Schlagwortarchiv für: influencing

The CIA model: Control, Influence, Accept

15. September 2021/in Leadership, Soft Skills/von Stephen Jenner

The CIA model, discussed in The Critically Reflective Practitioner (2008) is a framework for navigating difficult times or situations. We use this model often in communications and leadership training. Sometimes used as a stress-management tool, the model helps bring focus and clarity on actions to take, and guides us how to minimise the impact of external events at the same time as maximising the impact of our personal power. In this post, we’ll explain the CIA model in more detail, and we’ll explore each part of the model to identify ways to implement it.

CIA Model

Control	Influence	Accept
identify which elements of the situation you can directly control	identify the elements that you can’t control, but that you can perhaps influence	identify the things that you can neither control or influence, and learn to live with them

Control

“It’s not events that upset us but rather our opinions about them.”

Epictetus

When I’m delivering training on change management or influencing skills, I start by asking participants to identify things in the situation or change process that they directly control. At first, they typically produce quite a small list, but with more thought and prompting their lists get bigger. What always strikes me is how many of the things on their lists relate to self-control rather than control of external things. In a nutshell, most external events are outside our control, but we can control how we react or feel about them and the decisions we make. So, the first lesson of the CIA model is that we control more than we think we do – if we know where to look. Here is a list of some of the things that are inside of our control:

our emotions
expertise/subject knowledge
how we react to situations
our reputation
personal choices/decisions
relationships with other people
interpersonal skills

Are you making the most of the control you have over these and other things?

Influence

“It is not that we have a short life to live, but that we waste a lot of it.”

Seneca

Once we have a list of what we do and don’t control, we are ready to move on to use what we control to influence the situation. It is not productive to waste time getting frustrated over things we cannot control; rather we need to focus our energy by leveraging the things we do control to exert some influence. For example, building better relationships is a clear way to influence other people.

Who is your role model? Barrack Obama, your line manager, Batman? Role models exert powerful influence over us because we admire something in them. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, ask – what would my role model do? Thinking in this way can help us see the situation in a new way and use the resources we have to find some personal power.

See the links at the end of this post for resources to develop influencing skills.

Accept

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness.”

Marcus Aurelius

There are some things we cannot control or influence. In this case we just need to accept that bad things happen. But this doesn’t need to throw us off track. In fact, these kinds of things have the potential to help us grow enormously, if we can find learning opportunities in them. “What’s the worst that can happen?” is a good question to ask in order to get some perspective on the situation. Looking back at past failures and difficult situations is another great way to realise that things which seem the end of the world are seldom so.

The CIA model itself is a method of accepting what can be controlled, and what cannot, and carving out some influence in order to move forward. This doesn’t mean it’s easy to do, but it will get easier.

Endnote

You will notice that we have quoted 3 philosophers in this post. Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius lived in the ancient world and developed a school of philosophy known as Stoicism. The basis of Stoicism is that external events are neither intrinsically good nor bad, so it is only our reaction to them that counts and that’s what we need to work on. If we had started this post describing an ancient school of philosophy, you might not have continued reading. But this 2000-year-old philosophy is the basis for much of today’s thinking and trends on self-help and dealing with adversity, from Mindfulness to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to CIA itself.

We hope you enjoyed reading this post. If you would like to know more about our experience of working with organisations going through change, feel free to contact us.

For more information

For more tips and advice on influencing and dealing with change, see these posts:

Training solutions

A practical guide to storytelling in business

12. März 2020/in Leadership, Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

People have always told stories and they are a vital part of our communication. Today, storytelling has become accepted (and sometimes expected) in a professional context. We’ve seen a rapid demand for our practical storytelling in business training solutions. Whereas 8 years ago there was sometimes a need to convince people that a storytelling approach was valid, we rarely get any pushback today. This change in attitudes can be partly attributed to the power of the TED talk format, partly to our push back against death by PowerPoint and people speaking to us in bullets … and mainly because storytelling never went away. When done well, storytelling connects with people in a way no other communication approach can. This post outlines the essentials so you can get started.

What is a story? And why should I use them?

Every story has …

a plot
a beginning, middle and end
often involves overcoming a problem, challenge, obstacle, dilemma
but above all …. a story connects on a human /emotional level

This last point is the key. A story is not a series of events or a case study. It should connect with people and create an emotional reaction.
This connecting makes stories easy to remember. When done well stories bring meaning to information and have the power to move people. Depending on the story and the skill of the storyteller our brains …

produce cortisol during the tense moments in a story, which allows us to focus
produce oxytocin, that promotes connection and empathy
release dopamine which makes us feel more hopeful and optimistic

If you are interested in the science behind these statements, these two HB articles explore the science behind storytelling and what makes storytelling so effective for learning.

This means you can choose to use a story in a wide range of situations. We often use stories when presenting, influencing, teaching, leading or just in day-to-day discussions. Consider using stories when you want to aid memory, celebrate, challenge assumptions, connect, convince, encourage, energize, entertain, explain, impress, inspire, motivate, persuade, reinforce values or beliefs, scare or shock, sell, support, teach or warn.

How do I build a story?

Learning to build a great story is a skill, and it can require practice. If you want to build a story you need to start with your audience. Your first question has to be “What do I want them to feel?”. Sometimes the emotion you arrive at may surprise you. Secondly ask yourself “What do I want them to understand? think? do?”. Then think back over the situations you’ve been part of, or have observed. It is far easier and far better to tell stories that mean something to you and are your stories. You can share other people’s stories but make sure you have the information and the understanding to bring it to life. Again, a story works because it connects on a human /emotional level.

This post goes behind the scenes with 2 of our staff, discussing the challenges some professionals have when building a story and how they approach this in a training environment.

If you are struggling to build a story, then try using the IDEAS approach:

Identify the emotion you are trying to create. Then identify what you want your listener to understand and do.
Decide which story would best accomplish this and connect with your listener
Expand your story. You have the bones, now put the flesh on them.
Anticipate their questions and reactions. Now choose to deal with these within your story or intentionally leave this out to provoke discussion once you’ve finished telling the story.
See the story as you tell it.

Finally, don’t assume you can just get up and tell it. You need to practice your story, if you want to make it matter.

How do I actually tell my story?

If the story means something to you, you will already have the content and the structure. Make things personal and tell tough stories. If your story is tough and personally matters to you, you will naturally find the pace, the tone and the body language you need to make your story captivating. When you are developing and practising your story, follow these 3 great pieces of advice:

Invest time in building it
Practice out loud
Make it personal to you

When you are delivering the story …

see the story as you tell it
use outer and inner language. Outer language is what physically happened, while inner language is how the person was feeling thinking. An advanced tip is to avoid eye contact when you are sharing the inner language.
use plenty of LOTS (language of the senses). This includes what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, tough or felt
take your time. If your rush your story, you will rob it of its richness. You wouldn’t want to read a story structured into bullet points, would you?

And if you want to get really good …

use memory devices e.g. words, phrases or images repeated in different places
use a tangible object or image as a starting or closing point
when doing dialogues adopt a different voice/body/position for each person
consider your space – roam the room or sit on a chair – BUT actively think about it!

What should I not do when telling a story?

Telling a story is NOT the same as making a presentation. A lot of the techniques you’ve learned on presentation seminars are story-killers and using them will rob your story of its emotional content. For example:

Don’t put your key message up front
Don’t tell them what you’ll tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them
Don’t start with the structure, start with the emotion
We would also suggest you avoid the phrase “Let me tell you a story”

Storytelling is a learnable skill! It starts with identifying your goal and understanding your audience. You need to know the emotion you are looking for. From there you start hunting for the right story, which you then craft through practice. Don’t rush it, do not “present” it, and have the courage to just tell a story person to person. You’ll be surprised at the impact you can make.

And if you’d like support, whether it be coaching or training then do get in touch. We’d love to help you be even better at storytelling.

Balancing your emotional bank accounts – practical activities for managers and leaders

10. August 2019/in Leadership, Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

In our previous blog we explained what an emotional bank account is and why managers need to care about building them . To quickly recap, an emotional bank account is a metaphor coined by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship, and when trust is high, communication is easy and effective. Every time a manager says something supportive, shows respect, helps somebody with a difficult situation, etc., they make a deposit in that person’s emotional bank account. Every time they criticize, blame, lie, intimidate, etc., they make a withdrawal. Over time, the effects of these deposits will help transform that relationship. This post goes deeper into how to build your emotional bank accounts.

How do you build a healthy emotional bank account with your team?

Every manager and team are different, and culture can play a part, but at the end of the day it comes back to our relationships and how we behave. Covey identified six ways to make deposits (or reduce withdrawals):

1) Understand the individual

You need to know what the individual wants and what constitutes a deposit and withdrawal for them. Whereas one employee might be exhilarated by presenting their project results to the board another may prefer to be in the background and their contribution acknowledged privately. Ask yourself what drives them? How do they want recognition? What makes their eyes light up?

2) Keeping commitments

We have all broken a promise and let somebody down, and when we do this, we are making a withdrawal. Keeping commitments is about doing what we say we’ll do, keeping our promises, delivering what we said we’d deliver, being on time, being where we should be, fulfilling our promises. If you consistently keep your commitments, you build healthy emotional bank accounts with people.

3) Clarifying expectations

Each of us have different backgrounds, experiences and expectations. We see the world differently. Clarifying understanding and expectations is essential if you’d like to minimize misunderstanding and wrong assumptions. By proactively investing time in clarifying expectations and building a mutual understanding of what you need, don’t need, want, don’t want etc you can minimize the “ I thought that..”, “I’d assumed ..”, “To me it was obvious that …”. And keep in mind that if you are leading people and teams virtually, then the risk of false assumptions and misunderstanding does increase, and formalizing things with communication charters does help.

4) Attending to the little things

Relationships aren’t only built by big moments but by the little things too. These are the smiles in the corridor, holding the door open, short thank you emails, remembering their daughter has just started school, not heading straight to your office but spending a moment walking through the open office to be seen. Kind words, smiles, courtesies, warmth. Human interest, and taking time when you don’t have to.

5) Showing personal integrity

Relationships are built on trust and integrity. What does integrity mean? The word “integrity” comes from the Latin integritatem, meaning “soundness” or “wholeness.” Integrity is not situational – it is a state of mind. In Covey’s words…

“ Integrity is conforming reality to our words … keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.”

What does this look like in practice? Here are 7 musts to start with…

Do the right thing for the right reasons and because it’s the right thing to do – even if it is going to be unpopular with some people.
Face the truth and talk about it. This is the reality principle of “seeing the world as it really is, and not as you wish it is”.
Be upfront in your communication. People want to know where they stand and what is going on. People won’t always like what they hear but they will value the adult-adult relationship.
Know you are sometimes wrong and that you sometimes make mistakes – and admit this.
Take responsibility for what you do and don’t do.
Put the needs of others before your own.
Be loyal to those not present – confront gossiping, complaining and bad mouthing about people who aren’t in the room.

6) Apologizing when we make a withdrawal

we are all human, and we all make mistakes and get things wrong. Know when you’ve made a mistake, admit it and apologize with sincerity. Admitting you’ve made a mistake doesn’t necessarily mean it is acceptable but it’s a start, and can be healing to a relationship. Avoid the temptation of wanting to discuss why you made it before you discuss and show understanding of the impact it had on others. And understand that if you are continually making the same type of withdrawal, trust will erode. It’s the smaller things that kill relationships in the long run. Finally, don’t try and lighten withdrawals with banter, humour or a “shit sandwich”– this is rarely appreciated.

To add to the list above , tolerance and forgiveness are also powerful deposits, as is appreciative inquiry and holding back judgment and sweeping statements.

A 10-minute practical activity for managers

Write down the names of 5 team members that are important to your team’s success.
Now look back at your calendar over the last 2 weeks and use this, plus your memory, to find evidence of deposits and withdrawals. A meeting went poorly and they left frustrated – that’s a withdrawal. They bent your ear and you listened and gave them your attention – a deposit. Build a simple balance sheet (name at the top, left column is deposits, right column is withdrawals.
Now put the paper down / close the document and go and do something.
A few hours later (or even the next day) come back and for each of the 5 team members write down what you believe motivates and drives them? What gives them energy and what takes it? How do they like to communicate? And what do they see as recognition?
Almost there … now
1. Look at your evidence of deposit and withdrawals (step 2) and ask yourself hwo you feel about the balance
2. Look at the types of deposits and withdrawals and ask yourself does this tie in with what they need? Not everyone will see public recognition as a deposit And not everyone will see direct feedback and getting straight to it as a withdrawal. Deposits and withdrawals are personal.
And now the final step. Ask yourself what can you do in the coming month differently? If possible, plan them into your calendar by finding tangible moments e.g.. You can’t enter “Tuesday 14:00-14:30 listen” but you can set up a meeting to discuss a project and make a conscious effort to listen first. https://www.targettraining.eu/listening-skills-10-areas-to-improve/ @brenda – was there an ALF download ??
And if you are keen to make more deposits then why not use a regular catch up meeting or a chat over lunch to learn from them more about what is actually important to them, what would increase their trust in you and your relationship , and what you could do more/less of.

More about our leadership and management training solutions

If you are interested in learning more about how we integrate emotional intelligence into our leadership and management training solutions, please contact us.

Why managers should care about their emotional bank accounts

31. Juli 2019/in Leadership, Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

In our Practical Toolbox for managers training program, we often hear that the time spent on giving feedback is one of the highlights, and implementing DESC frequently makes it onto the manager’s transfer plan. One of the key points they take away is that the success of your feedback/feedforward rests upon your broader relationship with your partner. Put simply, if you have invested in them as a human being then feedback conversations are far more likely to go well. To look at it from the other side, if you haven’t invested in somebody, if you haven’t built trust, and if you haven’t built a meaningful professional relationship with them … well don’t be surprised when thing go pear-shaped. If you are managing others, you need your emotional bank account with your staff to be healthy.

What is an “emotional bank account”?

The term “emotional bank account” appears in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In Covey’s own words:

“An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”.

Covey made the term popular, but the concept behind the “emotional bank account” is not new. When we take more than we give from a relationship over the long-term, then we shouldn’t be surprised if the relationship suffers. This holds true in all our relationships, from those with our partners, kids, friends, colleagues, clients, and suppliers.

The metaphor took off within the business training world because it is immediately understandable. You make deposits, save up money, and when you need that money later, you withdraw it. An emotional bank account is an account of trust instead of money. We all know how a bank account works … plus bank account sounds more business-like which helps a certain time of person accept the idea.

Every time a manager says something supportive, shows respect, invests in somebody as an individual, helps somebody with a difficult situation, makes time for them etc they make a deposit in that person’s emotional bank account. Over time, the effects of these deposits will help to transform that relationship. And conversely, every time they criticize, blame, defend, ignore, lie, intimidate, threaten, etc they make a withdrawal.

We are all human and there are times when we are making more withdrawals than deposits. Just like a bank, we can go in the red and then come out of it. The trick is to be in in the healthy green zone over the longer term.

Why should managers care about emotional bank accounts?

It is rare to hear managers dismissing the concept. Almost all managers we work with in our management and leadership solutions want positive, productive, rewarding, trust-based relationships with their staff and teams. Concepts such as authenticity, credibility and trust are valued by the vast majority of organizations, and books such as “Servant leadership in Action” and Goffee & Jones’“Why should anyone be led by you?” and have captured this.

A personal sense of self-worth and respect is important, but meaningful and strong relationships in the workplace also lead directly to tangible results. As a manager, your success is largely is dependent on your staff. Leaders who build strong and meaningful relationships within and beyond their organization give their business a competitive advantage. Emotional bank accounts are not just about the “soft stuff”. They are about delivering results through performance.

Healthy emotional bank accounts play a role in practically all of a manager’s day-to-day tasks. When a manager tasks, delegates, motivates, influences, leads meetings, communicates, reviews, resolves conflicts, gives feedback, navigates difficult discussions etc., the relationships impact the success. All of these are moments where a manager can deposit or withdraw, and each of them has a range of potential for success or failure.

To summarize: If a manager cares about their emotional bank accounts they are more likely to succeed in the short, medium and long-term. If a manager doesn’t take care of relationships and withdraws more than they deposit, then they can’t expect to see a highly motivated team delivering outstanding results.

Check your emotional bank accounts – a practical activity for managers

Write down the names of 3+ people that are important to your team’s success. Ideally try and identify a range e.g. team member, manager in another department, customer, supplier etc …
Then ask them if they have time for a meeting to reflect on your working relationship. Make sure they understand that this is truly the reason, that nothing is wrong per se, that there isn’t a second goal to the conversation.
Start the meeting by reiterating that you would like to strengthen the relationship. Ask them to share things that you have done/not done which will/can/would build trust.
Listen and ask exploratory questions to understand. Do not reframe what they say into what you wish they had said. Do not defend. Just listen.
Thank them and let things settle.
Finally, identify specifics and patterns amongst the people you’ve spoken too, and identify next steps.

More about emotional bank accounts

In our next blog post we’ll go deeper into the behaviours related to “how you build emotional bank accounts” and share another practical exercise.

Wenn Bullen aneinandergeraten – warum Senior Manager Einfluss nehmen sollten, anstatt Macht auszuüben.

31. Januar 2019/in Soft Skills, Trainingsmethodik/von James Culver

Im vergangenen Jahr haben wir an 3 Führungsprojekten mit Werksleitern in ganz Europa und den USA gearbeitet. In diesen Projekten wurden talentierte operative Führungskräfte am Rande der Beförderung auf eine strategischere Ebene gecoacht. Für viele dieser Manager ist dies ein überraschend schwieriger Sprung. Sie sind nun nicht mehr der einzige „Go-to“-Entscheidungsträger für ihre Teams. Jetzt müssen sie den Input ihrer Vorgesetzten und Kollegen bekommen, um ihre Arbeit zu erledigen. …. sie müssen andere beeinflussen.Fragen anstatt sagen: der richtige Ansatz beim Beeinflussen

Für Manager mit einem bestimmenden Führungsstil stellt dieser Übergang eine besondere Herausforderung dar, da sie von einem „sagenden“ zu einem „fragendem“ Ansatz übergehen müssen, um andere zu beeinflussen. Diejenigen, die es gewohnt sind, anderen zu sagen, was sie tun sollen, sind in der Regel mit schnellen Entscheidungen und Sofortmaßnahmen vertraut. Bislang haben sie sich auf ihre „Macht“ verlassen…. und waren in ihrer Karriere bisher relativ erfolgreich! Ihre Macht stammt von/aus:

Organisationsbefugnis („Ich bin der Betriebsleiter“)
Expertenstatus („Ich habe 15 Jahre Erfahrung in diesem Bereich“)
Informationskraft („Ich war von Anfang an dabei“)
Ausstrahlung („Ich weiß, dass du mir folgen wirst“)

Tatsächlich ist ein Manager oft so sehr an die Ausübung von Macht gewöhnt, dass er den Unterschied zwischen Macht und Beeinflussung nicht kennt. Ein Teil unserer Rolle im Training besteht darin, Ihnen zu helfen, die greifbaren Unterschiede zwischen „Ich möchte, dass du X machst und du tust es. Was du darüber denkst, ist zweitrangig.“ (Macht) und „Ich weiß, dass du tun wirst, was getan werden muss, weil du es tun willst und glaubst, dass es das Richtige ist.“ (Beeinflussen).

Wenn Bullen aneinander geraten und warum die Beeinflussung durch Macht aufhört, effektiv zu sein.

Stellen Sie sich zwei Stierbullen vor, die aneinander geraten und ihre Hörner wetzen. So ist es auch, wenn zwei Führungskräfte mit bestimmenden Stilen versuchen, den gleichen operativen Raum zu teilen – es können Probleme auftreten. Während Trainings und Coachings haben wir folgende Ausdrücke öfters gehört: „Er hört mir nicht zu“, „Sie untergräbt meine Expertise“ und „Es ist sein Weg oder kein Weg“. Nachdem wir tiefer gebohrt und nachgefragt haben, wie sie versucht haben, andere zu beeinflussen, stellten wir oft fest, dass sie sich nur auf einen bestimmenden oder einen überzeugenden Stil der Beeinflussung (push styles) verlassen – im Gegensatz zu einem kollaborativen oder visionären Stil (pull styles).

Warum verschiedene Beeinflussungsstile wichtig sind

Im Rahmen unseres Training „Beeinflussen und Überzeugen“ arbeiten wir mit Kunden zusammen, um ihnen zu helfen, verschiedene „Beeinfluss-Stile“ zu verstehen und anzuwenden. Kein Stil ist besser oder schlechter als ein anderer – jeder hat seine Stärken und Schwächen, und jeder findet seinen Platz. Wie Dale Carnegie jedoch so visuell in How to win friends and influence people beschreibt, ein Stil für jede Situation zu verwenden, ist wie „mit Erdbeeren zu fischen“…. mit anderen Worten ineffektiv und letztlich sinnlos. Da Manager sich auf eine strategischere Rolle zubewegen und in Zusammenarbeit mit anderen Führungskräften Ergebnisse liefern müssen, müssen sie verschiedene Überzeugungs-Stile entwickeln. Sie müssen manchmal „fragen“ und nicht nur „sagen“ – pull not push. Sie müssen davon loslassen Dinge durch ihre „Macht“ allein erledigen zu wollen. Also, was soll man tun?

Hören Sie auf zu „sagen“, fangen Sie an zu „fragen“ – 5 praktische Schritte, um andere Führungskräfte zu beeinflussen

Wie Marshall Goldsmith sagte: „Was dich hierher gebracht hat, wird dich nicht dorthin bringen“. Sich nur auf Macht zu verlassen, wird nicht das Engagement liefern, das für den individuellen und organisatorischen Erfolg erforderlich ist. Führungskräfte müssen das Beeinflussen und Überzeugen auf Ihrem Weg nach oben beherrschen.

Zu erkennen, dass der Stil und die Methoden, die Sie gewohnt sind, nicht funktionieren, ist ein erster großer Schritt. Diese Erkenntnis kann sich unangenehm anfühlen und manchmal länger auf sich warten lassen!
Die Bereitschaft, etwas anderes auszuprobieren, ist der zweite Schritt. Ein einfacher Tipp ist es, immer mehr als eine gute Option zu präsentieren. Wenn Sie versuchen, jemanden zu beeinflussen, der ebenfalls ein bestimmender Typ ist, denken Sie daran, dass er (wie Sie) es nicht schätzt, mit nur einer Option eingekesselt zu werden. Eine einzige Option fühlt sich wie ein Befehl an. Wenn Sie sich selbst sagen hören „Wir müssen…“ oder „Unsere einzige wirkliche Option ist…„, bedeutet das, dass Sie sich wahrscheinlich immer noch auf Ihre Macht verlassen.
Versetzen Sie sich in die Lage des Anderen und versuchen Sie herauszufinden, was für Ihr Gegenüber wichtig ist, und beziehen Sie es in Ihre Überlegungen ein. Lassen Sie die andere Person wissen, dass Sie versuchen, deren Bezugsrahmen zu verwenden. Wenn Sie deren Interessen nicht kennen und nicht wissen, was sie schätzen, ist es wichtig, es herauszufinden. Lassen Sie ihr Gegenüber wissen, dass dessen Erfolg auch für Sie von Bedeutung ist.
Finden Sie heraus, was Sie kontrollieren, beeinflussen und akzeptieren können. Erweitern Sie Ihren Einfluss, indem Sie mehr Überzeugungs-Methoden entwickeln.
Und dann überlegen Sie, was Sie sagen und wie Sie es sagen.

Wenn Sie mehr darüber erfahren möchten, wie wir erfolgreich Präsenztrainings und Trainings in virtuellen Vortragsformaten in ganz Europa und darüber hinaus durchgeführt haben, dann zögern Sie nicht, uns zu kontaktieren.

3 Fragen, die Sie stellen sollten, wenn Sie sich in einer Konfliktsituation befinden.

6. September 2018/in Soft Skills/von Guest Author

Es ist Montagmorgen 11 Uhr und du bist auf halbem Weg durch dein wöchentliches Team-Meeting…. und du bist gefangen. Zwei deiner wichtigsten Teamleiter haben gerade begonnen, sich über die gleichen alten Probleme zu streiten. Immer und immer wieder. Du wirst gereizt! Was machst du jetzt? Was sind deine persönlichen Konflikteskalations- oder De-eskalationsmuster? Explodierst du? z.B. „Könnt ihr beide verdammt nochmal endlich die Klappe halten!!!!!!!!!„. Das ist eine, wenn auch nicht sehr konstruktive Art, damit umzugehen. Würdest du Friedensstifter spielen, z.B. „Wir sind alle im selben Boot und sollten uns gegenseitig unterstützen, oder nicht?“ So attraktiv es auch klingt, dieser Ansatz wird den Konflikt tatsächlich eskalieren, indem er versucht, ihn zu verbergen. Oder schiebst du es einfach weg, z.B. „Kümmert Euch draußen darum, nachdem wir fertig sind, ich werde das hier drin nicht tolerieren„. Das ist auch keine „Lösung“, denn sie wird zurückkommen und dich wie einen Bumerang treffen… wahrscheinlich in deinen Rücken. Du bist Teil des Konflikts, ob es dir gefällt oder nicht, und das bedeutet, dass du Teil der Lösung sein musst. Hier sind 3 grundlegende Fragen, die du dir stellen musst…

Was ist eigentlich genau in diesem Moment los?

Wenn du dich in einer Konfliktsituation befindest, ist es wichtig, dich zu fragen, was tatsächlich passiert? Was ist das „Phänomen“? Die Suche nach dem Phänomen ist enorm wichtig und nicht immer leicht zu finden. Was genau passiert in diesem Moment?

Hat es mit mir zu tun, mit meinen Handlungen?
Hat das etwas mit den Haushaltsberatungen zu tun, die wir führen?
Hat es etwas mit alter Vendetta oder einem Machtkampf zwischen den beiden zu tun?

Das bringt uns zur zweiten Frage…

Wie fühlst du dich in diesem Moment?

Diese Frage klingt einfach genug, kann aber unerwartet schwer zu beantworten sein, wenn wir uns im Konflikt selbst befinden. Arbeite daran, die Emotionen der Oberfläche zu überwinden und gehe tiefer. Wie fühlst du dich WIRKLICH über das, was passiert? Die Beantwortung dieser 2 Fragen allein erhöht die Chancen, Teil der Lösung zu sein, erheblich. Sie werden dir helfen, den Konflikt konstruktiv zu lösen (die Situation zu de-eskalieren), indem sie dich zwingen, den reflektierenden Teil deines Gehirns (den präfrontalen Kortex) zu benutzen.

So sehr mein Ego auch gerne sagen würde, dass der reflektierende Gehirnteil immer dominant ist, ER IST ES NICHT. Für niemanden von uns. Es ist der neueste Teil des Gehirns, und der am wenigsten dominante. Normalerweise gibt es einen „Highway“ von Verbindungen zwischen den drei Gehirnteilen/Schichten, aber in dem Moment, in dem wir uns im Konflikt befinden, verengt sich dieser „Highway“ auf eine Einbahnspur, was unsere Konfliktbearbeitungsfähigkeiten ernsthaft beeinträchtigt.

Um nun auf unsere Situation zurückzukommen, die Besprechungssituation mit den Teamleitern: Du stehst jetzt da, und hast den primitiven Teil des Gehirns beruhigt und darüber reflektiert. Es ist an der Zeit, die dritte Frage zu stellen.

Was willst du tun?

Nehmen wir an, du weißt, dass es eigentlich darum geht, dass ein Teamleiter durch einen Mangel an Ressourcen frustriert ist. Er ist enttäuscht von der Situation (und nicht wütend, auch wenn es so aussehen mag). Denke daran, dass seine Wahrnehmung für ihn WIRKLICH ist. Er glaubt, dass die andere Abteilung über alle Ressourcen und die gesamte Anerkennung verfügt. Er hat eine Geschichte in seinem Kopf konstruiert und ist nun in Emotionen gefangen, die nicht unbedingt mit der Situation zusammenhängen.

OK, also was willst du dagegen tun? Das ist die dritte Frage. Die dritte Option. Eine Möglichkeit, zu entscheiden, was zu tun ist, wäre, sich auf die „Wahl der Konfliktstrategie“ zu konzentrieren (problem-solving, forcing, avoiding, accommodation). Eine andere könnte die Frage sein, welche „Verhandlungsstrategie“ du verwenden wirst?

Die 3 Fragen helfen dir und deinem Gehirn, sein volles Potenzial auszuschöpfen

Durch die Lösung der ersten beiden Fragen wird die Wahl für die dritte Frage, die rationalere sein, egal was du tun willst. Was auch immer du tust, denk daran, dass, wenn du diese beiden Individuen erreichen willst, mit welcher Botschaft auch immer, du den Teilen ihres Gehirns helfen musst, wieder zu kommunizieren (ihren „Highway“ wieder zu öffnen). Du musst in kurzen Sätzen sprechen und ihnen helfen zu sehen, was tatsächlich vor sich geht (F1) und wie sie sich im Moment wirklich fühlen (F2). Wie auch immer du dich der Lösung des Konflikts näherst, du kannst jetzt klarer sehen und aktiv entscheiden, hast den Konflikt schnell analysiert und die Kontrolle über deinen Geist bewahrt.

Vielleicht siehst du jetzt einen Bedarf für die laufende Diskussion. Vielleicht ist es mit der Unternehmensstrategie verbunden und dieser Konflikt daher wertvoll. Du könntest dich dafür entscheiden, dem Mitarbeiter die Anerkennung zu geben, nach der er sich sehnt („Ich bin mir bewusst, dass deine Abteilung sehr unter Druck stand. Ich bin mir auch bewusst, dass dies nichts mit der anderen Abteilung zu tun hat. Lass‘ uns eine separate Besprechung abhalten und darüber reden“).

AUFRICHTIG angegangen, hast du das Problem für den Moment gelöst. Du musst, wie versprochen, darauf zurückkommen und es ansprechen, aber zumindest können dich die Manager jetzt hören und an dem bevorstehenden Meeting teilnehmen.

Für weitere Informationen

Target Training bietet seit 15 Jahren eine Reihe von konfliktbezogenen Trainingslösungen an. Dazu gehören „Umgang mit kritischen Konfliktsituationen“ und „Konfliktmanagement in virtuellen Teams„. Wir bieten auch Einzel- und Teamcoaching-Lösungen an.

Über den Autor

Preben ist ein professioneller Mediator und Konfliktmanager. Sein Schwerpunkt liegt auf menschlichen Interaktionen, wie Management und Führung, interkulturelle Beziehungen und zwischenmenschliche Kommunikation. Bis vor kurzem war er ein willkommener Teil von Target Training und arbeitet heute für eine große europäische Institution. In seinem Privatleben liebt er Karate, Wandern und Klettern.

Konflikte lösen – die 3 Fragen in die Praxis umsetzen

6. September 2018/in Soft Skills/von Guest Author

Konflikt ist ein unvermeidlicher Teil jeder Beziehung. In einem kürzlich veröffentlichten Beitrag habe ich 3 Fragen geteilt, die man sich in einer Konfliktsituation stellen sollte. Ich weiß, dass das Leben nicht so linear ist wie ein Blogbeitrag und „3 Fragen“ allzu einfach erscheinen können. Also, möchte ich Ihnen anhand eines persönlichen Beispiels in diesem Beitrag mitteilen, wie die Fragen in der realen Welt aussehen.

Der Hintergrund & die Situation

Ich arbeite als Konfliktmediator für eine große EU-Institution und wurde kürzlich gebeten, in ein afrikanisches Land zu reisen. Ich wurde gebeten, zwischen einer Regierungsstelle auf der einen Seite und einer großen Gruppe von Einzelpersonen aus einer sehr armen Gemeinschaft auf der anderen Seite zu vermitteln. Ich war den ganzen Weg aus Luxemburg gereist und als ich ankam, habe ich ein Treffen mit allen Einzelpersonen dieser lokalen Gemeinschaft vereinbart. Ich wollte herausfinden, was vor sich ging, worum es bei dem Konflikt ging und viel mehr über die Geschichte hinter diesem Konflikt, die Interessen der Menschen usw. erfahren. Mit anderen Worten, ich wollte das F1 herausfinden. Was war eigentlich genau in diesem Moment los?

Es war Dienstagmorgen, ich war weit gereist und ziemlich müde. Ich war es nicht gerade gewohnt, in einem solchen Gebiet zu leben oder gar zu sein – Slums wäre das Wort, das viele Menschen aus dem Westen benutzen würden – Polizei- und Armeekontrollpunkte mit Maschinengewehren, die in meine Richtung zeigen, in einem heißen Taxi sitzen und Bestechungsgelder aushändigen. Zusammen machten mich all diese Dinge nervös. Ich war definitiv auf unbekanntem Terrain und etwas angespannt…. und es war NIEMAND beim Meeting. Nun gut, es waren zwei Leute da, aber ich hatte hundert plus erwartet! Meine Gedanken waren: „Kommt schon, Ihr wart diejenigen, die diesen GROSSEN Konflikt von mir und meiner Organisation gelöst haben wolltet. Ihr sagtet, Ihr wünscht Euch eine Lösung, also sind wir gekommen, und jetzt seid Ihr nicht einmal hier! Wenn diese Lethargie typisch für diese Gemeinschaft ist, konnte ich ja kaum überrascht sein von dem destruktiven Verhalten der lokalen Behörden!“

Ich fing an, mich zu ärgern, wütend zu werden, und ich konnte spüren, wie der Frust wuchs. Also atmete ich bewusst tief durch, versuchte, meinen Kopf frei zu bekommen und stellte mir zwei Fragen – F1 Was war los? und F2 Wie fühlte ich mich?

Sich selbst zu verstehen ist die Grundlage für die Lösung von Konflikten

Das erste, was mir in den Sinn kam, war: „Wenn ich nach Europa zurückkehre und wir überhaupt keine Fortschritte gemacht haben, um zu versuchen, diesen Konflikt zu lösen, wird mein Ruf und möglicherweise meine Karriere in Gefahr sein.“ Mit anderen Worten, ich erlebte Angst. Die zweite Sache, die mir durch den Kopf ging, ist: „Ich bin ziemlich wütend. Ich habe Zeit damit verbracht, hierher zu kommen, und Ihr seid nicht einmal hier! Was für ein Respekt oder Mangel an Respekt ist das?“

Ich dachte, dass ich die erste und zweite Frage beantwortet hatte, wusste aber, dass etwas fehlte. Was habe ich wirklich davon gehalten? Nun, in diesem Moment hatte ich Angst um meine persönliche Karriere UND ich dachte, ich wäre wütend, weil ich das Gefühl hatte, dass die Einheimischen mich und meine Bemühungen nicht respektierten. Ich stellte mir die Frage noch einmal und versuchte, genauer in mich hinein zuhören. Wütend war, wie ich mich verhielt, aber als ich die Dinge mehr durchdachte, wurde mir klar, dass die eigentliche Emotion für mich in dieser Situation eher wie eine Enttäuschung war. Ich wollte helfen und hatte mehr erwartet.

ABER, haben mir die obigen Überlegungen und Emotionen wirklich ein Bild davon vermittelt, worum es in diesem kleinen „Meeting-Konflikt“ ging? Nein, hat es nicht!

Die Bedeutung von Kultur in Konflikten

Ich schaute mir noch einmal an, was vor sich ging…. Eine Sitzung wurde einberufen. Die Leute kamen zu spät, aber andererseits ist es Afrika! Sie liefen nach „afrikanischer Zeit“ und ich nach „europäischer Zeit“. Es war also weder persönlich noch ein Zeichen oder eine Ablehnung der Mediation. Wir kamen nur aus zwei verschiedenen Kulturen, mit unterschiedlichen Erwartungen an Zeit und Pünktlichkeit. Was das Risiko meiner Karriere betrifft: Nun, das ist ein systemisches Risiko. Es ist immer da, aber hat nichts mit dem vorliegenden Pünktlichkeitskonflikt zu tun. Ich hatte 2 von 100 Leuten für ein Meeting da. Das war ein Konflikt, denn zwei von 100 waren nicht in der Lage, mir ein brauchbares und vollständiges Bild des Konflikts zu vermitteln, noch konnten sie als Vertreter der lokalen Gemeinschaft angesehen werden, die für die Wirksamkeit der Mediation erforderlich war. Dieser Konflikt war jedoch keineswegs mit einem systemischen Risiko zu Hause verbunden. Was das mögliche Verhalten der lokalen Behörden betrifft, so stand das auch nicht im Zusammenhang mit dem Konflikt, der gerade jetzt stattfindet. Das war die Norm.

Mein Gehirn begann wieder zu funktionieren …

Managen Sie Ihre 3 Gehirne, damit sie zusammenarbeiten

Einfach ausgedrückt, ist unser Gehirn in drei Teile geteilt, den Neokortex (der reflektierende und analytische Teil und auch der neueste Teil), das Limbische System (der emotionale Teil, der durch unsere Emotionen erfahren wird) und den Hirnstamm (manchmal auch der Reptilienteil genannt, der den Kampf- oder Fluchtinstinkt steuert). Indem ich mich zwinge, mir die beiden Fragen zu stellen und sie mir erneut zu stellen (Was geht eigentlich vor sich, genau in diesem Moment?, und wie fühlst du dich in diesem Moment?), hatte ich mich selbst „de-eskaliert“. Ich hatte meinem sich abmühenden Gehirn geholfen, als Ganzes zu arbeiten und nicht in den unteren Gehirnteilen stecken zu bleiben. Ich konnte mich beruhigen, damit ich mich effektiv in das Meeting einbringen konnte… als es endlich begann.

Übrigens sind die Leute tatsächlich aufgetaucht. Nach eineinhalb Stunden!

Nun stellte sich noch die letzte Frage… Wie sollte ich den Konflikt lösen?

Für weitere Informationen

Über den Autor

The power of putting yourself in their shoes when influencing people

17. Januar 2018/in Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

When we run seminars on influencing skills we typically start off by exploring a couple of fundamental questions – one of them being how do people feel about the idea of influencing others and being influenced? Over the years we’ve had a surprising range of responses including “If I’m the manager why must I influence -people should just do what I say” to “influencing is manipulating” to “I’m open to new ideas and approaches – but our colleagues in the order management department aren’t!”. As a trainer these are always great places to start – opinions are on the table and we can openly discuss them. When we dig deeper these opinions often link into personal experiences of how people have influenced (or not). So how do people influence each other?

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The two influencing styles – pushing and pulling

Broadly speaking there are two approaches to influencing people – to push and to pull. When we “push” we are directive. We know what we want to see happen, where we want to go, what needs to be different etc. And when we “pull” we are looking for a joint agreement, for collaboration, discussion, commitment. There are different pushing styles and pulling styles, plus strategies, tactics and skills to learn BUT neither approach is inherently wrong. Influencing and manipulating draw on the same skills but with different intents. They both have pros and cons– and neither approach work without considering other key factors too.

Factors to consider when seeking to influence somebody

When we try to influence somebody it helps to take a step back and reflect on what we know. What is the environment, the situation, the relationship and most importantly – what do you know about who you are trying to influence? How successful you’ll be always depends upon what you know about the other person. Examples of practical questions to ask yourself when trying to influence somebody include:

how do they see things?
what is their context?
how they communicate?
how do they like to be communicated with?
how do they take in information and make decisions?
what are their experiences – with me, with change, with the theme I’m talking about
what turns then on? What turns them off??
what do they want to happen, not want to happen and why?
what are their hopes and fears?
Who else has an influence upon them? and does this influence help or hinder?
What is in it for them? their colleagues? Their organization?

First seek to understand the other person – a transcultural truth

The more you understand the person you are seeking to influence the more effectively you can influence them. As dale Carnegie said in How to win friends and influence people “I love strawberries. But whenever I go fishing I bait my hook with worms. This is because fish like worms – not strawberries.”

In English we have expression like put yourself in their shoes, put yourself in their place, see the world through their eyes and walk a mile in their shoes. And of course the idea of putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes is transcultural! Germans say eine Meile in seinen Schuhen gehen, Italians mettersi nei miei panni, French se mettre à la place de quelqu’un … All cultures- whether it be Europe, the Americas, Africa or Asia and the Pacific have similar expressions.

Put simply, if you want to influence somebody then seek to understand where they are and who they are. Start by understanding their situation, use your emotional and social intelligence and then adapt.

And if, like me, you’ve got the song “Walk a mile in my shoes” going around in your head now .. here it is.

Linking and building to successfully influence others

22. Juni 2017/in Hybrid solutions, Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

In today’s business world of cross-functional initiatives, matrix structures and virtual teams, the ability to influence others is becoming even more essential if you want to succeed. And no matter what your influencing style is, to effectively influence somebody you need to connect with them. If you’re trying to influence somebody it means that you have differing opinions and ideas. One of the simplest ways to influence somebody is by „linking and building“: Find and focus on the agreement … and then build on this. Most people are open to sharing and discussing their opinions and ideas – and most of us are aware that our ideas are not the only ones valid. What we want is to be taken seriously and feel listened to. This is where “linking” comes in – if you link your ideas to their ideas it clearly shows you have listened to and understood their thoughts and feelings. And when you build on somebody’s ideas it means you are validating their contributions. This builds rapport and relationships WHICH then makes the process of influencing so much easier...

5 things to keep in mind

1. Is the link already there?

Do you just need to draw their attention to it? Or will you need to build the link step by step? If so you need to find some common ground – this could be a shared goal, a previous experience or perhaps the two of you are seeing the same current challenges? Open questions like “Where do you think we need to go?” or “What are your thoughts?” work well here …

2. When you find your “link”, be explicit about what you like / share about their views, opinion, drives etc.

For example. “It’s clear to me that we both want to make sure any changes we make don’t cost people more time” or “What I really like about your approach is that you’re considering the end-user first. I feel the same way”

3. Focus on positives and use positive language.

Most people are very rarely completely wrong, just as you are very rarely completely right. Understanding this means that it is always possible to approach something by looking for the “right” ideas e.g. “What I like about your suggestion is …” thereby creating a positive spiral and rapport – as opposed to focusing on what you don’t like e.g. “ I can’t imagine this working” thereby creating a downwards negative spiral (source – George Prince – The Practice of Creativity).

4. There are going to be differences.

If there weren’t you wouldn’t be trying to influence each other! But make an effort to delay focusing on differences until some bridges have been built. When you turn to them, link back to the shared elements you’ve found and be explicit about your reasons. “It seems that we agree on the causes of the problem and we have different ideas about what needs doing. Why do you think this is?” Don’t assume the everything is obvious!

5. As you progress do continually clarify.

Use language like “So what you’re saying is …” and “Let me just check I’m understanding you … “. This shows your understanding of their views, ideas and thoughts AND actually ensures you do actually understand. Build your bridge on concrete foundations.

Linking and building is just one of many practical techniques from our influencing seminars that can help you successfully influence others. And it starts with getting all parties to face in the same direction. Please contact if you’d like to know more.

Präsentations-Fazit: Das Abschluss-Signal

10. Mai 2017/in Business Englisch, Soft Skills/von Guest Author

Eine gutes Präsentations-Fazit ist ein sehr wichtiger Teil jeder Präsentation, obwohl es oftmals nicht die notwendige Aufmerksamkeit erhält. Viele Leute konzentrieren sich darauf, einen soliden Start mit guter Einleitung hinzulegen und schlagkräftige Inhalte zu präsentieren. Dagegen gibt es nichts einzuwenden, solange man die Präsentation mit der gleichen Stärke abschließt, mit der sie begonnen wurde. Häufig habe ich aber Präsentationen erlebt, die misslich abgeschlossen wurden und deshalb einen schlechten Beigeschmack beim Publikum hinterlassen. Ein guter Präsentationsabschluss wird eine wirkungsvolle Zusammenfassung, Empfehlung oder einen Handlungsaufruf beinhalten und dem Publikum die Gelegenheit geben, noch offen gebliebene Punkte durch Fragen anzusprechen. Der Teil eines Präsentations-Fazits, der häufig vergessen wird, ist ein klares und deutliches Abschluss-Signal. Dieses Abschluss-Signal ist eine Formulierung, welches dem Publikum in einem Satz mitteilt, dass Sie mit dem Fazit der Präsentation beginnen. Es sollte unmittelbar vor der Zusammenfassung ausgesprochen werden und vom Publikum als deutliches Signal erkannt werden.

Drei Gründe, warum ein Präsentations-Fazit ein Abschluss-Signal enthalten sollte

Wecken Sie das Publikum. Oft verliert das Publikum den Fokus und die Konzentration gegen Ende einer Präsentation und geht eigenen Gedanken nach. Ein Abschluss-Signal zeigt dem Publikum, dass Ihre Präsentation gleich zu Ende ist und es an der Zeit ist, seine Aufmerksamkeit wieder der Präsentation zu widmen.
Den eigenen Fokus zurücksetzen. Wie wir alle wissen, kann man sich bisweilen so sehr in ein Thema vertiefen, dass man die Bedürfnisse und Erwartungen des Publikums aus dem Auge verliert. Das Abschluss-Signal weckt daher nicht nur das Publikum auf, sondern auch den Vortragenden und ermöglicht es ihm, ein starkes Präsentations-Fazit abzuliefern.
Verdeutlichen Sie die Struktur. Präsentationen benötigen klare Strukturen, damit das Publikum den Kernaussagen folgen kann. Wenn Sie effektive Überleitungen formulieren – wie das Abschluss-Signal – so schaffen Sie strukturelle Übersichtlichkeit und helfen dem Publikum, mit der Aufmerksamkeit bei Ihnen zu bleiben.

Drei Formulierungen, welche als Abschluss-Signal für das Präsentations-Fazit dienen können

„Das bringt mich nun zum Ende meiner Präsentation. Um meine Hauptpunkte zusammenzufassen, …“
„Nun, das ist alles, was ich für heute habe. Lassen Sie mich jetzt kurz zusammenfassen, worüber ich gesprochen habe ….“
„Ich bin jetzt ans Ende meiner Präsentation gelangt. Zusammenfassend sprach ich …“

Drei Auswirkungen durch die Anwendung eines Abschluss-Signals für das Präsentations-Fazit

Übermitteln Sie die Hauptaussagen ein letztes Mal. Am Ende einer guten Präsentation werden Sie Ihre Hauptaussagen in der Einleitung, dem Hauptteil und abschließend in der Zusammenfassung angesprochen haben. Ein gutes Abschluss-Signal fokussiert die Aufmerksamkeit des Publikums ein letztes Mal, so daß Sie die Kernaussagen erneut benennen sollten und die daraus abgeleiteten Handlungsempfehlungen aussprechen. Die meisten Menschen neigen dazu, sich besser an die Inhalte zu erinnern, welche am Ende einer Präsentation gesagt wurden als in der Einleitung oder im Hauptteil.
Stellen Sie sich selbst auf ein starkes Ende ein. Die klare Aussage, daß Sie nun mit dem Fazit der Präsentation beginnen, wird Ihnen dabei behilflich sein, sich zu konzentrieren und die richtigen Schritte durchzugehen. Bei Ihrem Publikum wird das einen positiven Eindruck der Präsentation hinterlassen.
Seien Sie ein besserer Redner. Es gibt so viele Menschen, die schlecht strukturierte Präsentationen vortragen und deren Präsentations-Fazit enttäuscht. Eine klare Struktur lässt Sie professioneller aussehen und hilft Ihnen das zu erreichen, was Sie mit Ihrer Präsentation bewirken wollen.

Ein starkes Präsentations-Fazit hinterlässt bei Ihrer Zielgruppe eine fokussierte, positive Sicht auf Ihre Botschaft und ein gutes Abschluss-Signal ist entscheidend dafür, dass dies gelingt. Teilen Sie uns Ihre Ideen dazu im unten stehenden Kommentarfeld mit! Möchten Sie mehr über wirkungsvolles Präsentieren erfahren? Klicken Sie hier.

MEHR

What is active listening, how do I develop it and should I be making little noises?

22. März 2017/1 Kommentar/in Soft Skills/von James Culver

Listening skills are an integral part of many of our training solutions, e.g. Influencing, Managing Conflict and Facilitating meetings all include practical components on listening skills. However, we had a rare request from a pharmaceutical client seeking training focusing solely on active listening for their senior managers. The new board member strongly believed that improving her manager’s listening skills would have a major impact on the quality of relationships and the effectiveness of her team. And she was right … the seminar started and almost immediately, one manager asked me, “Active listening – that’s just when you make little noises, right?”

What is active listening?

Our tactful answer was “not quite”. Active listening (as the name suggests) is when you actively and fully concentrate on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words. Communication theory breaks what is being said into two elements – the content and the context. Content is the what – the data, the facts, the information etc. Context refers to everything else that is going on when somebody speaks with you – the relationship, the background, the situation, the emotions etc. Active listening involves paying close attention to the content being shared AND the contextual components between the listener (the receiver) and the speaker (the sender). Skilled active listeners can hear the what PLUS interest, emotion, concern, energy and other contextual factors from the speaker’s perspective. And they can hear what isn’t being said.

Why invest energy and effort in building your active listening skills?

The benefits of active listening are many. To start with you’ll hear more … much more. You can enrich your understanding through gathering information and understanding the emotions. You will ask better questions through noticing the speaker’s possible intent, and not only their words. It helps you avoid or diffuse conflicts. Better listening means that solutions and discussion are stronger. Active listening is a building block for open, trusting and accountable relationships.

7 practical tips for active listening

Pay attention

I mean REALLY pay attention to what is being said. Put aside distracting thoughts, try to block out environmental factors (side conversations, people watching etc) and listen holistically.

Know your obstacles to listening

Everyone is guilty of having “inner conversations” when listening – and whether it be judging, dreaming, solving or rehearsing what you want to say these common obstacles get in the way of active listening. Check out this blog post for more information or download the .pdf version here.

Develop countermeasures for your obstacles

Self talk to interrupt your distraction and refocus and internal paraphrasing can help. Basically, this sounds like you telling yourself “Stop it and focus on them not you”

Listen for context

Approach a meeting with listening tasks such as learning the interests of others in the room and listening for the valued being created in the conversation.

Dialogue approach

Listen with a mind to understand what is being said and not judge what is being said.

Listen with your eyes

Listen to what they are saying, how they are saying it, “listen” to their body language and “listen” to their eyes.

Provide feedback

It is incredibly difficult not to filter, assume or judge when we listen. As an active listener your role is just to listen. Reflecting, restating and asking questions are essential – just make sure you are doing this to check you are understanding the content and context and not to discuss, negotiate, argue, influence, correct etc.

So should I be making little noises when I actively listen, or not ?

Of course we also send messages when we listen IF we listen actively and affectively. In western cultures we expect some feedback from our listeners that indicates interest, from non-verbal messages such as nodding, smiles, eye contact and posture to small verbal comments like “uh huh” or “ “I see”. Do keep in mind thought that not every culture listens in the same way – and likewise not every individual listens in the same way. A lack of “ums” and “aahs” doesn’t always mean somebody is not listening.

To wrap up

Active listening helps you to create an environment that supports deeper, more honest and authentic communication. Whether you are managing people, negotiating, discussing, influencing, problem solving, why wouldn’t you invest the energy and effort in becoming a better listener?

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Book review: How to win friends and influence people

11. August 2016/2 Kommentare/in Hybrid solutions, Soft Skills/von Guest Author

I’m sure a number of you have either heard of, or read, Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It has been in circulation since 1936 and there is good reason for that. I know a lot of people say “Ah, that’s too American rah! rah! for me.” or “That is a bunch of self-help nonsense and should only be read by depressed salespeople!” The fact is that the book is rather “human”. A lot of what is said applies to basic, human interaction and feelings that we all experience each day. That is the main reason this book has been around for so long as it relates to those both inside and outside of the business world. Sure, there are some points made that are a bit of a stretch, and some that aren’t universally applicable, but once you sift through those there are a lot of great ideas from which business people can benefit.

Some interesting points from the book

There are many other great points in the book that relate to daily business situations. Here are just a few. (In this „Secret to Success“ download, there’s a full overview of Dale Carnegie’s 30 principles from “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and the principles from „How to Stop Worrying and Start Living“.)

Talk in terms of other people’s interests

People love to talk about themselves. Ask a few questions to get people talking about what they like, attentively listen, and then you will be surprised at how much they like you. Do a little research on what the other person you are trying to influence likes and show some genuine interest before diving into the business issue.

Don’t criticize

It is easy to immediately tell someone they are wrong when they make a mistake. This may lead to resentment or possibly hatred towards you. Next time, take a minute to try to understand where they are coming from and why they see things the way they do. Don’t point out your colleagues mistakes each time, but ask some questions and allow the person to come to the conclusion that it could be a bit better on their own.

Say a person’s name

Everyone likes to hear their name. Take time to learn people’s names and remember them no matter how “unimportant” they may seem to your immediate needs. By knowing people’s names and saying hello in your client’s office, it could help you close the big deal as you would be surprised how valuable the opinions of others in a company are.

Smile

I know, you don’t want to walk around smiling all the time because you will feel fake and uncomfortable. But try it a few more times a day when you normally wouldn’t and see how others respond. You may be surprised.

Begin in a friendly way

Many times we start a discussion, call, or email with the issue we are trying to solve. Take some time and make some small talk or say something complimentary before conducting business. It will take people off the defensive and make it easier to have difficult conversations. Next time you want to file a complaint or negotiate a lower price, reiterate the positives you have experienced with that company before asking for something. Many people will be happy to help someone they perceive as being friendly and not aggressive.

Admit if you are wrong quickly

This is hard to do at times, but it goes a long way in getting the other person to see where you are coming from and then softening their stance when it comes to a disagreement. If you know your boss is angry about a mistake you made, don’t try to come up with excuses but instead come right out and admit the fault and what you should have done. They will respect you for it and most likely be less hard on you.

5 simple assertiveness strategies (for teddy bears and tortoises)

27. April 2016/2 Kommentare/in Soft Skills/von Tony Norman

We all know the feeling. You come out of a meeting, negotiation or a conflict discussion with a difficult team member, and say to yourself, “If I had only said or done this.” Or “Was I too hard on my report?” For whatever reason, you aren’t asserting yourself and addressing the issue.

What do we mean by assertiveness?

Before going any further we ought to agree and be clear what “being assertive” is. We have all experienced managers, experts who have the ability to set people on the right course, give negative feedback without breaking the relationship, or make a tough point without being offensive or hurtful. They handle substance and people equally well …and that is true assertiveness. These people have good communication skills, are blessed with social and emotional intelligence and have reached the fourth level of „conscious competence“.

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Very quickly, here’s the fourth level, explained in more detail:

Level 4 – unconscious competence*

the skill becomes so practised that it enters the unconscious parts of the brain – it becomes ’second nature‘
common examples are driving, sports activities, typing, manual dexterity tasks, listening and communicating
it becomes possible for certain skills to be performed while doing something else, for example, knitting while reading a book
the person might now be able to teach others in the skill concerned, although after some time of being unconsciously competent the person might actually have difficulty in explaining exactly how they do it – the skill has become largely instinctual
this arguably gives rise to the need for long-standing unconscious competence to be checked periodically against new standards

*Taken from http://www.businessballs.com/consciouscompetencelearningmodel.htm

But this takes time, experience and maybe innate ability. So what about us mere mortals lower down the food chain who struggle with the substance/people balance?

Assertiveness starts with knowing our rights and responsibilities

In the world of learning and development we understand that being assertive is being aware we have rights and responsibilities. In other words, we have the right to assert our position, but (especially as a manager) we have the responsibility to be fair and to respect our reports and colleagues. This easier said than done. Furthermore it is often those who tend to play the teddy bear (accommodate), or the tortoise (avoid conflict) who need most support and coaching. People who tend to be pushy, or even aggressive (the sharks), normally feel quite good about themselves. So here are 5 strategies for teddy bears and tortoises.

5 communication strategies that work

Scripting

If you have a difficult discussion coming up, then write down your key arguments, how you can best convince the other party. Script how you address the issue, how you formulate what you want, how you word criticism and other sensitive issues. Unless you are very experienced, just relying on intuition and ’seeing where the moment will take you‘ can be costly.

SPIN

When you want something out of the ordinary from a team member or colleague, then script using the SPIN formula: Situation – Problem – Impact (of the problem on the business) – Need. In other words involve the report by briefly describing the context. Involve them and treat them as adults.

Saying no

As a manager you have the right to say no. If you want to say “No”, then say it but give a reason and maybe provide an alternative. If you want to say “Yes”, then say that too. We have all come across people who appear to say “No” on principle. This might be useful in a negotiation, but counterproductive when dealing with staff.

Broken Record

Sometimes your opposite number just refuses to take “no” for an answer. Provided you are 100% clear on your position, then it’s time to play broken record. Like the old-fashioned vinyl LPs with a deep scratch, you simply repeat yourself, NO plus reason, always using the same wording: e.g: “As I said I cannot give you a pay rise, as there is a freeze on salaries.”, then “I understand your position but as I said ……” and so on. Using this strategy takes courage and should be used sparingly and only with difficult people. Even the most obstinate will get your point after three rounds.

Buy Time

People are not stupid. If they want a favour or a concession, they will approach you when you are under pressure, with no time. This can mean you are unprepared and certainly unscripted. So if you are at all unsure about your response, then buy time: “Let me get back to you when I have finished this.” You will come to regret shooting from the hip and start kicking yourself, “Why on earth did I say that?”

Most of us cannot be assertive on command

Our behaviour is determined by our fight, flee or freeze instincts. Assertiveness is a conscious way of thinking and acting. These five simple strategies will help you develop your assertiveness. But, as with nearly everything, it takes practice.

Powerful Communication – The Power of the Purpose Pyramid

9. März 2016/in Hybrid solutions, Leadership, Soft Skills/von James Culver

The purpose pyramid is one of the simplest and yet effective communication models for introducing a presentation, opening a meeting or organizing your thoughts that there is. It is so simple, in fact, that no one seems to take credit for it though you will find it in the work of many communications gurus. The four questions in the pyramid aren’t special by themselves, but together they offer a powerful way to connect what you want to do with the goals and needs of your organization, no matter what business you are in or function you perform. Why? + What? + How? + Who? = Alignment. The Purpose Pyramid makes it easy for you to structure your communication – in any situation.

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Why?

Why is where you share or remind your team about the deeper meaning and purpose of the organization. This is the reason that energizes you and your colleagues as well as your customers. What’s your why? Your purpose is best when it brings the energy of your team together and they can all see themselves in it. It should also attract internal and external customers to your work.

A band plays music, by definition – but wouldn’t you rather see a band whose purpose is to give you high energy and a memorable musical experience?

At a more nuts and bolts level, you can also apply the why to day-to-day interactions and situations. An example could be to state the purpose (why) of a meeting on the agenda for everyone to see. If there is a question about being on track, the team can refer to the mutually agreed purpose of the team.

What?

What refers to the tasks you and your team need to get done to contribute to making your purpose a reality. At their best these tasks are things you can track and observe easily so all can know when it is accomplished. For example, to have better meetings is not a clear task. Having everyone contribute to the meeting is a clear task. The SMART principle is a great model to use, just remember they should in some way contribute to achieving your purpose.

An example could be to make task identification a two-step process. Instead of automatically identifying who should complete a task at the same time as identifying the task, outline just the tasks first. Going through the how before identifying who will help team members to know what they are committing to.

How?

How is where you turn to your method, approach or process, How will you get your tasks accomplished? For example, sticking with the “better meetings” example, if my task is to have everyone contribute to a meeting, I could tell the team members I expect them to contribute and hope for the best or I could use a polling technique in the meeting to give each attendee the space to speak uninterrupted.

If a task is complex, the “how” could be a process or procedure that helps to complete the task effectively and efficiently. If you have standard operating procedures in place, this is the time to stress their use.

An example could be to identify the resources and process necessary to complete a task before asking who will do it. Leaders get a chance to offer support to the team and may encourage team members to accept a stretch task because they know how they will be supported.

Who?

Who refers to the individual and collective commitments or expectations that match your team to the tasks at hand. In most meetings the who stage tells how well we’ve done the other stages. If team members recognize and connect with their purpose, the necessity of a task and the process and resources to get it done, it’s a lot easier to agree to do them. With the clarity you’ve built earlier, it is easier for you to ask for what you want while committing to do what is necessary to support your team. A great question at the end of a meeting is “what have we agreed to do?” to check agreements without sounding like a task master.

Browse our blog for more tips and tricks

And/or let me know of any other useful communication tools that always work for you. I look forward to hearing from you!

Giving and asking for recommendations

9. Juli 2014/4 Kommentare/in Business English/von Guest Author

Giving and asking for recommendations

Have you ever wanted to recommend a person, their services or even a good restaurant to someone else but didn’t know how to do it? Have you ever wanted someone to recommend you to others? Maybe you have a special skill that you’d like others to know about. You might have heard about a position, but need someone to recommend you in order to apply. Perhaps you just want to share some useful information with others and want them to know how much you liked it. All of these situations require us to give or ask for recommendations. Below you’ll find some examples of how to do this.
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Asking for recommendations:

Could you put in a good word for me?
Could you let others know about this experience?
Could you pass this on to others?
Would you mind sharing your experience?
Would you add me to your contact list?

Giving recommendations:

I highly recommend using this product / service.
This person is highly trained / very skilled / very professional.
We found the information presented very useful.
I only have positive things to say about this product / this person / this service.
I would be happy to give you their contact information.
Please mention my name when you contact them.

Here are some examples:

Employee / colleague asking for a reference:

I am writing to you since we have worked on many projects together. You always seem very pleased with my ideas and the way that I deal with problems that come up, so I would like to ask you to share this information with a potential new supervisor. As you know, I am applying for a position in the [name] department and I need a recommendation from someone who has worked with me. Would you put in a good word for me?

Response to the request:

You are right, I am very satisfied with the work that you have done in the past. I’d be happy to act as a reference for you since I think that the [name] department would also benefit from your skills. If they contact me, I’ll definitely pass your name on as a potential candidate.

Possible reference statement:

I would be happy to recommend [name] for the position you are trying to fill. [He / she] is very highly qualified and has always successfully dealt with the topics we have worked on together in the past. I only have positive things to say about [him/ her]. Please mention my name to them if you decide to shortlist them for an interview.

Try it and tell us about it

Now that you have some ideas about how to ask for and give recommendations, why not try it out by asking a colleague for feedback on a presentation or a project you have recently completed?

Maybe you can do someone a favour by recommending them to others. Or perhaps you want to let us know what you think of the information presented in our blog? Please feel free to use our comments box below.

Storytelling in Business – Why Not? Part 1

30. Oktober 2013/2 Kommentare/in Soft Skills/von James Culver

The power of storytelling in business

Storytelling is again a topic of interest in the business communications world. Conferences and speakers around the world are praising the power of storytelling and attracting audiences. My question is, why? Humans have told stories since our earliest beginnings. We all tell stories.

“Storytelling comes naturally to humans, but since we live in an unnatural world, we sometimes need a little help doing what we’d naturally do.” ― Dan Harmon

It was part of our survival and development. Stories are all around us, from campfires to multimillion dollar movies, so why do we have to make a case for it in a business environment?

Generally, I think the answer is fear. We are afraid to “lay an egg”, reveal too much of ourselves, show too much emotion or not be taken seriously at work. After all, work is the activity in which most of us invest most of our waking hours so there’s a lot at stake.

This two-part blog post covers five things we learned when preparing a seminar about storytelling in business. Our storytelling seminar gives participants the skills and determination to tell more stories and better stories in the workplace.

5 Lessons about storytelling in business: Lessons 1-3

What does your listener want?

Lesson 1

What attracts audiences to the telling of a story? It comes down to three things:

emotion
energy
authenticity

Telling bedtime stories to children is a practical example of the standards adults have for stories as well, though many may not say it. Children will demand expressions of the energy of the characters, the emotion of the plot and telling the story “like you mean it”. Adults need these things too to be engaged.

What makes a good story good?

Lesson 2

As Aristotle observed, a good story starts with a character in trouble. The character is one the audience can identify with–not too good to be in trouble and not too bad to deserve the trouble to come. The story progresses with the development and deepening of the trouble to create a sense of fear in the audience so the resolution of the problems leaves the audience with a sense of relief.
Aristotle referred to the stages as pity, fear, and catharsis. Stories from Greek tragedy to Toy Story follow this model in one way or another.
In the workplace we can tell stories about problems, consequences and solutions to reflect Aristotle’s model.

Crafting stories that fit

Lesson 3

The STAR Model is a basic and effective format for telling stories in a business environment. The model fits the needs of business audiences as it sets the scene, describes the action in it and talks about what happened to resolve the situation. This model is very effective in behavioral interviewing, answering questions about past performance and offering a status update.

Situation – clearly explain the facts and assumptions that make up the context of the action.

Task – detail the task to be completed or the goal to be reached.

Actions taken – describe all relevant actions taken to complete the task.

Results achieved – describe the immediate outputs and eventual outcomes of the actions taken.

Make sure to check our site for part 2 next Wednesday. See how Target Training provides skill development seminars about Storytelling and many other communication skills to increase your effectiveness in the workplace.

Let us know if you have any comments on the first three lessons below.

Giving feedback using the DESC model

16. Oktober 2013/1 Kommentar/in Leadership, Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

Giving feedback effectively will have a real impact on your business

Everybody understands that performance feedback should be constructive, focused and to the point. Effective feedback can resolve conflicts, overcome problems and improve individual and team morale. It doesn’t really need mentioning that ineffective feedback often accomplishes the opposite. Or that if you are skilled at giving effective feedback, your team will be more motivated, which leads to better performance.

While feedback should focus on behavior, performance feedback is still a personal conversation between people about people. Emotions always play a part in interpersonal communication. Effective feedback is as much about bringing the right message(s) across as it is about how your message is interpreted.

No matter how skilled the feedback giver is, if the receiver isn’t interested in hearing or taking the feedback, nothing will get through.http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2014/03/05/douglas-stone-the-importance-of-feedback-in-business-communications/

The more difficult the feedback, the more the giver needs to consider the the emotional impact of the feedback. Giving positive feedback is easy.
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DESC is simple and it works

In our skills-based Leadership training, we use the simple 4-step model DESC for structuring feedback. Participants in our “Practical Toolbox for Managers” seminars often highlight DESC as one of the most valuable tools they are taking away. This model is designed to help you to get your message clear and it can even take the stress out of the feedback conversation for those of us that weren’t born with effective feedback-giving skills.

DESCRIPTION

Give an objective and concrete description of what you have observed using „I“ statements.

EFFECT

Explain the effect or impact it had on your business, the team or its members. If the effect was an emotion, name it. Your body language and tone of voice will already be showing your elation or frustration – putting them out in the open can help you move things forward.

SOLUTION

Build the solution through a directive (“What I would like you to do next time is …”) or a participative approach (“What do you think we can do to avoid this next time?”).

CONCLUSION

Build a “contract of commitment”. Check your understanding of what has been agreed, and get commitment for the future.

Further Leadership resources:

Someone Late for Meetings?: 3 Questions to Ask

9. Oktober 2013/2 Kommentare/in Soft Skills/von Guest Author

When someone is always late

Effective meetings can be tough to manage when everyone is on time. What about when someone is always late for meetings? Everyone in an organization knows that lateness can be a problem, but the topic of what to do if someone is consistently late for meetings is rarely discussed. Here, the key word is consistently. Everyone can be late at one time or another, but it’s when someone is predictably, consistently late that problems begin to pile up. Before we get to the questions you should ask your chronically late colleague, let’s take a look at the questions you shouldn’t ask.

3 questions you shouldn’t ask your colleague who is always late for meetings

Is your watch broken?
Did you forget how to tell time?
Where the hell were you?

Time management strategies don’t include learning how to tell time or buying a better watch. Experts in the field agree that if someone is consistently late for meetings, it’s their attitude that’s to blame. Changing time habits in relation to meetings means changing the colleague’s mindset, incentivizing being on time and not punishing colleagues for being on time. Yes, you read that right. Very often, meetings are postponed to wait for late colleagues, effectively punishing those who come on time.

3 questions you should ask your colleague who is always late for meetings

1. Do you think you have a clearly-defined role in this meeting?

A clear role means having a specifically-defined function in the meeting. Some examples of roles: moderator, organizer, minute-taker, timekeeper and participant. Participant is the generic name for anyone at a meeting, but a participant has responsibilities at the meeting as well and should be held accountable for fulfilling them. Examples of the responsibilities of a meeting participant are: being active in brainstorming sessions, contributing to discussions and helping create the agenda for future meetings.

2. You’re going to keep the minutes for the next meeting, right?

Keeping and distributing the meeting minutes isn’t exactly the most glamorous or enjoyable task. One way of encouraging participants to come on time might be to give them a small penalty (for example, maybe they have to keep and distribute the minutes for the next meeting, make a small donation to a charity or supply coffee for everyone at the next meeting). Naturally, the penalties should be light-hearted, but the cause should be taken seriously.

3. Do you have any feedback about the quality of this meeting?

Being on time is important, but lateness can sometimes be a symptom of dissatisfaction with the meeting itself. If your colleague lacks a clear role, feels that their voice isn’t heard in the meeting or finds the meeting pointless, it can lead to carelessness regarding the ground rules your meeting participants agreed on (one of which should definitely be: we start and end on time).

3 benefits of considering these points when someone is consistently late for meetings

You ensure all colleagues have a clearly-defined role in the meeting.
You ensure that chronically late arrivals are punished for their tardiness, not the other way around.
You accept responsibility for the quality of your meeting and give the participants a chance to give feedback. An anonymous feedback form made available on the company intranet might be one way of allowing colleagues to give constructive feedback in a comfortable manner.

As we can see, being late for meetings can be an indication that someone has a broken watch, but it can also be a reflection on the quality of your meeting in general. Taking a moment to reflect on the underlying reasons behind a behavior can be a chance to make sure your meeting is running as efficiently as possible.

Presentation Techniques: Speaking in Threes

2. Oktober 2013/1 Kommentar/in Soft Skills/von Scott Levey

Presentation techniques: tripling

There are hundreds of presentation techniques, and some are more common than others. One example is that people find it easy to remember things in threes, and building on this tendency (known as tripling) is one of the simple presentation techniques that work in all presentations. You’ve probably already seen or heard people doing it…

„Veni, Vidi, Vici” – Julius Caesar
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen …” –William Shakespeare
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people” – Abraham Lincoln

Of course you don’t need to be a great public speaker to make this work for you in your business presentations.

3 simple tips on presentation techniques for speaking in threes

1. Use three items that fit together to make an impact

Come back to the same item each time, hammering home the point:

We can retain customers by reducing our reaction time.
We can retain customers by offering round the clock support.
And we can retain customers by delivering spare parts within 48 hours.

Three items that act in sequence to reach a desired goal. e.g. “If we reduce our reaction time, offer round the clock support, and commit to delivering spare parts within 48 hours we will retain more customers.”
Three key themes that together cover a wide area. e.g. “We need to retain customers, we need to expand into the BRIC countries and we need to acquire smaller local competitors.”

2. Use rhetorical questions

Ask a rhetorical question e.g. “So what is our new customer support strategy?”
Offer a simple, even minimalistic, response e.g. “It’s called One Service.”
Then drive this home with three related words or phrases to grab attention, encapsulate or summarize. e.g. “One Service will form networks, it will promote best-practice sharing and most importantly it will make us even more effective.”

3. Use your voice to leave a lasting impression

You can connect the three items by rising or reducing the pitch of your voice for each one.
Going up with your voice increases emotion, going down brings a sense of finality and certainty.
You may also want to put your most important point last – and then pause before it to make an additional impact.

Give it a go. Using presentation techniques such as speaking in threes will make your key messages simple. It will also make them clear and, above all, it will make them memorable. Let us know what you think in the comments area below. Also, click here to see how Target Training’s seminar can help even the great presenters get better.