: listening attentively, showing interest, acknowledging someone’s perspective, or simply demonstrating that their contribution matters. These signals help people understand that they are part of a supportive relationship rather than being evaluated.

Practical tips: 

  • Build trust before you need it. A strong relationship makes feedback conversations easier and more productive.
  • Show that you understand the person, not just the performance issue. Consider their perspective, circumstances and intentions.
  • Listen before responding. People are more open to feedback when they feel genuinely heard.
  • Use feedback as a two-way dialogue. Invite discussion and encourage the person to share their view.
  • Create connection across teams. Help people understand how their work contributes to a wider purpose and shared goals.

F – Fairness

Fairness is about our perception of whether things are reasonable, consistent and just. Importantly, fairness does not mean treating everyone exactly the same. People have different roles, responsibilities, experiences and circumstances. What matters is that people understand the principles behind decisions and feel they are being treated with respect.

Because fairness is subjective, two people can experience the same situation very differently. What feels reasonable to one person may feel unfair to another. When we perceive unfairness, our brain quickly moves into a defensive response. This is particularly relevant in feedback conversations; If someone believes they are being singled out, judged more harshly than others, or held to unclear standards, they are less likely to focus on the feedback . Instead, they may focus on whether the process feels fair.

Managers can reduce this threat by being clear about expectations, explaining the reasons behind decisions, and applying standards consistently. When exceptions are necessary, explaining the context helps people understand why a different approach is appropriate.

Practical tips:

  • Explain the “why”. Help people understand the reasoning behind decisions, expectations or changes.
  • Apply clear and consistent standards. People are more accepting of different outcomes when they understand the principles behind them.
  • Recognise contribution, not preference. Ensure rewards, opportunities and recognition are linked to achievements and behaviours rather than personal relationships.
  • Be transparent about decisions. Sharing the factors considered can help people see that decisions were thoughtful rather than arbitrary.
  • Consider different perspectives. Encourage people to explore situations from multiple viewpoints to build understanding and reduce assumptions.

Summary & Key Takeaways

Feedback conversations are about much more than the words being exchanged. Beneath every conversation, people are also responding to what the feedback means for them. Do they feel valued? Do they understand what is happening? Do they feel they have a voice? Do they trust the person giving the feedback? Do they believe the process is fair?

The SCARF model helps us understand these underlying responses through five social needs: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.

When these needs are supported, people are more likely to feel safe, listen openly and engage constructively. When they are threatened, even well-intentioned feedback can trigger defensiveness, resistance or disengagement.

  • Remember the person behind the performance – Feedback is received by a person, not just a role or job title. Consider how your message may be experienced, not just what you intend to communicate.
  • Reduce unnecessary threats – People are less likely to engage when they feel their status, security, independence, relationships or sense of fairness are under threat.
  • Create clarity – Explain why you are having the conversation, what you want to discuss and what happens next. Reducing uncertainty helps people focus on the feedback itself.
  • Protect ownership – Don’t just provide answers. Where possible, involve people in finding solutions and deciding how they can move forward.
  • Build relationships – Strong relationships make it easier to have feedback conversations.Trust and connection make feedback easier to give and easier to receive.
  • Make fairness visible – Explain your reasoning, apply standards consistently and recognise that fair does not always mean identical.
  • Focus on the outcome, not just the conversation – The goal of feedback is not simply to deliver a message. The goal is to create understanding, encourage reflection and influence future behaviour.

To wrap up

We hope you’ll consider using the power of SCARF in your next feedback conversation. For more feedback content, these posts might be of interest to you:

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The CIA model: Control, Influence, Accept

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In this post, we’ll explore each element of the CIA Model—Control, Influence, and Accept—and show how leaders can use it to respond more effectively to challenges, support their teams, and maximise their personal impact.

  • Reading time
  • 5 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • For leaders, managers, and professionals who want to strengthen their ability to navigate uncertainty, influence outcomes, and respond effectively to challenging situations.

One of the challenges of leadership is knowing where to focus your attention and energy. Whether you’re leading organisational change, navigating a difficult conversation, or responding to unexpected challenges, your effectiveness depends on recognising what you can control, where you can influence outcomes, and what you simply need to accept.

A framework that we use in our leadership and communication training is the CIA Model,from The Critically Reflective Practitioner. The model provides a practical way to cut through uncertainty and focus effort where it can have the greatest impact. By helping leaders separate what they can control, what they can influence, and what they need to accept, it enables more effective decision-making, resilience, and purposeful action.

CIA Model

Control InfluenceAccept
identify which elements of the situation you can directly controlidentify the elements that you can’t control, but that you can perhaps influenceidentify the things that you can neither control or influence, and learn to live with them

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Control

When we deliver training on leadership, change management and influencing skills, we often begin with a simple exercise: asking participants to list the things they can directly control in a challenging situation. The first lists are usually quite short. But as the discussion develops, people begin to realise they have far more control than they first thought.

The first lesson of the CIA Model is that we usually have more control than we think—we just need to know where to look. By focusing our energy on the things we can control, we put ourselves in the best position to influence the things we can’t.

Some of the things that are within our control include:

  • our attitude and mindset
  • how we respond
  • the effort we put in
  • the decisions we make
  • how we communicate with others
  • our knowledge and skills
  • our preparation
  • behaviours and habits

You may notice that our emotions don’t appear on this list. That’s because we can’t always control what we feel in the moment. Emotions are a natural response to our experiences. What we can control is how we respond to those emotions—the choices we make, the words we use, and the actions we take.

 

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”

Epictetus

 

Influence

Once we’ve identified what we can and can’t control, the next step is to consider where we can have influence. This is often where leadership has its greatest impact. While we can’t control every decision, every person or every outcome, we can shape what happens through our actions, relationships and communication.
For example, a leader may not be able to control a change initiative decided by senior leadership, but they can influence how their team understands the change, how concerns are discussed, and how effectively people adapt.

Rather than becoming frustrated by circumstances beyond our control, we identify the areas where we can make a difference through influencing. Influence comes in many forms: building trust, asking thoughtful questions, communicating clearly, sharing expertise, setting a positive example and developing strong relationships. These behaviours don’t guarantee the outcome we want, but they significantly increase the likelihood of achieving it.

Accept

The final part of the CIA Model is often the most challenging: accepting the things we can neither control nor influence. Acceptance isn’t about giving up or lowering our expectations. A cceptance does not mean agreeing with everything that happens or becoming passive. It means acknowledging reality so that we can make better choices about what to do next, rather than wasting energy wishing it were different.
Every leader will encounter setbacks, unexpected change, difficult people and decisions they disagree with. While these situations may be frustrating, dwelling on them rarely improves the outcome. Instead, acceptance allows us to conserve our energy and redirect it towards the things we can control and the people we can influence.

Conclusion

The CIA Model is ultimately about directing our energy wisely. We cannot control every challenge we face, but we can choose where we focus our attention, how we respond, and where we seek to make an impact. For leaders, this shift in perspective can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed by circumstances and responding with clarity, confidence and purpose.

For more information

For more tips and advice on influencing and dealing with change, see these posts:

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A practical guide to storytelling in business

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People have always told stories and they are a vital part of our communication. Today, storytelling has become accepted (and sometimes expected) in a professional context. We’ve seen a rapid demand for our practical storytelling in business training solutions. Whereas 8 years ago there was sometimes a need to convince people that a storytelling approach was valid, we rarely get any pushback today. This change in attitudes can be partly attributed to the power of the TED talk format, partly to our push back against death by PowerPoint and people speaking to us in bullets … and mainly because storytelling never went away. When done well, storytelling connects with people in a way no other communication approach can. This post outlines the essentials so you can get started.

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What is a story? And why should I use them?

Every story has …

  • a plot
  • a beginning, middle and end
  • often involves overcoming a problem, challenge, obstacle, dilemma
  • but above all …. a story connects on a human /emotional level

This last point is the key. A story is not a series of events or a case study. It should connect with people and create an emotional reaction.
This connecting makes stories easy to remember. When done well stories bring meaning to information and have the power to move people. Depending on the story and the skill of the storyteller our brains …

  • produce cortisol during the tense moments in a story, which allows us to focus
  • produce oxytocin, that promotes connection and empathy
  • release dopamine which makes us feel more hopeful and optimistic

If you are interested in the science behind these statements, these two HB articles explore the science behind storytelling and what makes storytelling so effective for learning.

This means you can choose to use a story in a wide range of situations. We often use stories when presenting, influencing, teaching, leading or just in day-to-day discussions. Consider using stories when you want to aid memory, celebrate, challenge assumptions, connect, convince, encourage, energize, entertain, explain, impress, inspire, motivate, persuade, reinforce values or beliefs, scare or shock, sell, support, teach or warn.

How do I build a story?

Learning to build a great story is a skill, and it can require practice. If you want to build a story you need to start with your audience. Your first question has to be “What do I want them to feel?”. Sometimes the emotion you arrive at may surprise you. Secondly ask yourself “What do I want them to understand? think? do?”. Then think back over the situations you’ve been part of, or have observed. It is far easier and far better to tell stories that mean something to you and are your stories. You can share other people’s stories but make sure you have the information and the understanding to bring it to life. Again, a story works because it connects on a human /emotional level.

This post goes behind the scenes with 2 of our staff, discussing the challenges some professionals have when building a story and how they approach this in a training environment.

If you are struggling to build a story, then try using the IDEAS approach:

  • Identify the emotion you are trying to create. Then identify what you want your listener to understand and do.
  • Decide which story would best accomplish this and connect with your listener
  • Expand your story. You have the bones, now put the flesh on them.
  • Anticipate their questions and reactions. Now choose to deal with these within your story or intentionally leave this out to provoke discussion once you’ve finished telling the story.
  • See the story as you tell it.

Finally, don’t assume you can just get up and tell it. You need to practice your story, if you want to make it matter.

How do I actually tell my story?

If the story means something to you, you will already have the content and the structure. Make things personal and tell tough stories. If your story is tough and personally matters to you, you will naturally find the pace, the tone and the body language you need to make your story captivating. When you are developing and practising your story, follow these 3 great pieces of advice:

  • Invest time in building it
  • Practice out loud
  • Make it personal to you

When you are delivering the story …

  • see the story as you tell it
  • use outer and inner language. Outer language is what physically happened, while inner language is how the person was feeling thinking. An advanced tip is to avoid eye contact when you are sharing the inner language.
  • use plenty of LOTS (language of the senses). This includes what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, tough or felt
  • take your time. If your rush your story, you will rob it of its richness. You wouldn’t want to read a story structured into bullet points, would you?

And if you want to get really good …

  • use memory devices e.g. words, phrases or images repeated in different places
  • use a tangible object or image as a starting or closing point
  • when doing dialogues adopt a different voice/body/position for each person
  • consider your space – roam the room or sit on a chair – BUT actively think about it!

What should I not do when telling a story?

Telling a story is NOT the same as making a presentation. A lot of the techniques you’ve learned on presentation seminars are story-killers and using them will rob your story of its emotional content. For example:

  • Don’t put your key message up front
  • Don’t tell them what you’ll tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them
  • Don’t start with the structure, start with the emotion
  • We would also suggest you avoid the phrase “Let me tell you a story”

Storytelling is a learnable skill! It starts with identifying your goal and understanding your audience. You need to know the emotion you are looking for. From there you start hunting for the right story, which you then craft through practice. Don’t rush it, do not “present” it, and have the courage to just tell a story person to person. You’ll be surprised at the impact you can make.

And if you’d like support, whether it be coaching or training then do get in touch. We’d love to help you be even better at storytelling.

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The Manager’s Guide to Building Trust: Understanding Emotional Bank Accounts

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This post explores Stephen R. Covey’s Emotional Bank Account concept and how managers can use it to strengthen relationships, improve communication, and create higher-performing teams. It includes practical ways to make more positive deposits, repair trust when withdrawals happen, and a 10-minute reflection activity to help you assess your own team relationships.

  • Reading time
  • 8 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers, team leaders, and anyone responsible for building trust, engagement, and performance within a team.

Whether you’re leading a team through change, managing a hybrid workforce, or trying to improve performance, the quality of your relationships has a direct impact on your success as a manager. When there is trust between people, they are more likely to share ideas, raise concerns, accept feedback, and work collaboratively. When trust is lacking, even routine conversations can become difficult.

One of the most useful ways to think about trust in the workplace comes from Stephen R. Covey’s concept of the Emotional Bank Account, from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Every interaction either makes a deposit or a withdrawal. In Covey’s own words:

 

“An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship.  It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.  When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”

 

Deposits are made through positive actions—such as keeping promises, listening with empathy, recognising good work, and treating people with respect. Withdrawals are made through negative actions: dismissing concerns, breaking commitments, or failing to communicate openly.

For managers, this analogy is a practical leadership tool. Every conversation, decision, and action either strengthens or weakens the relationships that underpin team performance. Understanding how to make regular deposits into your team’s emotional bank accounts can help create an environment where people feel valued, supported, and motivated to do their best work.

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Why should managers care about emotional bank accounts?

Few managers would argue against the importance of trust. Most leaders want to build positive, productive relationships where people feel respected, valued, and motivated to do their best work. Leadership qualities such as authenticity, credibility, empathy, and trust continue to be recognised as essential for effective management.

Building strong relationships is about much more than being a “nice” manager. Trust has a measurable impact on performance. Meaningful and strong relationships in the workplace lead directly to tangible results. Teams with high levels of trust tend to experience better communication, stronger engagement, and higher levels of commitment.

As a manager, your success is closely linked to the success of your team. Every interaction—whether you’re delegating work, coaching, recognising achievements, resolving conflict, leading meetings, or having a difficult conversation—either strengthens or weakens the relationships that support high performance. These everyday moments are opportunities to make deposits into, or withdrawals from, your team’s emotional bank accounts.

Managers who consistently invest in relationships build the trust needed to navigate challenges, encourage innovation, and sustain performance over the long term. Conversely, when withdrawals outweigh deposits, trust begins to erode. Without that foundation, even the most capable teams can struggle with engagement, collaboration, and accountability.

How do you build a healthy emotional bank account with your team?

Trust is built through consistent, everyday behaviour. While every individual and team is different, Stephen Covey identified several practical ways managers can make regular “deposits” into their team’s emotional bank accounts.

Understand the individual

Everyone values different things. One employee may appreciate public recognition, while another would rather receive a quiet thank you. Taking time to understand what motivates each person, how they like to be recognised, and what matters to them allows you to build stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Keep your commitments

One of the quickest ways to build trust is to do what you say you’ll do. Keeping promises, following through on commitments, being reliable, and respecting deadlines all demonstrate that people can depend on you. Equally, broken promises and missed commitments quickly become withdrawals.

Clarify expectations

Misunderstandings often arise because people make different assumptions. Taking time to agree on priorities, responsibilities, deadlines, and expected outcomes helps prevent confusion and reduces unnecessary frustration—particularly when working remotely or across different locations.

Pay attention to the little things

Small actions can have a lasting impact. Saying thank you, checking in on someone’s wellbeing, remembering important milestones, listening without distractions, or simply making time for a conversation all help strengthen relationships. These everyday moments often matter more than grand gestures.

Demonstrate personal integrity

Trust grows when managers act consistently and fairly. Being honest, admitting mistakes, treating people with respect, and behaving in line with your values all reinforce your credibility. Integrity isn’t something you switch on when it’s convenient—it’s reflected in your actions every day.

When you make a withdrawal, apologise sincerely

Every manager makes mistakes, misses commitments, or says the wrong thing. What matters is how we respond.

A sincere apology can be one of the most powerful deposits you make after a withdrawal. Acknowledging your actions, taking responsibility, and making amends demonstrates humility, integrity, and respect. It also shows your team that accountability applies to everyone—not just them.

Managers who apologise when they’ve got it wrong don’t lose credibility—they often strengthen it. Admitting mistakes builds trust and creates a culture where people feel safe to learn, take responsibility, and support one another.

Putting emotional bank accounts into practice – A 10-minute activity for managers

Understanding the idea of emotional bank accounts is useful, but the real value comes from applying it to your own relationships. Every manager has relationships that are strong, relationships that need attention, and moments where they may have made more withdrawals than deposits.

The following activity is designed to help you reflect on your current relationships with your team and identify practical actions you can take to build more trust. It isn’t about judging yourself or creating a perfect balance sheet—it is about increasing your awareness and making intentional choices about how you lead.

Step 1: Choose five people

Write down the names of five team members who are critical to your team’s success.

Step 2: Review your recent interactions

Look back over the past two weeks. Use your calendar, emails, messages, and memory to identify moments that were likely to be deposits or withdrawals.

For each person, create two simple lists:

**Deposits**

  • Listened without interrupting
  • Recognised good work
  • Kept a commitment
  • Offered support or coaching
  • Showed appreciation

**Withdrawals**

  • Cancelled or rushed a meeting
  • Failed to follow through
  • Gave unclear expectations
  • Dismissed a contribution
  • Had a difficult conversation that didn’t go well

Don’t worry about making the list perfect—you’re looking for patterns rather than keeping score.

Step 3: Think about what matters to them

Now put your notes aside for a while. When you come back, write down what you know about each person.

  • What motivates them?
  • What gives them energy?
  • How do they prefer to receive recognition?
  • How do they like to communicate?
  • What behaviours from a manager help them feel trusted and valued?

Remember, deposits are personal. What builds trust with one employee may have little impact—or even feel like a withdrawal—to another.

Step 4: Make a plan

Looking at your notes, ask yourself:

  • Which relationships need more deposits?
  • What could I do differently over the next month?
  • What specific opportunities already exist in my calendar?

Rather than making a vague commitment to “be a better listener”, identify real moments where you can put it into practice. For example, use your next one-to-one meeting to ask more questions before offering solutions, or take time to recognise a recent achievement.

Small, consistent deposits build trust over time. Choose one or two actions and commit to making them part of your everyday leadership.

Key takeaways

Building healthy emotional bank accounts is not about occasional big gestures. It is about the small, consistent actions that shape how people experience working with you.

The key points to remember are:

  • Trust is built through everyday interactions. Every conversation, decision, and action can either strengthen or weaken a relationship.
  • Deposits are personal. What one person experiences as recognition or support may not have the same impact on someone else. Take time to understand the individuals in your team.
  • Reliability matters. Keeping commitments, clarifying expectations, and following through are some of the simplest ways to build trust.
  • Mistakes happen. Effective managers recognise when they have made a withdrawal, take responsibility, and work to rebuild trust.
  • Strong relationships enable performance. Emotional bank accounts are not separate from results—they are one of the foundations that allow teams to collaborate, adapt, and succeed.

Great managers don’t build trust through one big action. They build it through hundreds of small deposits made consistently over time.

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Resolving conflicts – putting the 3 questions into practice

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and in a recent post I shared 3 questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in a conflict situation. I appreciate that life isn’t as linear as a blog post and “3 questions” can come across as overly simplistic.  So, based on a personal example, in this post I’d like to share what the questions look like in the real world.

The big (free) eBook of negotiations language

 

The background and the situation

I work as a conflict mediator for a major EU institution and recently I was asked to travel to an African country. I was asked to mediate between a governmental body on one side and a large group of individuals from a very poor community on the other side. I’d travelled all the way from Luxembourg and when I arrived I called a meeting with all the individuals from this local community. I wanted to find out what was going on, what was the conflict about and learn much more about the history behind this conflict, the peoples’ interests etc. In other words, I wanted to find out Q1. What was actually going on, right in this moment?

It was Tuesday morning, I’d travelled a long way and was quite tired.  I was not exactly used to living or even being in such an area like this – slums would be the word many westerners would use,  police and army check points with machine guns pointing my way, sitting in a hot taxi, being asked for bribes. Together all of these things were making me nervous. I was definitely on unfamiliar ground and slightly tense … and there was NO-ONE at the meeting. Well, there were two people, but I had expected a hundred plus! My thoughts were “Come on, you were the ones who brought this HUGE conflict to me and my organisation’s attention. You said you wished it solved so we came, and now you are not even here! If this lethargy is typical of the community, how can I be that surprised by the destructive behaviours from the local authorities?!”

I started to get irritated, angry, and I could feel it growing. So I consciously took a deep breath, tried to clear my head and ask myself two questions – Q1 What was going on?  and Q2 How did I feel?

Understanding yourself is the basis for resolving conflicts

The first thing that came to my mind was: “If I return to Europe and we have made no progress at all to try to solve this conflict my reputation and possibly my career will be in danger.”  In other words, I was experiencing fear. The second thing that went through my mind is “I am quite angry. I spent time coming down here, and you are not even here! What sort of respect, or lack of, is that?”

I felt I had answered the first and the second question but knew something was missing. How did I really feel about it? Well, in this moment I did fear for my personal career AND I thought I felt angry because I felt the locals were disrespecting me and my efforts. I asked myself the question again and tried to look more closely into myself.  Angry was how I was acting but when I thought things through more I realised the actual emotion for me, in this situation, was more like disappointment. I wanted to help and had expected more.

BUT, did the above reflections and emotions really give me a picture of what that little ‘meeting conflict’ was about? No, It didn’t!

The role of culture in conflicts

I looked again at what was going on… A meeting had been called. People were late, but then again, it’s Africa! They were running on ‘African time’ and I was running on ‘European time’.  So it wasn’t personal nor was it a sign or rejection towards the mediation. We were just from two different cultures, with different expectations when it comes to time and punctuality. As for the risk of my career. Well, that is a systemic risk. It is always there, but it has nothing to do with the punctuality conflict at hand. I had 2 people out of a 100 for a meeting. That was a conflict, because 2 out of a 100 wouldn’t be able to give me a viable and  complete picture of the conflict, nor could they be seen as representative of the local community which was required for the mediation to be effective. This conflict was however not at all related to a systemic risk back at home. As for the potential behaviour of the local authorities, that also wasn’t related to the conflict going on at this very moment. This was the norm.

My brain seemed to be working again …

Managing your 3 brains so they work together

Simply put our brain is split in three parts, the Neocortex (the reflective and analytical  part and also the newest part), the Limbic System  (the emotional part, experienced through our emotions) and the Brainstem (sometimes called the reptilian part which governs flight or flight instincts). By forcing myself to ask and re-ask the 2 questions (What is it actually going on, right in this moment?, and How do you feel in this moment?) I had effectively de-escalated myself. I had helped my struggling brain to work as a whole and not get stuck in the lower brain parts. I could calm myself down so I could engage effectively in the meeting … when it finally started.

By the way people did actually turn up. After one and a half hours!

That just left me with the last question … How was I going to turn the conflict?

For more information

Target Training has been delivering a range of conflict-related training solutions for the last 15 years. This includes “Handling critical conflict situations” and “Managing conflicts in virtual teams” . We also offer individual and team coaching solutions.

About the author

Preben is a professional mediator and conflict manager. He focuses on human interactions, such as management and leadership, intercultural relationships and interpersonal communication. Until recently he was a welcomed part of Target Training and today works for a major European institution. In his private life he enjoys karate, hiking and climbing.

 

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The power of putting yourself in their shoes when influencing people

 

When we run seminars on influencing skills we typically start off by exploring a couple of fundamental questions – one of them being how do people feel about the idea of influencing others and being influenced?  Over the years we’ve had a surprising range of responses including “If I’m the manager why must I influence -people should just do what I say” to “influencing is manipulating” to “I’m open to new ideas and approaches – but our colleagues in the order management department aren’t!”. As a trainer these are always great places to start – opinions are on the table and we can openly discuss them. When we dig deeper these opinions often link into personal experiences of how people have influenced (or not). So how do people influence each other?

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The two influencing styles – pushing and pulling

Broadly speaking there are two approaches to influencing people – to push and to pull. When we “push” we are directive. We know what we want to see happen, where we want to go, what needs to be different etc. And when we “pull” we are looking for a joint agreement, for collaboration, discussion, commitment.  There are different pushing styles and pulling styles, plus strategies, tactics and skills to learn BUT neither approach is inherently wrong. Influencing and manipulating draw on the same skills but with different intents.  They both have pros and cons– and neither approach work without considering other key factors too.

Factors to consider when seeking to influence somebody

When we try to influence somebody it helps to take a step back and reflect on what we know.  What is the environment, the situation, the relationship and most importantly – what do you know about who you are trying to influence? How successful you’ll be always depends upon what you know about the other person. Examples of practical questions to ask yourself when trying to influence somebody include:

  • how do they see things?
  • what is their context?
  • how they communicate?
  • how do they like to be communicated with?
  • how do they take in information and make decisions?
  • what are their experiences – with me, with change, with the theme I’m talking about
  • what turns then on? What turns them off??
  • what do they want to happen, not want to happen and why?
  • what are their hopes and fears?
  • Who else has an influence upon them? and does this influence help or hinder?
  • What is in it for them? their colleagues? Their organization?

First seek to understand the other person – a transcultural truth

The more you understand the person you are seeking to influence the more effectively you can influence them. As dale Carnegie said in How to win friends and influence people “I love strawberries. But whenever I go fishing I bait my hook with worms. This is because fish like worms – not strawberries.”

In English we have expression like put yourself in their shoes, put yourself in their place, see the world through their eyes and walk a mile in their shoes.  And of course the idea of putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes is transcultural!  Germans say eine Meile in seinen Schuhen gehen, Italians mettersi nei miei panni, French se mettre à la place de quelqu’un … All cultures- whether it be Europe, the Americas, Africa or Asia and the Pacific have similar expressions.

Put simply, if you want to influence somebody then seek to understand where they are and who they are.  Start by understanding their situation, use your emotional and social intelligence and then adapt.

And if, like me, you’ve got the song “Walk a mile in my shoes” going around in your head now .. here it is.

 

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Linking and building to successfully influence others

In today’s business world of cross-functional initiatives, matrix structures and virtual teams, the ability to influence others is becoming even more essential if you want to succeed. And no matter what your influencing style is, to effectively influence somebody you need to connect with them. If you’re trying to influence somebody it means that you have differing opinions and ideas. One of the simplest ways to influence somebody is by “linking and building”: Find and focus on the agreement … and then build on this. Most people are open to sharing and discussing their opinions and ideas – and most of us are aware that our ideas are not the only ones valid. What we want is to be taken seriously and feel listened to.  This is where “linking” comes in – if you link your ideas to their ideas it clearly shows you have listened to and understood their thoughts and feelings.  And when you build on somebody’s ideas it means you are validating their contributions.  This builds rapport and relationships WHICH then makes the process of influencing so much easier...
The big (free) eBook of negotiations language

 

 5 things to keep in mind

1. Is the link already there?

Do you just need to draw their attention to it? Or will you need to build the link step by step? If so you need to find some common ground – this could be a shared goal, a previous experience or perhaps the two of you are seeing the same current challenges?  Open questions like “Where do you think we need to go?” or “What are your thoughts?” work well here …

2. When you find your “link”, be explicit about what you like / share about their views, opinion, drives etc.

For example. “It’s clear to me that we both want to make sure any changes we make don’t cost people more time” or “What I really like about your approach is that you’re considering the end-user first. I feel the same way”

3. Focus on positives and use positive language.

Most people are very rarely completely wrong, just as you are very rarely completely right.  Understanding this means that it is always possible to approach something by looking for the “right” ideas e.g. “What I like about your suggestion is …” thereby creating a positive spiral and rapport – as opposed to focusing on what you don’t like e.g. “ I can’t imagine this working” thereby creating a downwards negative spiral (source – George Prince – The Practice of Creativity).

4. There are going to be differences.

If there weren’t you wouldn’t be trying to influence each other! But make an effort to delay focusing on differences until some bridges have been built. When you turn to them, link back to the shared elements you’ve found and be explicit about your reasons. “It seems that we agree on the causes of the problem and we have different ideas about what needs doing. Why do you think this is?” Don’t assume the everything is obvious!

5. As you progress do continually clarify.

Use language like “So what you’re saying is …” and “Let me just check I’m understanding you … “. This shows your understanding of their views, ideas and thoughts AND actually ensures you do actually understand. Build your bridge on concrete foundations.

Linking and building is just one of many practical techniques from our influencing seminars that can help you successfully influence others. And it starts with getting all parties to face in the same direction. Please contact if you’d like to know more.

 

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What is active listening, how do I develop it and should I be making little noises?

Listening skills are an integral part of many of our training solutions, e.g.  Influencing, Managing Conflict and Facilitating meetings all include practical components on listening skills. However, we had a rare request from a pharmaceutical client seeking training focusing solely on active listening for their senior managers.  The new board member strongly believed that improving her manager’s listening skills would have a major impact on the quality of relationships and the effectiveness of her team. And she was right … the seminar started and almost immediately, one manager asked me, “Active listening – that’s just when you make little noises, right?”

Writing emails that people read: Free eBook download

What is active listening?

Our tactful answer was “not quite”.  Active listening (as the name suggests) is when you actively and fully concentrate on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words.  Communication theory breaks what is being said into two elements – the content and the context. Content is the what – the data, the facts, the information etc. Context refers to everything else that is going on when somebody speaks with you – the relationship, the background, the situation, the emotions etc.  Active listening involves paying close attention to the content being shared AND the contextual components between the listener (the receiver) and the speaker (the sender). Skilled active listeners can hear the what PLUS interest, emotion, concern, energy and other contextual factors from the speaker’s perspective. And they can hear what isn’t being said.

Why invest energy and effort in building your active listening skills?

The benefits of active listening are many.  To start with you’ll hear more … much more. You can enrich your understanding through gathering information and understanding the emotions. You will ask better questions through noticing the speaker’s possible intent, and not only their words. It helps you avoid or diffuse conflicts. Better listening means that solutions and discussion are stronger. Active listening is a building block for open, trusting and accountable relationships.

7 practical tips for active listening

Pay attention

I mean REALLY pay attention to what is being said. Put aside distracting thoughts, try to block out environmental factors (side conversations, people watching etc) and listen holistically.

Know your obstacles to listening

Everyone is guilty of having “inner conversations” when listening – and whether it be judging, dreaming, solving or rehearsing what you want to say these common obstacles get in the way of active listening. Check out this blog post for more information or download the .pdf version here.

Develop countermeasures for your obstacles

Self talk to interrupt your distraction and refocus and internal paraphrasing can help. Basically, this sounds like you telling yourself “Stop it and focus on them not you”

Listen for context

Approach a meeting with listening tasks such as learning the interests of others in the room and listening for the valued being created in the conversation.

Dialogue approach

Listen with a mind to understand what is being said and not judge what is being said.

Listen with your eyes

Listen to what they are saying, how they are saying it, “listen” to their body language and “listen” to their eyes.

Provide feedback

It is incredibly difficult not to filter, assume or judge when we listen. As an active listener your role is just to listen. Reflecting, restating and asking questions are essential – just make sure you are doing this to check you are understanding the content and context and not to discuss, negotiate, argue, influence, correct etc.

So should I be making little noises when I actively listen, or not ?

Of course we also send messages when we listen IF we listen actively and affectively. In western cultures we expect some feedback from our listeners that indicates interest, from non-verbal messages such as nodding, smiles, eye contact and posture to small verbal comments like “uh huh” or “ “I see”. Do keep in mind thought that not every culture listens in the same way – and likewise not every individual listens in the same way.  A lack of “ums” and “aahs” doesn’t always mean somebody is not listening.

To wrap up

Active listening helps you to create an environment that supports deeper, more honest and authentic communication. Whether you are managing people, negotiating, discussing, influencing, problem solving, why wouldn’t you invest the energy and effort in becoming a better listener?

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Understanding Motivation: Three Leadership Lessons from TED Talks

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This post explores three TED Talks that offer different perspectives on motivation and leadership. By looking at what makes work meaningful, how everyday actions shape leadership, and how mindset influences performance, it provides practical insights for managers who want to better understand what drives people and create the conditions for motivation to thrive.

  • Reading time
  • 7 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers and leaders who want to better understand what motivates people, create more engaging work environments, and influence others more effectively.

Motivation is something that affects everyone in the workplace. At different times, we all experience moments when we feel energised, committed and connected to what we do—and moments when that motivation becomes harder to sustain.

Our motivation can be influenced by many external factors within the workplace. Poor communication, lack of recognition, unclear expectations, excessive control and limited opportunities to contribute can gradually reduce people’s engagement and commitment. Even highly capable and motivated individuals can become disengaged when they feel undervalued, disconnected or unable to influence their work.

So, what helps people stay motivated and engaged at work? While there is no single answer, motivation is often influenced by whether people feel that their work has meaning, that their contribution is valued, that they have a positive impact on others and that they are able to grow and succeed. Understanding what gives people a sense of value—both in the work they do and in the way they are treated—is a key part of understanding motivation.

The following TED Talks explore three different perspectives on motivation and leadership, offering insights into what drives people and how leaders can create environments where motivation can thrive. Together, they highlight some important questions that influence motivation: Do people feel that their work matters? Do they feel that they matter to others? And do they have the mindset and environment needed to perform at their best?

The videos in this post cover three questions related to motivation and leadership:

  • What makes work meaningful?
  • What does everyday leadership look like?
  • How does happiness influence performance?

 

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What makes work meaningful?

Leadership lesson from Dan Ariely

We often assume motivation comes from rewards, recognition or incentives. Dan Ariely’s research explores a deeper question: what makes people feel that their work is worthwhile?

 

 “…If you read books of people who climb mountains, difficult mountains, do you think that those books are full of moments of joy and happiness? No, they are full of misery. In fact, it’s all about frostbite and having difficulty walking, and difficulty breathing — cold, challenging circumstances. And if people were just trying to be happy, the moment they would get to the top, they would say, ‘This was a terrible mistake. I’ll never do it again’…”

Dan Ariely

What is the key idea?
People are motivated by more than just external rewards. We are more engaged when we feel that our work has meaning, that our efforts are recognised and that what we do matters.

Why does it matter for managers?
Managers often focus on outcomes, deadlines and rewards, but motivation is also shaped by whether people can see the value of their contribution. When people understand the impact of their work, they are more likely to feel connected and committed.

What can managers do differently?

  • Help people see the bigger purpose behind their work.
  • Connect everyday tasks to the impact they create.
  • Recognise effort, progress and contribution—not just final results.
  • Avoid treating people as if they are simply completing tasks.

What does everyday leadership look like?

Leadership lesson from Drew Dudley

Leadership is often associated with big decisions, formal authority and visible achievements. Drew Dudley challenges this idea by exploring the everyday moments where leadership happens.

 

“…I’ve come to realize that we have made leadership into something bigger than us; something beyond us. We’ve made it about changing the world. We’ve taken this title of “leader” and treat it as something that one day we’re going to deserve. But to give it to ourselves right now means a level of arrogance or cockiness that we’re not comfortable with. And I worry sometimes that we spend so much time celebrating amazing things that hardly anybody can do, that we’ve convinced ourselves those are the only things worth celebrating. We start to devalue the things we can do every day. We take moments where we truly are a leader and we don’t let ourselves take credit for it, or feel good about it.”

Drew Dudley

What is the key idea?

Leadership is not limited to formal roles, titles or major achievements. Small everyday actions can have a significant impact on other people.

Why does it matter for managers?

Managers sometimes underestimate the influence they have through everyday interactions. A conversation, a word of encouragement or an act of recognition can shape how someone feels about themselves and their work.

What can managers do differently?

  • Pay attention to the small moments that influence others.
  • Recognise the positive impact people have on those around them.
  • Remember that leadership happens through behaviour, not just authority.
  • Consider how people feel after interacting with you.

How does happiness influence performance?

Leadership lesson from Shawn Achor

Happiness is sometimes viewed as a result of success. Shawn Achor explores the opposite idea: that our mindset and wellbeing can influence our ability to succeed.

“… One of the first things we teach people in economics, statistics, business and psychology courses is how, in a statistically valid way, do we eliminate the weirdos. How do we eliminate the outliers so we can find the line of best fit? Which is fantastic if I’m trying to find out how many Advil the average person should be taking — two. But if I’m interested in your potential, or happiness or productivity or energy or creativity, we’re creating the cult of the average with science. If I asked a question like, “How fast can a child learn how to read in a classroom?” scientists change the answer to “How fast does the average child learn how to read in that classroom?” and we tailor the class towards the average. If you fall below the average, then psychologists get thrilled, because that means you’re depressed or have a disorder, or hopefully both.”

What is the key idea?

Our mindset influences how we experience challenges, solve problems and perform. Success does not automatically create happiness; rather, a positive mindset can influence our energy, creativity and ability to achieve success.

Why does it matter for managers?

Managers have a significant influence on the emotional environment of their teams. The way leaders communicate, respond to challenges and recognise progress affects motivation and engagement.

What can managers do differently?

  • Create an environment where people feel supported and valued.
  • Focus attention on progress and possibilities, not only problems.
  • Recognise achievements and celebrate success.
  • Be aware of the energy and attitude you bring to conversations.

Final thoughts: Motivation is created through everyday experiences

Motivation is not something leaders can simply give to people. It is influenced by the everyday experiences people have at work: whether they see meaning in what they do, whether they feel valued by others and whether they have the mindset and support needed to perform at their best.

The lessons from these TED Talks remind us that motivation is not only about rewards and incentives. It is about creating an environment where people feel their work matters, their contribution is recognised and their potential is supported.

For managers, the challenge is not to find one perfect way to motivate people. It is to understand what helps people engage, contribute and thrive—and then create more of those conditions every day.

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Leading through change: A guide for managers

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This post explores how managers can lead through change by understanding how people experience change, communicating effectively, building trust, and supporting their teams as they adapt.

  • Reading time
  • 10 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers, team leaders, and anyone responsible for helping people navigate change, maintain engagement, and deliver results during periods of uncertainty or transition.

Change has become a constant part of working life. Whether it is a new strategy, a change in structure, new technology, evolving customer expectations, or different ways of working, teams are regularly asked to adapt.

People experience change differently. Some may see change as opportunity and embrace new possibilities, while others may feel uncertain or concerned about what the change means for them. For managers, the biggest challenge is helping people understand what is happening, navigate uncertainty, and stay engaged throughout the transition. Their role is not to remove every difficulty, but to provide clarity, support, and direction when people need it most.

Successful change happens when people feel informed, involved, and supported. In this article, we explore practical ways managers can help their teams adapt, build confidence, and move forward during times of change.

 

“Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn’t all bad – not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life – to keep us moving … to keep us growing … to keep us interested … Imagine life without change. It would be static … boring … dull.”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady

 

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Changing how people feel about change

When organisations introduce change, managers often focus on what needs to happen: new processes, new systems, new behaviours, or new ways of working. But successful change depends just as much on how people feel about it.

People do not usually resist change itself. They often resist uncertainty, a lack of control, or not understanding why the change is happening. A change that seems logical from a business perspective can still feel challenging from an individual perspective.

Managers play an important role in helping people move from uncertainty to confidence. This does not mean convincing everyone that change is easy or ignoring legitimate concerns. It means creating the conditions where people feel informed, supported, and able to adapt.

Understanding how people experience change: the Satir Change Model

People rarely move through change in a straight line or at the same speed. Some team members may embrace change quickly, while others may need more time and support.The Satir Change Model helps explain the emotional journey people often experience when facing something new. The model describes five stages:

Late status quo

Before change happens, people are familiar with the current way of working. Even if things are not perfect, there is a sense of stability and predictability.

Resistance

When change is introduced, people often experience uncertainty. They may question the reasons for the change, worry about the impact on them, or feel frustrated about leaving familiar ways of working behind. This is not necessarily negativity—it is often a natural response to uncertainty.

Chaos

As people let go of old ways and learn new ones, there can be a period of confusion and reduced confidence. Mistakes may happen, productivity may dip, and people may need additional support.

Integration

Gradually, people begin to understand the new reality. They develop new skills, find new ways of working, and start to see the benefits of the change.

New status quo

Eventually, the change becomes the new normal. People regain confidence, performance improves, and the new behaviours or processes become established.

 

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.”

James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

Change happens through people

One of the biggest mistakes organisations make during change is viewing people as a barrier to progress. When employees question decisions, raise concerns, or struggle to adapt, it can be tempting to label them as “resistant to change.”

But people are not obstacles to overcome. People are the reason why the change will be successful (or not).

Concerns, questions, and different perspectives are often valuable sources of information. They can highlight practical challenges, identify risks, and reveal where more clarity and support are needed. A team member who asks difficult questions may not be blocking change—they may be helping the organisation understand what is needed to make it work.

The role of a manager is not to eliminate all uncertainty or convince everyone to feel positive about the change. It is to create an environment where people feel heard, supported, and involved.

This means:

  • listening to concerns before responding
  • asking for input where people can genuinely influence the outcome
  • explaining decisions and the reasons behind them
  • recognising that different people will adapt at different speeds

When people push back against change, the easiest response is often to see it as a problem. But resistance is usually a signal that something needs attention.

A concern may indicate that someone:

  • does not understand the reason for the change
  • feels they have not been listened to
  • is worried about their ability to succeed
  • has experienced poorly managed change in the past
  • needs more information, time, or support

The best managers do not ask, “How do I overcome resistance?” They ask, “What is this resistance/concern telling me, and what support do people need to move forward?”

How to communicate change effectively

Effective communication is one of the biggest factors influencing how people experience change. When information is limited, people naturally fill the gaps themselves—and those assumptions are not always helpful. During change, managers do not need to have every answer, but they do need to create clarity. People want to understand what is happening, why it is happening, and what it means for them.

Communicating change successfully doesn’t automatically mean that you’ll achieve change successfully, because ultimately, the organizational capacity for change relies heavily on the individual’s capacity for change. In other words, some people will reach the New Status Quo much faster than others, others not at all. Some will have few problems, others a lot. But there’s no doubt about it, you need a communication plan/strategy to accompany the change.

Effective change communication starts with four key questions:

Why is this change happening?

People are more likely to support change when they understand the reason behind it. Explain the purpose, the challenges being addressed, and the benefits the change is intended to create.

What will change, and what will stay the same?

Uncertainty often comes from not knowing what the future looks like. Be clear about what will be different, including any changes to processes, responsibilities, behaviours, or ways of working. Avoid focusing only on the solution. Help people understand the journey from where they are now to where they need to be.

How will this affect people?

Everyone affected by change will naturally ask: “How will this impact me?” Managers should consider what individuals need to know about their role, expectations, skills, priorities, and day-to-day work. Avoid communicating only from the organisation’s perspective.

Consider the questions employees will have:

  • How will this impact my role?
  • What will I need to learn?
  • What support will I receive?
  • What is expected of me?

How can people share their thoughts and concerns?

Communication during change should be a conversation, not just an announcement. Create opportunities for people to ask questions, share concerns, and provide feedback. Listening does not mean every request can be acted upon, but it shows people that their experience matters.

A few tips for managers:

  • Communicate early, even when some details are still developing.
  • Repeat key messages—people rarely absorb important information the first time.
  • Be honest when you don’t know something and commit to finding out.
  • Avoid overly positive messages that ignore genuine challenges.
  • Adapt your communication to the needs of different individuals and teams.

During change (uncertainty), people often judge the message by the messenger. Managers who communicate openly, consistently, and with empathy help create the trust people need to move forward.

Are we there yet? – The importance of measuring progress and highlighting success

When people are asked to change, one of the questions they naturally ask is: How will I know this is working?”

Without clear signs of progress, change can feel endless. People may put in significant effort without knowing whether they are moving in the right direction, whether the change is having an impact, or whether their contribution is making a difference.

Understanding what success looks like helps people connect their daily actions with the bigger goal. They need to know:

  • What outcomes are we working towards?
  • How will we measure progress?
  • What will be different when the change is successful?
  • How will we know that the effort has been worthwhile?

Clear measures provide direction and confidence. They help people understand what is expected, recognise improvements, and see how their role contributes to the overall success of the change.

It is also important to recognise that success is not only about reaching the final destination. During change, progress often happens through small steps: learning new skills, adopting new behaviours, solving problems, and finding better ways of working.

When managers highlight these moments, they help people see that progress is happening. Celebrating milestones, sharing success stories, and recognising individual contributions all build confidence and motivation.

Summary

Leading through change is about helping people navigate uncertainty, understand the reason behind the change, and feel supported as they adapt. As a manager, you don’t need to have all the answers or convince people that the change will be good and easy to achieve.

Successful change happens when managers recognise the human side of change. People need clarity, communication, involvement, and evidence that their efforts are making a difference. They need to feel that they are part of the change, not as someone who the change is happening to.

The most effective managers understand that change is a journey. Different people will move through that journey at different speeds, and each person may need different levels of support. By building trust, listening to concerns, communicating openly, and recognising progress, managers can help their teams move from uncertainty towards confidence and commitment.

Key takeaways

  • Change is personal. People respond to change differently based on their experiences, concerns, and perception of what they may gain or lose. Understanding where people are in the change process helps managers respond more effectively. Someone in the resistance stage may need clarity and reassurance, while someone in the chaos stage may need coaching and practical support.
  • Resistance is often a signal, not a problem. Questions and concerns can reveal where people need more information, involvement, or support.
  • Communication creates clarity. People need to understand why the change is happening, what it means for them, and how success will be measured.
  • People support what they help create. Involving employees where possible builds ownership, trust, and commitment.
  • Managers set the tone during change. The way leaders communicate, behave, and respond to uncertainty has a significant impact on how people experience change.
  • Progress needs to be visible. Recognising small wins, celebrating milestones, and highlighting success helps people see that their efforts are making a difference.
  • The goal is not to rush people through change. The goal is to provide the support, clarity, and confidence people need to successfully navigate it.
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5 simple assertiveness strategies (for teddy bears and tortoises)

We all know the feeling. You come out of a meeting, negotiation or a conflict discussion with a difficult team member, and say to yourself, “If I had only said or done this.” Or “Was I too hard on my report?” For whatever reason, you aren’t asserting yourself and addressing the issue.

What do we mean by assertiveness?

listening skills target trainingBefore going any further we ought to agree and be clear what “being assertive” is. We have all experienced managers, experts who have the ability to set people on the right course, give negative feedback without breaking the relationship, or make a tough point without being offensive or hurtful. They handle substance and people equally well …and that is true assertiveness. These people have good communication skills, are blessed with social and emotional intelligence and have reached the fourth level of “conscious competence”.

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Very quickly, here’s the fourth level, explained in more detail:

Level 4 – unconscious competence*

  • the skill becomes so practised that it enters the unconscious parts of the brain – it becomes ‘second nature’
  • common examples are driving, sports activities, typing, manual dexterity tasks, listening and communicating
  • it becomes possible for certain skills to be performed while doing something else, for example, knitting while reading a book
  • the person might now be able to teach others in the skill concerned, although after some time of being unconsciously competent the person might actually have difficulty in explaining exactly how they do it – the skill has become largely instinctual
  • this arguably gives rise to the need for long-standing unconscious competence to be checked periodically against new standards

*Taken from http://www.businessballs.com/consciouscompetencelearningmodel.htm

But this takes time, experience and maybe innate ability. So what about us mere mortals lower down the food chain who struggle with the substance/people balance?

Assertiveness starts with knowing our rights and responsibilities

In the world of learning and development we understand that being assertive is being aware we have rights and responsibilities. In other words, we have the right to assert our position, but (especially as a manager) we have the responsibility to be fair and to respect our reports and colleagues. This easier said than done. Furthermore it is often those who tend to play the teddy bear (accommodate), or the tortoise (avoid conflict) who need most support and coaching. People who tend to be pushy, or even aggressive (the sharks), normally feel quite good about themselves. So here are 5 strategies for teddy bears and tortoises.

5 communication strategies that work

Scripting

If you have a difficult discussion coming up, then write down your key arguments, how you can best convince the other party. Script how you address the issue, how you formulate what you want, how you word criticism and other sensitive issues. Unless you are very experienced, just relying on intuition and ‘seeing where the moment will take you’ can be costly.

SPIN

When you want something out of the ordinary from a team member or colleague, then script using the SPIN formula: Situation – Problem – Impact (of the problem on the business) – Need. In other words involve the report by briefly describing the context. Involve them and treat them as adults.

Saying no

As a manager you have the right to say no. If you want to say “No”, then say it but give a reason and maybe provide an alternative. If you want to say “Yes”, then say that too. We have all come across people who appear to say “No” on principle. This might be useful in a negotiation, but counterproductive when dealing with staff.

Broken Record

Sometimes your opposite number just refuses to take “no” for an answer. Provided you are 100% clear on your position, then it’s time to play broken record. Like the old-fashioned vinyl LPs with a deep scratch, you simply repeat yourself, NO plus reason, always using the same wording: e.g: “As I said I cannot give you a pay rise, as there is a freeze on salaries.”, then “I understand your position but as I said ……” and so on. Using this strategy takes courage and should be used sparingly and only with difficult people. Even the most obstinate will get your point after three rounds.

Buy Time

People are not stupid. If they want a favour or a concession, they will approach you when you are under pressure, with no time. This can mean you are unprepared and certainly unscripted. So if you are at all unsure about your response, then buy time: “Let me get back to you when I have finished this.” You will come to regret shooting from the hip and start kicking yourself, “Why on earth did I say that?”

Most of us cannot be assertive on command

Our behaviour is determined by our fight, flee or freeze instincts. Assertiveness is a conscious way of thinking and acting. These five simple strategies will help you develop your assertiveness. But, as with nearly everything, it takes practice.

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Powerful Communication – The Power of the Purpose Pyramid

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listening skills target trainingThe purpose pyramid is one of the simplest and yet effective communication models for introducing a presentation, opening a meeting or organizing your thoughts that there is. It is so simple, in fact, that no one seems to take credit for it though you will find it in the work of many communications gurus. The four questions in the pyramid aren’t special by themselves, but together they offer a powerful way to connect what you want to do with the goals and needs of your organization, no matter what business you are in or function you perform. Why? + What? + How? + Who? = Alignment. The Purpose Pyramid makes it easy for you to structure your communication – in any situation.

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pyramid

Why?

Why is where you share or remind your team about the deeper meaning and purpose of the organization. This is the reason that energizes you and your colleagues as well as your customers. What’s your why? Your purpose is best when it brings the energy of your team together and they can all see themselves in it. It should also attract internal and external customers to your work.

A band plays music, by definition – but wouldn’t you rather see a band whose purpose is to give you high energy and a memorable musical experience?

At a more nuts and bolts level, you can also apply the why to day-to-day interactions and situations. An example could be to state the purpose (why) of a meeting on the agenda for everyone to see. If there is a question about being on track, the team can refer to the mutually agreed purpose of the team.

What?

What refers to the tasks you and your team need to get done to contribute to making your purpose a reality. At their best these tasks are things you can track and observe easily so all can know when it is accomplished. For example, to have better meetings is not a clear task. Having everyone contribute to the meeting is a clear task. The SMART principle is a great model to use, just remember they should in some way contribute to achieving your purpose.

An example could be to make task identification a two-step process. Instead of automatically identifying who should complete a task at the same time as identifying the task, outline just the tasks first. Going through the how before identifying who will help team members to know what they are committing to.

How?

How is where you turn to your method, approach or process, How will you get your tasks accomplished? For example, sticking with the “better meetings” example, if my task is to have everyone contribute to a meeting, I could tell the team members I expect them to contribute and hope for the best or I could use a polling technique in the meeting to give each attendee the space to speak uninterrupted.

If a task is complex, the “how” could be a process or procedure that helps to complete the task effectively and efficiently. If you have standard operating procedures in place, this is the time to stress their use.

An example could be to identify the resources and process necessary to complete a task before asking who will do it. Leaders get a chance to offer support to the team and may encourage team members to accept a stretch task because they know how they will be supported.

Who?

Who refers to the individual and collective commitments or expectations that match your team to the tasks at hand. In most meetings the who stage tells how well we’ve done the other stages. If team members recognize and connect with their purpose, the necessity of a task and the process and resources to get it done, it’s a lot easier to agree to do them. With the clarity you’ve built earlier, it is easier for you to ask for what you want while committing to do what is necessary to support your team. A great question at the end of a meeting is “what have we agreed to do?” to check agreements without sounding like a task master.

Browse our blog for more tips and tricks

And/or let me know of any other useful communication tools that always work for you. I look forward to hearing from you!

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Giving and asking for recommendations

Giving and asking for recommendations

Have you ever wanted to recommend a person, their services or even a good restaurant to someone else but didn’t know how to do it? Have you ever wanted someone to recommend you to others? Maybe you have a special skill that you’d like others to know about. You might have heard about a position, but need someone to recommend you in order to apply. Perhaps you just want to share some useful information with others and want them to know how much you liked it. All of these situations require us to give or ask for recommendations. Below you’ll find some examples of how to do this.
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Asking for recommendations:

  • Could you put in a good word for me?
  • Could you let others know about this experience?
  • Could you pass this on to others?
  • Would you mind sharing your experience?
  • Would you add me to your contact list?

Giving recommendations:

  • I highly recommend using this product / service.
  • This person is highly trained / very skilled / very professional.
  • We found the information presented very useful.
  • I only have positive things to say about this product / this person / this service.
  • I would be happy to give you their contact information.
  • Please mention my name when you contact them.

Here are some examples:

Employee / colleague asking for a reference:

I am writing to you since we have worked on many projects together. You always seem very pleased with my ideas and the way that I deal with problems that come up, so I would like to ask you to share this information with a potential new supervisor. As you know, I am applying for a position in the [name] department and I need a recommendation from someone who has worked with me. Would you put in a good word for me?

Response to the request:

You are right, I am very satisfied with the work that you have done in the past. I’d be happy to act as a reference for you since I think that the [name] department would also benefit from your skills. If they contact me, I’ll definitely pass your name on as a potential candidate.

Possible reference statement:

I would be happy to recommend [name] for the position you are trying to fill. [He / she] is very highly qualified and has always successfully dealt with the topics we have worked on together in the past. I only have positive things to say about [him/ her]. Please mention my name to them if you decide to shortlist them for an interview.

Try it and tell us about it

Now that you have some ideas about how to ask for and give recommendations, why not try it out by asking a colleague for feedback on a presentation or a project you have recently completed?

Maybe you can do someone a favour by recommending them to others. Or perhaps you want to let us know what you think of the information presented in our blog? Please feel free to use our comments box below.

 

 

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Giving feedback using the DESC model

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Giving feedback effectively will have a real impact on your business

Everybody understands that performance feedback should be constructive, focused and to the point. Effective feedback can resolve conflicts, overcome problems and improve individual and team morale. It doesn’t really need mentioning that ineffective feedback often accomplishes the opposite. Or that if you are skilled at giving effective feedback, your team will be more motivated, which leads to better performance.

While feedback should focus on behavior, performance feedback is still a personal conversation between people about people. Emotions always play a part in interpersonal communication. Effective feedback is as much about bringing the right message(s) across as it is about how your message is interpreted.

No matter how skilled the feedback giver is, if the receiver isn’t interested in hearing or taking the feedback, nothing will get through.http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2014/03/05/douglas-stone-the-importance-of-feedback-in-business-communications/

The more difficult the feedback, the more the giver needs to consider the the emotional impact of the feedback. Giving positive feedback is easy.
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DESC is simple and it works

In our skills-based Leadership training, we use the simple 4-step model DESC for structuring feedback. Participants in our “Practical Toolbox for Managers” seminars often highlight DESC as one of the most valuable tools they are taking away. This model is designed to help you to get your message clear and it can even take the stress out of the feedback conversation for those of us that weren’t born with effective feedback-giving skills.

DESCRIPTION

Give an objective and concrete description of what you have observed using “I” statements.

EFFECT

Explain the effect or impact it had on your business, the team or its members. If the effect was an emotion, name it. Your body language and tone of voice will already be showing your elation or frustration – putting them out in the open can help you move things forward.

SOLUTION

Build the solution through a directive (“What I would like you to do next time is …”) or a participative approach (“What do you think we can do to avoid this next time?”).

CONCLUSION

Build a “contract of commitment”. Check your understanding of what has been agreed, and get commitment for the future.

Further Leadership resources:

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Someone Late for Meetings?: 3 Questions to Ask

When someone is always late

Effective meetings can be tough to manage when everyone is on time.  What about when someone is always late for meetings?  Everyone in an organization knows that lateness can be a problem, but the topic of what to do if someone is consistently late for meetings is rarely discussed. Here, the key word is consistently. Everyone can be late at one time or another, but it’s when someone is predictably, consistently late that problems begin to pile up. Before we get to the questions you should ask your chronically late colleague, let’s take a look at the questions you shouldn’t ask.

3 questions you shouldn’t ask your colleague who is always late for meetings

  1. Is your watch broken?
  2. Did you forget how to tell time?
  3. Where the hell were you?

Time management strategies don’t include learning how to tell time or buying a better watch. Experts in the field agree that if someone is consistently late for meetings, it’s their attitude that’s to blame. Changing time habits in relation to meetings means changing the colleague’s mindset, incentivizing being on time and not punishing colleagues for being on time. Yes, you read that right. Very often, meetings are postponed to wait for late colleagues, effectively punishing those who come on time.

3 questions you should ask your colleague who is always late for meetings

1.  Do you think you have a clearly-defined role in this meeting?

A clear role means having a specifically-defined function in the meeting. Some examples of roles: moderator, organizer, minute-taker, timekeeper and participant. Participant is the generic name for anyone at a meeting, but a participant has responsibilities at the meeting as well and should be held accountable for fulfilling them. Examples of the responsibilities of a meeting participant are: being active in brainstorming sessions, contributing to discussions and helping create the agenda for future meetings.

2.  You’re going to keep the minutes for the next meeting, right?

Keeping and distributing the meeting minutes isn’t exactly the most glamorous or enjoyable task. One way of encouraging participants to come on time might be to give them a small penalty (for example, maybe they have to keep and distribute the minutes for the next meeting, make a small donation to a charity or supply coffee for everyone at the next meeting). Naturally, the penalties should be light-hearted, but the cause should be taken seriously.

3.  Do you have any feedback about the quality of this meeting?

Being on time is important, but lateness can sometimes be a symptom of dissatisfaction with the meeting itself. If your colleague lacks a clear role, feels that their voice isn’t heard in the meeting or finds the meeting pointless, it can lead to carelessness regarding the ground rules your meeting participants agreed on (one of which should definitely be: we start and end on time).

3 benefits of considering these points when someone is consistently late for meetings

  1. You ensure all colleagues have a clearly-defined role in the meeting.
  2. You ensure that chronically late arrivals are punished for their tardiness, not the other way around.
  3. You accept responsibility for the quality of your meeting and give the participants a chance to give feedback. An anonymous feedback form made available on the company intranet might be one way of allowing colleagues to give constructive feedback in a comfortable manner.

As we can see, being late for meetings can be an indication that someone has a broken watch, but it can also be a reflection on the quality of your meeting in general. Taking a moment to reflect on the underlying reasons behind a behavior can be a chance to make sure your meeting is running as efficiently as possible.

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Presentation Conclusions: Signal to the End

Strong start, strong finish

A good presentation conclusion is a very important part of any presentation, and often not given as much attention as it should.  Many people focus on starting strong with a good introduction, and then delivering good content.  There is nothing wrong with this as long as they finish with the same strength with which they started.  Many times I have seen presentations end awkwardly, which can leave a bad taste in the audience’s mouth.  A good presentation conclusion will have an effective summary, recommendation or call to action, and an opportunity to address any open issues through questions.  A part of a presentation conclusion that often gets forgotten is a clear and effective “signal to the end”.  A signal to the end is a one sentence phrase that is designed to show your audience that you are going to start your presentation conclusion.  It should be said right before you get into your summary, and should act as a clear sign to your audience.

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3 reasons to include a signal to the end in your presentation conclusion

  1. Wake up the audience.  Many times the audience loses focus and is daydreaming towards the end of the presentation.  This shows them that things are ending soon, and it is time to pay attention again.
  2. Reset your own focus.  Sometimes it is easy to go so in-depth on topics we know well that we lose focus on what our audience wants to hear.  The signal to the end not only wakes up the audience, but the speaker as well and allows them to deliver a strong presentation conclusion.
  3. Clarify your structure.  Presentations need clear structure so that the audience can focus on key points and follow along.  When you use effective transitional phrases such as a signal to the end, it creates clarity in your structure and helps the audience stay with you.

3 phrases to use as a signal to the end in your presentation conclusion

  1. “This brings me to the end of my presentation.  To summarize my main points,…”
  2. “Well, that is all I have for today.  Let me now summarize what I talked about…. ”
  3. “I have now come to the end of my presentation.  In summary, I spoke about…”

3 results of using a signal to the end in your presentation conclusion

  1. Get your points across a final time.  At the end of a good presentation, you will have mentioned your main points in your introduction, your body, and finally in your conclusion summary.  A good signal to the end focuses the audience’s attention one last time, so that you can mention your main points again as well as your recommendation.  People tend to remember what they hear at the end of a presentation more than at the beginning or middle.
  2. Set yourself up to finish strong.  By clearly defining you are starting your conclusion, it will help you focus and go through the correct steps in your conclusion.  This will leave your audience with a favorable impression of your speech.
  3. Be a better public speaker.  So many people give poorly structured presentations, and especially end their presentations on a low note.  Having a clear structure will help you to look more professional and get the results you want out of your presentation.

Having a strong presentation conclusion will leave your audience with a focused, positive view of your message and a good signal to the end is key to starting it well.  Let us know of any ideas you have in the comment areas below.  Want more on presenting with impact?  Click here.

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Presentation Techniques: Speaking in Threes

Presentation techniques: tripling

There are hundreds of presentation techniques, and some are more common than others. One example is that people find it easy to remember things in threes, and building on this tendency (known as tripling) is one of the simple presentation techniques that work in all presentations.  You’ve probably already seen or heard people doing it…

“Veni, Vidi, Vici”  – Julius Caesar
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen …” –William Shakespeare
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people” – Abraham Lincoln

Of course you don’t need to be a great public speaker to make this work for you in your business presentations.

3 simple tips on presentation techniques for speaking in threes

1. Use three items that fit together to make an impact

Come back to the same item each time, hammering home the point:
  • We can retain customers by reducing our reaction time.
  • We can retain customers by offering round the clock support.
  • And we can retain customers by delivering spare parts within 48 hours.
  • Three items that act in sequence to reach a desired goal. e.g. “If we reduce our reaction time, offer round the clock support, and commit to delivering spare parts within 48 hours we will retain more customers.”
  • Three key themes that together cover a wide area. e.g. “We need to retain customers, we need to expand into the BRIC countries and we need to acquire smaller local competitors.”

2.  Use rhetorical questions

  • Ask a rhetorical question e.g. “So what is our new customer support strategy?”
  • Offer a simple, even minimalistic, response  e.g. “It’s called One Service.”
  • Then drive this home with three related words or phrases to grab attention, encapsulate or summarize. e.g. “One Service will form networks, it will promote best-practice sharing and most importantly it will make us even more effective.”

3.  Use your voice to leave a lasting impression

  • You can connect the three items by rising or reducing the pitch of your voice for each one.
  • Going up with your voice increases emotion, going down brings a sense of finality and certainty.
  • You may also want to put your most important point last – and then pause before it to make an additional impact.

Give it a go. Using presentation techniques such as speaking in threes will make your key messages simple. It will also make them clear and, above all, it will make them memorable. Let us know what you think in the comments area below.  Also, click here to see how Target Training’s seminar can help even the great presenters get better.

 

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