Schlagwortarchiv für: managing conflict

Building trust in working relationships

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Here are some of the questions we were recently asked by a virtual team in a global consulting company.

  • How can I convince someone to trust me?
  • Is trust purely subjective?
  • Can trust be measured?

The client wanted training that would focus on building trust because they realised how crucial it is in virtual relationships. But they had challenges deciding what trust looked like on a daily basis, and how to demonstrate it to others. We decided to help them break down trust into easier-to-understand elements by introducing them to the Trust Equation (TE). In this post you will read how we did that and how the team addressed specific challenges they faced.

What is the Trust Equation?

The Trust Equation (David Maister, Charles Green & Robert Galford, 2004, The Trusted Advisor) breaks down trust (T) into an equation of 4 elements:

  • C = Credibility – to what extent do people believe what we say?
  • R = Reliability – how much to people believe we will do what we say we will do?
  • I = Intimacy – how safe do other people feel sharing personal things with us?
  • S = Self-Orientation – do people believe we care about them, or are we more focused on our own objectives?

You can see from the equation below that trust requires high scores in the first three elements (C, R, I) but a low score in the final one (S). In other words, the TE tells us that high self-orientation undermines the other elements that are essential for trust.

Why use it?

Trusted Advisor offers a free Trust Quotient Assessment which we highly recommend because the results include feedback on which elements are strengths and weaknesses for you. For the team we worked with, being able to break down trust into specific and easy-to-understand elements was a great first step to identifying how to demonstrate behaviours that can build it.

What do behaviours for building trust look like?

The TE is a measure of how other people perceive your trustworthiness. So, what can you do to increase those perceptions? Here are some suggestions for developing the different elements of the TE that we brainstormed with the team we worked with.

Credibility

  • use stories, metaphors and your body language to help others relate to what you are saying
  • demonstrate the skills and abilities you have rather than just talk about them
  • be comfortable saying ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’ when necessary

Reliability

  • be consistent in what you do, and ensure that people get what they expect from you
  • keep your word, so that what you promise is enough for people to trust you
  • if you aren’t able to meet a commitment you are open and honest about it

Intimacy

  • help people to confide in you by being discreet and empathetic
  • do not be afraid to risk opening up about your failings and mistakes
  • be interested in the people you work with and actively build relationships with them

Self-Orientation

  • achieve your goals through helping others achieve theirs
  • show others that you have their best interests in mind when you make decisions
  • show curiosity for other people’s concerns and priorities

How can we address common trust challenges?

After identifying behaviours that can build trust, we were now ready to address some specific trust challenges the team was facing. Here are 4 of those challenges, with brainstormed suggestions for how to address them.

  1. I am working in a virtual team with people I have never met before. How do I quickly establish my credibility in the team?

“It’s not who you are on the inside, it’s what you do that counts”. Proving your abilities by showing people what you can do is a quick way to establish credibility. Developing intimacy with your new team will also help, especially in a virtual environment. So make an effort to get to know your new team members as individuals.

  1. My colleagues think I am reliable but on occasions I can’t meet deadlines because things come up beyond my control. What can I do about this?

Don’t be afraid to say ‘I can’t do this after all’ if you have a good reason. It may seem counter-intuitive if we are talking about reliability, but reliability is not about being perfect; it’s about showing you care about the accountabilities you have. Being open and honest can also let others see your vulnerability, which is a good foundation for building intimacy too.

  1. I’m a German working with an Asian team. I have tried to build personal relationships by making small talk, but they seem reluctant to share personal things about themselves.

Intimacy is done differently in different cultures. While some cultures prioritise people and relationships in business it doesn’t mean that they feel comfortable talking about personal things. Perhaps a good idea here is for you to lead the way by sharing things about yourself and your life in your home country, encouraging other team members to follow your lead. This could at least get the ball rolling…

  1. In the Trust Quotient Assessment I scored quite high on Self-Orientation. What can I do about this?

Try listening more than talking, ask a lot of questions and summarise what you hear. When someone tells you something, avoid responding with a judgement or advice. Instead use three little magic words; “Tell me more”.

We hope you enjoyed reading this post. If you would like to know more about our experience of developing trust in teams, we trust you’ll contact us.

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Train the Trainer: Dealing with ‚difficult‘ participants – part 1

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At Target Training we’ve been delivering “train-the-trainer” solutions for over 20 years to a broad range of clients across industries. Without fail, one of the most common personal training goals we see is “I want to learn to deal with difficult participants”.  No matter whether you are delivering on-boarding, technical, safety  or skills training, training starts and ends with your participants. As a trainer you want to deliver training which is engaging and useful … and as all experienced trainers know, a single difficult participant can impact this.  This blog post shares our advice and experience, so you are better prepared to deal with difficult participants in the training room.
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What do we mean by a “difficult participant” and how common are they really?

Training is about adding value to your participants and organization, by developing their knowledge, skills and behaviours.  You want your participants to have a rewarding learning experience – and you have designed your training to achieve this.  You’ve identified and considered the learning goals, you’ve considered the flow so it is smooth and ties together, and you’ve designed varied activities to keep the training engaging and rewarding. A “difficult participant, is a participant who hinders or prevents the above – intentionally or not. Difficult participants diminish the impact of the training for the other participants and reduce your organizations return on investment.

All participants have the potential of being difficult, and this depends upon a variety of factors – ranging from the context of the training to the training design, and from personalities to an individual’s situational circumstances.  We all have bad days. However, truly destructive participants are thankfully rare. I’ve been involved in delivering training for over 23 years, and looking back I can only think of a handful of „difficult“ individuals.  Unfortunately, I remember them clearer than the rest. So, what can you do? Before the training starts, you can minimize the risk of participants becoming difficult before the training even starts, through some simple steps.

Know who the participants are

If you are delivering internally, then get a list of the participants in advance and make the time to speak with their line managers.  By doing this you can learn more about the “perceived” context for the training, and the participants knowledge, experience, needs and attitudes. If somebody is cynical, silent or a talker, then the line manager may flag this. Alternatively, just ask straight out “Are there any participants I should keep an eye on?”.  You can also encourage the manager to speak with her participants and reinforce that they value training and have expectations.  Line manager involvement is key to successful training (Clemmer 2008) and ensures your organization makes the most of its training investment.

If you have a chance to meet the participants before the session, you should take it. Give them an impression of who you are. Build rapport before they enter the training room. Introduce yourself, find out what they expect from the training and set their expectations („yes, unfortunately, there will be some role-plays“), or just make small talk for a few minutes. For you, the trainer, it makes a huge difference to walk into a room with ten strangers (not knowing what they want), or to walk into a room with five strangers and five people you already know (whose expectations you’ve already set).

Design the training so it respects and engages everyone

Use what you’ve learned from speaking with the line managers to ensure your training content is appropriate, relevant and challenging. By doing this you can minimize the likelihood of a wide range of difficult or disruptive behaviours – from boredom to frustration to challenging. You also want to ensure that your training respects the range of personalities and learning styles. Give your participants the opportunity to reflect, consider and contribute both as individuals and in groups.  Plan “loud” and “quiet” times so both extroverts and introverts get what they need– not everyone enjoys brainstorming and discussions. Do consider the flow of energy within the training day and consciously design your training around this e.g. after lunch will you energize the group, or give them some reflection time to look back on the morning?

Anticipate tough questions, difficult learning points and likely areas of resistance

If this is a new training solution, then take the time to play “what if”.  Write down all the questions that you hope they will ask, know they will ask, don’t want them to ask, and dread they ask. Then think about your answers. Practice your responses out loud and ensure your answers are brief, to the point and authentic. As the trainer you have a lot of knowledge and experience – and synthesizing all this into a clear and brief response can be tough.

If you’ve delivered the training before than you’ve already spotted the areas which raise questions or provoke discussions.  Again, step back and consider what you want to say, how you want to say, and how much time you want to invest in which topics.

If there’s an elephant in your training room, then know how you want to tackle it

Keep your training human and keep it real. The circumstances surrounding the training can and will influence behaviours. If the organization is going through change, restructuring, laying off staff, or merging then you can expect this to impact attitudes and behaviours. You probably cannot influence these circumstances, but you can acknowledge them and prepare for possible resistance, push back or disassociation.

I remember delivering a 2-day leadership program to an automotive company where everyone knew that at the end of day 1 a major announcement would be made on the future of some plants.  The training content was fixed and “motivating and driving performance “was a major part of the first day. We spoke about the circumstances openly, acknowledged that the topic was awkwardly timed to say the least, and agreed to reframe the training as practical management skills for the future, wherever they may be. Keeping the pace fast, the energy high and the themes as “archetypical” helped the training make a personal impact.

Reframe how you see difficult participants

Embrace the challenge of difficult participants. At its heart, training is about people, and we learn more about working with people from difficult situations than from “everything going to plan”.  You want participants to be engaged and challenging you is actually a good thing.  You want your participants to let you know if something isn’t going right for them during the training and not afterwards. And you want your participants to be themselves.  I’ve only ever met one participant who I couldn’t work with at any level whatsoever, and even this was a learning moment – I learned that was ok, to accept the situation, and to focus on the other participants who clearly wanted to be there.

Always open the training in a way that sets out mutual expectations

Creating and agreeing on ground rules and shared expectations is essential. This then gives you and others the framework to hold each other accountable and have difficult conversations with difficult participants about difficult situations. Experienced trainers do this naturally and each trainer has their own style, but the core you need to agree on is

  • Timing (start, finish, breaks and length of breaks). Even the most experienced trainers can forget this, and participants want and need to know what to expect. You don’t need to lock yourself in to a schedule if you don’t want to but telling them you’ll break for lunch “around 12.30” helps.
  • Laptops open, closed, or even in bags. Phones are the bane of a trainer’s life, and when one person takes a call during the training everyone is impacted. Possible approaches could be
    • at the front on a desk
    • must be on silent
    • in bags and only check in breaks
    • take calls but leave the room before start speaking

Effective approaches to managing the pull of phone calls that I’ve seen/heard/ done have included:

  • make a joke of it e.g. “Is anybody expecting a child to be born they know about? No, well in that case do we really need our phones on?”
  • be direct e.g “Put your mobiles on silent and in your bags (not your pockets). You can check them during breaks, and if something is truly urgent your colleagues know where you are and how to find you.  And if they can’t be bothered to come to the training room it can’t be truly urgent!”
  • charity box “Everything you take your phone out you put X in the bowl up front”
  • choosing a venue with no phone reception

And if none of the above are acceptable, then at least get agreement that people respectfully leave the training room when on the phone.

  • Communication. If the training topic is likely to be contentious or difficult then it is worth taking time to agree on expected communication styles. e.g. try not to interrupt, ask question to learn and not to show what you know, ask if something isn’t clear, close the loop by asking clarifying questions back etc.

Agreeing on ground rules allows you as the trainer to refer back to the agreed expectations and have awkward conversations safely. And of course, all of the above approaches are much more powerful when the training participants build them themselves!  This allows the participants to hold each other accountable and take responsibility for ensuring the dynamics are healthy.  You can expect that colleagues can self-regulate behaviours to some extent!

Start the training by keeping it real and keeping things human

The final tip is that positioning yourself above your participants will create unnecessary resistance and provoke difficult behaviours as participants try to prove something wrong, reject messages because they reject your credibility, or fight to show they know more. You are the trainer and you are human. Use this to build authenticity, credibility and trust from the outset and reduce the risk of difficult behaviours derailing the training. Share your experience, build your credibility and also show that you know how it can be challenging at first to get to grips with the specifics (“ I remember when ..”).

If you are delivering soft skills, customer service or leadership training, then avoid presenting yourself as the example to be followed. Tap into meaningful stories, share experiences and connect with the participants on a human level. My own approach is to open our Practical toolbox for managers program with “ I strongly believe in the value of everything we’ll be covering in the next 2 days, and many of your colleagues have fed back that they found it practical. Saying that, as a manager, I do not do everything we’ll be covering myself. I’m human and I have my strengths and my weaknesses”.  I then see the participant’ physically relax and open up.

 

Balancing your emotional bank accounts – practical activities for managers and leaders

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In our previous blog we explained what an emotional bank account is and why managers need to care about building them . To quickly recap, an emotional bank account is a metaphor coined by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship, and when trust is high, communication is easy and effective. Every time a manager says something supportive, shows respect, helps somebody with a difficult situation, etc., they make a deposit in that person’s emotional bank account.  Every time they criticize, blame, lie, intimidate, etc., they make a withdrawal.  Over time, the effects of these deposits will help transform that relationship. This post goes deeper into how to build your emotional bank accounts.

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How do you build a healthy emotional bank account with your team?

Every manager and team are different, and culture can play a part, but at the end of the day it comes back to our relationships and how we behave. Covey identified six ways to make deposits (or reduce withdrawals):

1) Understand the individual

You need to know what the individual wants and what constitutes a deposit and withdrawal for them.  Whereas one employee might be exhilarated by presenting their project results to the board another may prefer to be in the background and their contribution acknowledged privately.  Ask yourself what drives them? How do they want recognition? What makes their eyes light up?

2) Keeping commitments

We have all broken a promise and let somebody down, and when we do this, we are making a withdrawal.  Keeping commitments is about doing what we say we’ll do, keeping our promises, delivering what we said we’d deliver, being on time, being where we should be, fulfilling our promises. If you consistently keep your commitments, you build healthy emotional bank accounts with people.

3) Clarifying expectations

Each of us have different backgrounds, experiences and expectations. We see the world differently.  Clarifying understanding and expectations is essential if you’d like to minimize misunderstanding and wrong assumptions. By proactively investing time in clarifying expectations and building a  mutual understanding of what you need, don’t need, want, don’t want etc you can minimize the “ I thought that..”, “I’d assumed ..”, “To me it was obvious that …”.  And keep in mind that if you are leading people and teams virtually, then the risk of false assumptions and misunderstanding does increase, and formalizing things with communication charters does help.

4) Attending to the little things

Relationships aren’t only built by big moments but by the little things too. These are the smiles in the corridor, holding the door open, short thank you emails, remembering their daughter has just started school, not heading straight to your office but spending a moment walking through the open office to be seen. Kind words, smiles, courtesies, warmth. Human interest, and taking time when you don’t have to.

5) Showing personal integrity

Relationships are built on trust and integrity. What does integrity mean? The word “integrity” comes from the Latin integritatem, meaning “soundness” or “wholeness.”  Integrity is not situational –  it is a state of mind.  In Covey’s words…

 

 

“ Integrity is conforming reality to our words … keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.”

 

 

What does this look like in practice? Here are 7 musts to start with…
  1. Do the right thing for the right reasons and because it’s the right thing to do – even if it is going to be unpopular with some people.
  2. Face the truth and talk about it. This is the reality principle of “seeing the world as it really is, and not as you wish it is”.
  3. Be upfront in your communication. People want to know where they stand and what is going on. People won’t always like what they hear but they will value the adult-adult relationship.
  4. Know you are sometimes wrong and that you sometimes make mistakes – and admit this.
  5. Take responsibility for what you do and don’t do.
  6. Put the needs of others before your own.
  7. Be loyal to those not present – confront gossiping, complaining and bad mouthing about people who aren’t in the room.

6) Apologizing when we make a withdrawal

we are all human, and we all make mistakes and get things wrong. Know when you’ve made a mistake, admit it and apologize with sincerity. Admitting you’ve made a mistake doesn’t necessarily mean it is acceptable but it’s a start, and can be healing to a relationship.  Avoid the temptation of wanting to discuss why you made it before you discuss and show understanding of the impact it had on others.  And understand that if you are continually making the same type of withdrawal, trust will erode. It’s the smaller things that kill relationships in the long run. Finally, don’t try and lighten withdrawals with banter, humour or a “shit sandwich”– this is rarely appreciated.

To add to the list above , tolerance and forgiveness are also powerful deposits, as is appreciative inquiry and holding back judgment and sweeping statements.

A 10-minute practical activity for managers

  1. Write down the names of 5 team members that are important to your team’s success.
  2. Now look back at your calendar over the last 2 weeks and use this, plus your memory, to find evidence of deposits and withdrawals.  A meeting went poorly and they left frustrated – that’s a withdrawal. They bent your ear and you listened and gave them your attention – a deposit. Build a simple balance sheet (name at the top, left column is deposits, right column is withdrawals.
  3. Now put the paper down / close the document and go and do something.
  4. A few hours later (or even the next day) come back and for each of the 5 team members write down what you believe motivates and drives them?  What gives them energy and what takes it? How do they like to communicate? And what do they see as recognition?
  5. Almost there … now
    1. Look at your evidence of deposit and withdrawals (step 2) and ask yourself hwo you feel about the balance
    2. Look at the types of deposits and withdrawals and ask yourself does this tie in with what they need? Not everyone will see public recognition as a deposit And not everyone will see direct feedback and getting straight to it as a withdrawal. Deposits and withdrawals are personal.
  6. And now the final step. Ask yourself what can you do in the coming month differently?  If possible, plan them into your calendar by finding tangible moments e.g.. You can’t enter “Tuesday 14:00-14:30 listen” but you can set up a meeting to discuss a project and make a conscious effort to listen first.  https://www.targettraining.eu/listening-skills-10-areas-to-improve/ @brenda – was there an ALF download ??
  7. And if you are keen to make more deposits then why not use a regular catch up meeting or a chat over lunch to learn from them more about what is actually important to them, what would increase their trust in you and your relationship , and what you could do more/less of.

More about our leadership and management training solutions

If you are interested in learning more about how we integrate emotional intelligence into our leadership and management training solutions, please contact us.

Why managers should care about their emotional bank accounts

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In our Practical Toolbox for managers training program, we often hear that the time spent on giving feedback is one of the highlights, and implementing DESC frequently makes it onto the manager’s transfer plan. One of the key points they take away is that the success of your feedback/feedforward rests upon your broader relationship with your partner. Put simply, if you have invested in them as a human being then feedback conversations are far more likely to go well.  To look at it from the other side, if you haven’t invested in somebody, if you haven’t built trust, and if you haven’t built a meaningful professional relationship with them … well don’t be surprised when thing go pear-shaped.  If you are managing others, you need your emotional bank account with your staff to be healthy.
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What is an “emotional bank account”?

The term “emotional bank account” appears in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In Covey’s own words:

“An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship.  It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.  When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”.

Covey made the term popular, but the concept behind the “emotional bank account” is not new.  When we take more than we give from a relationship over the long-term, then we shouldn’t be surprised if the relationship suffers.  This holds true in all our relationships, from those with our partners, kids, friends, colleagues, clients, and suppliers.

The metaphor took off within the business training world because it is immediately understandable. You make deposits, save up money, and when you need that money later, you withdraw it. An emotional bank account is an account of trust instead of money. We all know how a bank account works … plus bank account sounds more business-like which helps a certain time of person accept the idea.

Every time a manager says something supportive, shows respect, invests in somebody as an individual, helps somebody with a difficult situation, makes time for them etc they make a deposit in that person’s emotional bank account.  Over time, the effects of these deposits will help to transform that relationship. And conversely, every time they criticize, blame, defend, ignore, lie, intimidate, threaten, etc they make a withdrawal.

We are all human and there are times when we are making more withdrawals than deposits.  Just like a bank, we can go in the red and then come out of it. The trick is to be in in the healthy green zone over the longer term.

Why should managers care about emotional bank accounts?

It is rare to hear managers dismissing the concept.  Almost all managers we work with in our management and leadership solutions want positive, productive, rewarding, trust-based relationships with their staff and teams. Concepts such as authenticity, credibility and trust are valued by the vast majority of organizations, and books such as “Servant leadership in Action”  and Goffee & Jones’“Why should anyone be led by you?”  and have captured this.

A personal sense of self-worth and respect is important, but meaningful and strong relationships in the workplace also lead directly to tangible results.  As a manager, your success is largely is dependent on your staff. Leaders who build strong and meaningful relationships within and beyond their organization give their business a competitive advantage. Emotional bank accounts are not just about the “soft stuff”. They are about delivering results through performance.

Healthy emotional bank accounts play a role in practically all of a manager’s day-to-day tasks.  When a manager tasks, delegates, motivates, influences, leads meetings, communicates, reviews, resolves conflicts, gives feedback, navigates difficult discussions etc., the relationships impact the success. All of these are moments where a manager can deposit or withdraw, and each of them has a range of potential for success or failure.

To summarize: If a manager cares about their emotional bank accounts they are more likely to succeed in the short, medium and long-term. If a manager doesn’t take care of relationships and withdraws more than they deposit, then they can’t expect to see a highly motivated team delivering outstanding results.

Check your emotional bank accounts – a practical activity for managers

  1. Write down the names of 3+ people that are important to your team’s success. Ideally try and identify a range e.g. team member, manager in another department, customer, supplier etc …
  2. Then ask them if they have time for a meeting to reflect on your working relationship. Make sure they understand that this is truly the reason, that nothing is wrong per se, that there isn’t a second goal to the conversation.
  3. Start the meeting by reiterating that you would like to strengthen the relationship. Ask them to share things that you have done/not done which will/can/would build trust.
  4. Listen and ask exploratory questions to understand. Do not reframe what they say into what you wish they had said. Do not defend. Just listen.
  5. Thank them and let things settle.
  6. Finally, identify specifics and patterns amongst the people you’ve spoken too, and identify next steps.

More about emotional bank accounts

In our next blog post we’ll go deeper into the behaviours related to  “how you build emotional bank accounts” and share another practical exercise.

Die vier Reiter: Verachtung und Einmauern am Arbeitsplatz

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Healthy and respectful working relationships are a must if you want an effective and enjoyable workplace.  In the first post of this series, I introduced John Gottmann’s work on the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In the second post, we looked at what you can do to tackle the toxic behaviours of criticizing & blaming and defensiveness. This blog post will dive deeper into the last 2 toxic behaviours – and possibly the most damaging of the 4: stonewalling & contempt. We’ll explore why they happen, their impact and how both parties can change things for the better.  We’ll end with what a manger can do when they see these behaviours within their teams.

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Contempt

Contempt is when somebody makes it clear that they feel somebody has no value and deserves no respect. As it has been built brick-by-brick over time, it is tough to dismantle, and is probably the most destructive behaviour amongst Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”.

Contempt can manifest itself as ongoing sarcasm, cynicism, insults and aggressive, belittling or mocking humour. It can be seen in small gestures (eye-rolling when a colleague starts talking in a meeting, snorting at the mention of a project, a smirk or a single “hah” when a  colleagues name is mentioned) to full on mocking and cruel statements e.g. “Wow, you’ve done better than I ever expected – even by your standards that’s truly great work Susanne. You must be exhausted after having made so many mistakes”.

When somebody shows contempt, they are actually communicating that they see themselves as better and worth more.

Why do we do show contempt?

Feelings of contempt are typically built up over time – negative experiences create their own story and, too often, nobody has tackled the situation effectively. This can leave a person feeling frustrated and angry and looking to establish some sort of “superiority”.  Contempt can also come from a sense of moral superiority based on class, cultural or religious differences. Peers can feed into it or enable it.

What happens when we show contempt?

Contempt destroys teams and relationships. It prevents trust and respect and makes it hard for any real human warmth. It is tangibly damaging, causes stress and can harm people emotionally, mentally and ultimately physically.

So, what can the person showing contempt do differently?

Truth be told, if you are showing contempt for others there is a good chance you no longer care about turning things around. However, if you have a high level of self-awareness and realise that you have become somebody you don’t want to be then this is already a great step. Going forward you can focus on redefining your relationship with your colleague through …

  • seeing the other person as a human being with equal value.
  • seeking a positive trait in them and acknowledge it first to yourself and then to the other.
  • finding something they do that you value – then tell them.
  • communicating your needs with “I” statements and not “you” statements e.g. “I feel…”, “I want…”
  • actively looking to find opportunities to make deposits in their “emotional bank account”.

And what can the person receiving contempt do to limit the toxic impact and turn things around?

  • Look after yourself and work to stay balanced and neutral when interacting with this person. Shut out the unhelpful “whatever I do will be seen as wrong” self- talk. Reward yourself for not feeding into a situation.
  • People don’t always realize that they are being offensive… or how offensive they are being. Raise awareness of behaviours in a neutral / inquiring tone e.g. “What would you like to achieve by saying that?”, “Why are you rolling your eyes?”
  • Ask questions about the other’s intent – especially if they are not communicating in their first language. e.g. “Are you aware that, when I hear you say … I feel …?” “
  • Reflect how the contemptuous behaviour is impacting you e.g. “I feel belittled when you roll your eyes when I talk. Is this intended?”
  • Say how you feel about what is going on and show your desire to make things right, e.g. “Can we take a step back and slow things down?” “Insulting me isn’t helping us to move forward and find a solution”, “ What is the best way to tackle this issue for both of us?”
  • Indicate that you are willing to move beyond the present and press the reset button e.g. “I feel we are struggling. How about we try and start again from the beginning and build a new working relationship?”
  • And when things get too much, don’t be afraid to seek support within your organization. When you do this focus on you and your feelings… and not what they said/did.
  • And finally, know where your limits are and seek support from your manager or HR if you feel these are being crossed.

Stonewalling                     

When somebody feels they are frequently and undeservedly being blamed or treated with contempt, they may choose to withdraw into themselves and give one-word answers or even refuse to participate at all. Discussion, healthy questioning and positive conflict are key elements of any successful team.  Stonewalling stops this from happening, and feeds contempt, defensiveness and blaming.

Why do we do stonewall?

By refusing to cooperate, engage, react or communicate we look to protect ourselves and ride it out. Beneath this we may be seeking to control or establish hierarchy e.g. “I don’t need to listen to you”.

What happens when we do this?

The impact is that communication stops. The other person may become increasingly frustrated, angry and then despondent. Communication collapses and relationships quickly collapse too. Other colleagues get pulled in to the toxic situation as they become impacted, and everything gets slower and tougher … meaning ultimately performance and results suffer.

So, what can the “stonewaller” do differently?

If you recognize this behaviour in yourself and want to change you can…

  • focus on who you choose to be – who am I really? How do I want to behave?  How do I behave when I am at my best?
  • ask for space if you need it, and commit to resume once things have calmed down.
  • find a way to calm your emotions. Is there a third party you can express your feelings to? Alternatively, verbalize them out loud to yourself (or write them down if you prefer).
  • work out why you have reached this point. Why are you so angry and reluctant to contribute? Answering these questions may help you to understand your feelings better and enable you to continue.
  • avoid righteous indignation e.g. “ I don’t have to take this anymore” or seeing yourself as an innocent victim

And what can the “stonewalled” do to limit the toxic impact?

  • Ask yourself why are they stonewalling? What are you doing/have you done that is making the other person not feel safe in expressing themselves?
  • Focus on building safety. Agree a fixed time, neutral and private location, confidentiality and help them come back into the conversation with simple exploratory open questions.
  • Accept that a break might be needed and press the “pause” button while communicating that you are committed to continuing the conversation later.
  • Really listen to what the other person is saying.

What can a manager do when they see contempt and stonewalling within their team?

The hard truth is that as a manager you probably won’t be able to do as much as you might like to.  Whereas a skilled manager can actively help team members get past criticizing, blaming and being defensive, contempt and stonewalling are far more difficult to deal with. In fact, any blog would struggle to explore the variables and options.  Here are some questions to ask yourself…

  • What is the impact of the behaviour on the team and our results?
  • What can I accept? What can’t I accept? Where is my line in the sand?
  • Where is the contempt or stonewalling coming from? e.g. why this person? this situation? this environment?
  • How willing am I to reflect back what I am seeing? The impact it is having? And the impact it may have later?
  • Am I prepared and committed to consistently confront contemptuous or stonewalling behaviors over the long-term?
  • To what extent can I ring-fence a person without impacting the team or passing more work and responsibility on to others?
  • Am I choosing to do nothing? Or am I afraid to do something?
  • Who else can help me in this situation?
  • To what extent has HR been involved so far? What can they do?
  • Under what circumstances am I prepared to let this person go?

Whether you are just moving into a management position, managing a conflict in your virtual team, or just want to get the very best from your staff and the teams you manage, being aware of Gottmann’s work on the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse is incredibly useful and practical. At the end of the day, results are delivered through people and people are complex. None of us are always at our best and we can all struggle in relationships.  Awareness of the 4 Horsemen is a start, followed by self-reflection and support.  An effective manager is neither a counsellor nor a buddy – but they do need to manage people as individuals – and this means managing knowledge, skills, attitudes and behaviours.

Die vier Reiter: Kritik und Schuldzuweisung, sowie Abwehverhalten am Arbeitsplatz

/in /von

Gesunde Arbeitsbeziehungen sind ein Muss, wenn Sie einen effektiven, effizienten und angenehmen Arbeitsplatz wünschen. In unserem letzten Blogbeitrag stellte ich John Gottmanns Arbeit an den 4 Reitern der Apokalypse vor; Kritik & Schuldzuweisung, Verteidigung, Verachtung und Einmauern. Wir haben untersucht, warum die Bekämpfung dieser 4 toxischen Verhaltensweisen unerlässlich ist, wenn Sie die Leistung steigern und Ergebnisse erzielen wollen. Dieser Blogbeitrag wird tiefer in die ersten 2 toxischen Verhaltensweisen eintauchen. Wir werden uns mit Kritik und Schuldzuweisungen UND der damit verbundenen Abwehrbereitschaft befassen. Wir werden dann untersuchen, warum sie geschehen, welche Auswirkungen sie haben und wie beide Parteien die Dinge zum Besseren wenden können. Schließlich werden wir uns ansehen, was Sie als Manager tun können, wenn Sie auf dieses Verhalten zwischen den Teammitgliedern stoßen..

 

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Wie man Kritik und Schuldzuweisungen am Arbeitsplatz verwerten kann.

Wie jeder Manager weiß, wenn etwas ernsthaft schief geht, ist es wichtig sich zu fragen was passiert ist und zu diskutieren: „Wie kann man das beim nächsten Mal anders machen? Dies auf transparente, offene und konstruktive Weise zu tun, ist enorm wichtig.  Jim Collins untersucht in seinem exzellenten Bestseller Good to Great genau das: die „Autopsie ohne Schuldzuweisungen“. Damit „Autopsie ohne Schuldzuweisung“ funktioniert, brauchen Sie Menschen, die sich sicher fühlen – Sie müssen Kritik und Vorwürfe am Arbeitsplatz verwerten.

Zunächst einmal ist es wichtig, den Unterschied zwischen Beschwerde und Kritik zu verstehen. Eine Beschwerde bezieht sich auf eine bestimmte fehlgeschlagene Aktion. Eine Kritik beinhaltet ein negatives Urteil über die Persönlichkeit oder den Charakter des anderen. Schuldzuweisungen sind, wenn man auf die Verantwortung verzichtet und alle Fehler und Konsequenzen in die Schuhe einer anderen Person schiebt. Zum Beispiel…..

  • Beschwerde – „Thierry, wir liegen jetzt hinter dem Zeitplan mit der FAT zurück.  Ich bin in einer wirklich schwierigen Position mit dem Kunden.“”
  • Kritik – „Wir sind mit der FAT in Verzug, weil Sie vergessen haben, Max wieder zu upzudaten. Du bist so desorganisiert.  Jetzt bin ich in einer wirklich schwierigen Position mit dem Kunden, Thierry.“
  • Schuldzuweisungen – „Das ist alles deine Schuld…. und jetzt liegen wir wieder hinter dem Zeitplan mit der FAT zurück. Du hast Max nicht so upgedated, wie du es hättest tun sollen, und jetzt muss ich die Dinge lösen und mich um den Kunden kümmern…. was hältst du davon? Das ist alles deine Schuld, Thierry.„

Offensichtlich sind Kritik und Schuldzuweisung keine hilfreichen oder produktiven Verhaltensweisen – aber wenn wir ehrlich zu uns selbst sind, haben wir sie alle irgendwann einmal gezeigt.

Warum beschuldigen und/oder kritisieren wir andere?

Wir haben uns darüber Gedanken gemacht, was passiert ist und wollen entweder jemanden zur Verantwortung ziehen oder das Verhalten eines anderen ändern. Wir sagen uns, dass wir nur „Feedback geben“, „andere zur Verantwortung ziehen“ oder „sagen, wie es ist“.

Was passiert, wenn wir das tun?

Der typische (und oft unbeabsichtigte) Effekt ist, dass der Empfänger defensiv wird (der zweite der 4 Reiter) und die konstruktive Kommunikation stoppt. Der Empfänger wird wahrscheinlich weniger offen darüber sein, was tatsächlich passiert ist, da er sich nicht sicher fühlt – und möglicherweise sogar unehrlich wird, Informationen zurückhält oder Dinge neu erfindet. Alternativ fühlt sich der Empfänger bedroht und wehrt sich mit Kritik oder Schuldzuweisungen. Nichts davon ist sehr produktiv oder vorteilhaft für eine gesunde Geschäftsbeziehung.

Was also kann der „Schuldzuweiser“ anders machen?

Um das oben Gesagte am besten zu vermeiden, müssen Sie als potentieller „Schuldzuweiser“…

  • Verantwortung für die eigenen Gefühle übernehmen – und sie nicht auf den „Empfänger“ legen.
  • Offen und neugierig darüber sein, was passiert ist. Genau hinschauen, um zu verstehen.
  • Verwandeln Sie Ihre „Beschwerde“ in eine Anfrage. Konzentrieren Sie sich darauf, Lösungen für das Problem zu finden und wie Sie es in Zukunft vermeiden können, anstatt sich auf die Vergangenheit zu konzentrieren, z.B. anstatt zu sagen: „Sie haben mir nichts von dem Review-Meeting erzählt“, sagen Sie: „Ich möchte wirklich kein weiteres dieser Review-Meetings verpassen, könnten Sie mir die Termine für den Rest des Jahres schicken?“
  • verwenden Sie die Sprache „Ich“ und nicht „Sie“, z.B. „Ich habe den Eindruck, dass… / Für mich kommt das wie…“.
  • prüfen Sie, wie Sie aktiv zu einer Lösung beitragen können – es ist unwahrscheinlich, dass Sie völlig machtlos sind, und Sie werden sich besser fühlen, wenn Sie wissen, was Sie ändern und kontrollieren können, unabhängig davon, was der andere tut.
  • zukunftsorientiert sein. Auch hier gilt: genau hinschauen, um zu verstehen, damit die Dinge in Zukunft besser werden können. Auf einem Stück Papier darzustellen, was passiert ist und welche Faktoren dazu beigetragen haben, kann ein effektives Werkzeug sein.
  • Entschuldigen Sie sich, wenn es angebracht ist – Wollten Sie „angreifen“? Es könnte sein, dass Sie sich nicht kritisch gefühlt haben oder eine andere Absicht hatten, aber es kommt darauf an, wie der andere es erlebt hat.
  • und um jeden Preis vermeiden Sie es, den anderen mit weitreichenden persönlichen Angriffen wie „Was ist los mit dir?“ oder „Was genau ist dein Problem“ zu verletzen?

Was können die „Schuldigen“ tun, um die toxischen Auswirkungen zu begrenzen?

Wenn Sie kritisiert oder beschuldigt werden, versuchen Sie…

  • anzunehmen, dass die Absichten gut sind. Man versucht nicht absichtlich Sie zu verletzen, noch will man, dass Sie sich „nutzlos fühlen“. Sie machen einfach keine sehr gute Arbeit bei der Kommunikation.
  • zuzuhören und eine angemessene Aufforderung zu finden, die in der „Beschwerde“ enthalten ist.
  • sich auf ihre Beziehung zu konzentrieren. Wenn andere Ihnen „Schuld“ zuweisen, was sind dann ihre Bedürfnisse
  • dem Drang zu widerstehen, sich zu wehren – bleiben Sie nicht in einer „Wer macht was mit wem“ Spirale stecken
  • ruhig, durchsetzungsfähig und empathisch zu sein.
  • Diskussion wieder auf die Zukunft auszurichten. Wie oben, hilft es, das Geschehene darzustellen und Fakten zu veranschaulichen
  • der anderen Person zu helfen, sich wieder auf eine bessere Beziehung zu konzentrieren.

Wie man „Abwehr“-Verhalten am Arbeitsplatz entkräftet

The toxic behaviour of “defensiveness” often follows feeling criticized or blamed. It is a natural fight/flight response and, just like criticism & blaming, defending is very much about the past rather than the future.  Defending can look like excuses, denying responsibility, or even blaming the other (“I’m not the problem here – you’re the problem!”). Defensiveness rarely helps move things forward.

Das toxische Verhalten der „Abwehrhaltung“ folgt oft dem Gefühl, kritisiert oder beschuldigt zu werden. Es ist eine natürliche Kampf-/Fluchtantwort, und genau wie Kritik und Schuldzuweisungen geht es bei der Abwehrhaltung sehr stark um die Vergangenheit und nicht um die Zukunft.  Sich zu verteidigen kann wie eine Ausrede aussehen, oder es wirkt wie die Verantwortung zu leugnen oder sogar dem anderen die Schuld zu geben („Ich bin hier nicht das Problem – du bist das Problem!“). Verteidigung hilft selten, die Dinge voranzutreiben.

Warum verteidigen wir uns?

Wir verteidigen uns, um unser eigenes Selbstwertgefühl zu bewahren.  Wir wollen unsere Selbstidentität, unser Integritätsgefühl bewahren.  Wir schützen unser Ego vor Kritik und können uns schnell wie das „Opfer“ verhalten.

Was passiert wenn wir das tun?

Die unbeabsichtigte Auswirkung ist, dass Konflikte entweder aufkommen oder eskalieren.  So oder so, die Beziehung leidet. Die Defensive verhindert auch die Analyse und das Verständnis des Problems, was wiederum die Suche nach nachhaltigen und realistischen Lösungen verhindert.

Also, was kann der „Verteidigende“ anders machen?

  • Wirklich zuhören…. wirklich, wirklich zuhören. Schließen Sie nicht hilfreiche Selbstgespräche aus und nutzen Sie aktive Hörfähigkeiten.
  • In Verbindung mit dem oben genannten, hören Sie hin, um herauszufinden, was Sie denken, dass Sie hören.
  • Jetzt suchen Sie nach den „10%“ der Wahrheit. Es ist unglaublich unwahrscheinlich, dass die andere Person alles erfindet. Ignorieren Sie die Kritik und konzentrieren Sie sich auf das angesprochene Thema. Selbst wenn Sie mit dem, was sie sagen und wie sie es sagen, nicht einverstanden sind, gibt es wahrscheinlich irgendwo etwas Wahrheit, die sich mit Ihnen und ihrem Teil in der Situation verbindet.
  • Und wenn Sie Ihren Beitrag zu dem Problem bedacht haben, akzeptieren Sie Ihre persönliche Verantwortung für das Problem. Jeder hat manchmal Unrecht.
  • Erkennen Sie die Wirkung an, zu der Sie beigetragen haben. Entschuldigen Sie sich, wenn es angebracht ist. Und um ein überzogenes Klischee zu zitieren, gestehen Sie Fehler ein. Sie werden überrascht sein, wie kraftvoll und effektiv es ist zu sagen: „Ich habe mir angehört, was du gesagt hast, und nachdem ich darüber nachgedacht habe…. hast du Recht. Das ist mein Fehler.“ Manchmal kann die Auseinandersetzung mit einer Situation auch schnell die Dynamik verändern, z.B. „Ich habe mir angehört, was du sagst (Kritiker richtet sich auf Leugnung ein und bereitet sich auf einen weiteren Angriff vor), und ich stimme dir völlig zu.  Ich habe das nicht richtig oder gut gemacht [Kritiker überrascht und still]. Lass uns reden und sehen, was wir beide beim nächsten Mal anders machen könnten [Kritiker in eine zukunftsorientierte Diskussion einbezogen].“

Und was kann der „Angreifer“ tun, um die toxischen Auswirkungen der Verteidigung zu begrenzen?

  • Verdeutlichen Sie ausdrücklich und authentisch Ihre Absicht. Arbeiten Sie daran, zu helfen zu verstehen, dass Ihre Absicht darin besteht, andere nicht zu verletzen. Sie wollen nur ein ernstes Gespräch führen, weil Ihnen das wichtig ist.
  • Noch einmal, wirklich zuhören… weniger reden und mehr zuhören.
  • Klären Sie, was von der anderen Person gehört wird.
  • Verwenden Sie „Ich“ und nicht „du“.
  • Zeigen Sie Respekt.
  • Und versichern Sie anderen, dass ihr Image oder ihr Ruf nicht auf dem Spiel steht. Sie konzentrieren sich auf diese Situation und nicht auf die Vergangenheit, Gegenwart und Zukunft.
  • Gewinne Sie das Vertrauen wieder.

Was kann ein Manager tun, wenn er Kritik, Schuld und Abwehrhaltung in seinem Team sieht?

Kritik und Schuldzuweisung ist menschlich. Wir alle haben es schon getan. Wir alle waren unhilfreich defensiv. Unterscheiden Sie zwischen einem Teammitglied, das dieses Verhalten hin und wieder zeigt (das ist menschlich) und einem, das ein Muster auf einer fortlaufenden Basis zeigt.

  1. Schaffen Sie eine sichere Umgebung und bauen Sie Vertrauen auf, indem Sie persönliche Erfahrungen austauschen, und an beiden Enden sitzen – konzentrieren Sie sich auf die unmittelbaren und längerfristigen Auswirkungen des Verhaltens auf Einzelpersonen, Teams und Ergebnisse. Achten Sie darauf, keine Vorträge zu halten und teilen Sie stattdessen Ihre Wahrnehmungen und Erfahrungen.
  2. Konzentrieren Sie das Team auf das, was beim nächsten Mal passiert (und verstärken Sie diese Zukunftsorientierung, wenn jemand anfängt, Vergangenheitsformen zu verwenden).
  3. Wenn Sie auf ein Muster stoßen, in dem eine Person regelmäßig andere kritisiert und beschuldigt, scheuen Sie sich nicht, Ihre Macht als Manager geltend zu machen und Feedback über das destruktive Verhalten zu geben, das Sie sehen.

Im dritten und letzten Teil dieser Serie werden wir untersuchen, wie Sie die verbleibenden 2 „Reiter“ – Einmauern und Verachtung – angehen und überwinden können.

Lernen Sie die „Vier Reiter der Apokalypse“ kennen – Was bewirken Sie an Ihrem Arbeitsplatz?

/in , /von

Seit 2015 sind wir stark an einem Management Development Programm für eine der großen 4 Wirtschaftsprüfungsgesellschaften in Luxemburg beteiligt. Einer der vielen lohnenden Aspekte der Beteiligung an so großen Vorzeigeprojekten ist die Möglichkeit, mit anderen Management-Trainern zusammenzuarbeiten und voneinander zu lernen. Dank Alexandra D. entdeckte ich 2017 John Gottmans Arbeit und seitdem habe ich gesehen, wie seine Methoden Menschen in und außerhalb der Arbeit bei den Beziehungen helfen, die für sie am wichtigsten sind. Wenn Sie (wie ich) noch nichts von ihm gehört haben: John Gottman ist ein hoch angesehener Psychologe und Beziehungsexperte, der mit seiner Frau Julie das Gottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com) leitet. Gottman studierte über zwei Jahrzehnte lang die Beziehungen zwischen Ehepartnern und Paaren und entdeckte Verhaltensmuster, mit denen er – mit einer Genauigkeit von über 90% – vorhersagen konnte, welche Beziehungen nicht  überleben würden.  Obwohl sich seine Forschung und Berufung ausschließlich auf Paare konzentriert, übertragen sich seine Gedanken und Methoden leicht auf unser Berufsleben und auch auf unsere Arbeitsbeziehungen!

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Die 4 Reiter (oder die 4 Teamtoxine)

Gottman glaubt, dass es 4 negative Verhaltensweisen gibt, die Beziehungen zerstören können. Dieses 2-minütige Video stellt sie gelungen vor.

Die vier destruktiven Verhaltensweisen sind:

  • Schuldzuweisung und Kritik – Angriff auf den Charakter, das Verhalten oder die Persönlichkeit des Partners.
  • Defensivität – sich selbst als Opfer zu sehen, um Angriffe zu verhindern oder abzuwehren und andere für sein Versagen zu beschuldigen..
  • Verachtung – das Selbstgefühl seines Partners mit Sarkasmus oder Zynismus angreifen, um ihn zu beleidigen oder zu missbrauchen.
  • Einmauern – Rückzug aus der Beziehung und jeder sinnvollen Verbindung.

Gottman nennt diese 4 destruktiven Verhaltensweisen „die vier Reiter der Apokalypse“. Ich habe auch gehört, dass Coaches und Trainer sie in „die 4 Teamtoxine“ (engl. The Four Team Toxins) umbenennen, um sie geschäftsrelevanter erscheinen zu lassen.

Warum die 4 Reiter der Apokalypse am Arbeitsplatz anzutreffen sind?

Wenn wir ehrlich sind, haben wir diese 4 toxischen Verhaltensweisen vermutlich auch schon gezeigt und uns irgendwann einmal toxisch verhalten. Wir sind menschlich. Und ob man sie nun „die 4 Reiter“ oder „die 4 Teamtoxine“ nennen will, diese Verhaltensweisen sind am Arbeitsplatz von Bedeutung – und das auf sehr greifbare Weise.

Diese Verhaltensweisen sind Gift für einen effektiven, respektvollen und bereichernden Arbeitsplatz. Wenn zwischenmenschliche Beziehungen zusammenbrechen, können Sie erwarten, dass sich die Qualität der Kommunikation verschlechtert.  Aufgaben und Projekte dauern länger, die Arbeit wird unvollständig oder unter den erwarteten Standards sein, und da das Verhalten die Produktivität beeinträchtigt, können Sie mit schlechten Ergebnissen rechnen.  Motivation, Engagement und Teamgeist werden alle leiden, und destruktive Konflikte werden zunehmen. Und im schlimmsten Fall sieht man Stress, Krankheit und fähige Menschen, die kündigen, weil „es ihnen reicht“. Wenn Sie Leistung also steigern wollen, müssen Sie diese Probleme direkt angehen.

Also, was können Manager gegen die 4 Reitern der Apokalypse machen?

„Ok, einige Leute sind nicht so nett wie andere, so ist das Leben… aber  was soll ich als Auditmanager tun? Ich bin Manager, nicht Berater.“

– Marcel, Manager im Bereich Audit & Assurance

Jeder Profi, der sich um seine Beziehungen zu anderen kümmert, wird von der Erforschung der 4 Reiter profitieren…

  • indem er in der Lage ist, zu erkennen, wann er sich negativ verhält.
  • indem er lernt, seine Denkweise bei Bedarf bewusst zu ändern

Egal ob toxisches Verhalten ein häufiges Ereignis oder ein glücklicherweise seltenes Phänomen ist, gute Manager müssen…

  • in der Lage sein, zu erkennen, wann sich andere negativ verhalten.
  • lernen, anderen zu helfen, ihr Verhalten und die Auswirkungen zu verstehen.
  • in der Lage sein, schwierige Gespräche mit Einzelpersonen und Teams anzugehen.
  • lernen, anderen zu helfen, negative Spiralen zu stoppen und toxische Beziehungen umzukehren.

In den Teilen 2 und 3 dieses Blogs werden wir untersuchen, wie dies erreicht werden kann, aber zum Schluss folgen 5 praktische Tipps für den Einstieg…

  1. And when you do see toxic behaviours between team members, tackle them.
  2. Übernehmen Sie die Verantwortung für Ihre eigenen Gefühle. Das fängt damit an, dass Sie konsequent Selbstwahrnehmung und Reflexion in Ihrem Handeln aufbauen. Konzentrieren Sie sich darauf, wer Sie sein wollen und wie Sie sein wollen… unabhängig davon, was die andere Person tut oder sagt. Das ist hart, aber enorm wirksam.
  3. Die Neugierde der Praxis – fragen Sie sich „Was passiert hier eigentlich“, „Was fehlt mir“, „Wie habe ich zu dieser Situation beigetragen“ und „Was wird uns dabei helfen“
  4. Machen Sie keine Annahmen und überprüfen Sie Ihre Ergebnisse offen. Dies wird dazu beitragen, die Bereitschaft anderer zu erhöhen, zuzuhören und sich auf einen gesunden Konflikt einzulassen.
  5. Gehen Sie auf andere Menschen ein und speisen Sie Positivität in Ihre Beziehungen ein: Führen Sie regelmäßig anerkennende Gespräche und versuchen Sie, Anerkennung zu zeigen.
  6. Und wenn Sie toxische Verhaltensweisen zwischen Teammitgliedern sehen, gehen Sie sie an.

3 Fragen, die Sie stellen sollten, wenn Sie sich in einer Konfliktsituation befinden.

/in /von

Es ist Montagmorgen 11 Uhr und du bist auf halbem Weg durch dein wöchentliches Team-Meeting…. und du bist gefangen. Zwei deiner wichtigsten Teamleiter haben gerade begonnen, sich über die gleichen alten Probleme zu streiten. Immer und immer wieder. Du wirst gereizt! Was machst du jetzt? Was sind deine persönlichen Konflikteskalations- oder De-eskalationsmuster? Explodierst du? z.B. „Könnt ihr beide verdammt nochmal endlich die Klappe halten!!!!!!!!!„.  Das ist eine, wenn auch nicht sehr konstruktive Art, damit umzugehen. Würdest du Friedensstifter spielen, z.B. „Wir sind alle im selben Boot und sollten uns gegenseitig unterstützen, oder nicht?“ So attraktiv es auch klingt, dieser Ansatz wird den Konflikt tatsächlich eskalieren, indem er versucht, ihn zu verbergen. Oder schiebst du es einfach weg, z.B. „Kümmert Euch draußen darum, nachdem wir fertig sind, ich werde das hier drin nicht tolerieren„. Das ist auch keine „Lösung“, denn sie wird zurückkommen und dich wie einen Bumerang treffen… wahrscheinlich in deinen Rücken. Du bist Teil des Konflikts, ob es dir gefällt oder nicht, und das bedeutet, dass du Teil der Lösung sein musst. Hier sind 3 grundlegende Fragen, die du dir stellen musst…

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Was ist eigentlich genau in diesem Moment los?

Wenn du dich in einer Konfliktsituation befindest, ist es wichtig, dich zu fragen, was tatsächlich passiert? Was ist das „Phänomen“? Die Suche nach dem Phänomen ist enorm wichtig und nicht immer leicht zu finden. Was genau passiert in diesem Moment?

  • Hat es mit mir zu tun, mit meinen Handlungen?
  • Hat das etwas mit den Haushaltsberatungen zu tun, die wir führen?
  • Hat es etwas mit alter Vendetta oder einem Machtkampf zwischen den beiden zu tun?

Das bringt uns zur zweiten Frage…

Wie fühlst du dich in diesem Moment?

Diese Frage klingt einfach genug, kann aber unerwartet schwer zu beantworten sein, wenn wir uns im Konflikt selbst befinden.  Arbeite daran, die Emotionen der Oberfläche zu überwinden und gehe tiefer. Wie fühlst du dich WIRKLICH über das, was passiert? Die Beantwortung dieser 2 Fragen allein erhöht die Chancen, Teil der Lösung zu sein, erheblich. Sie werden dir helfen, den Konflikt konstruktiv zu lösen (die Situation zu de-eskalieren), indem sie dich zwingen, den reflektierenden Teil deines Gehirns (den präfrontalen Kortex) zu benutzen.

So sehr mein Ego auch gerne sagen würde, dass der reflektierende Gehirnteil immer dominant ist, ER IST ES NICHT. Für niemanden von uns. Es ist der neueste Teil des Gehirns, und der am wenigsten dominante. Normalerweise gibt es einen „Highway“ von Verbindungen zwischen den drei Gehirnteilen/Schichten, aber in dem Moment, in dem wir uns im Konflikt befinden, verengt sich dieser „Highway“ auf eine Einbahnspur, was unsere Konfliktbearbeitungsfähigkeiten ernsthaft beeinträchtigt.

Um nun auf unsere Situation zurückzukommen, die Besprechungssituation mit den Teamleitern: Du stehst jetzt da, und hast den primitiven Teil des Gehirns beruhigt und darüber reflektiert. Es ist an der Zeit, die dritte Frage zu stellen.

Was willst du tun?

Nehmen wir an, du weißt, dass es eigentlich darum geht, dass ein Teamleiter durch einen Mangel an Ressourcen frustriert ist. Er ist enttäuscht von der Situation (und nicht wütend, auch wenn es so aussehen mag). Denke daran, dass seine Wahrnehmung für ihn WIRKLICH ist. Er glaubt, dass die andere Abteilung über alle Ressourcen und die gesamte Anerkennung verfügt. Er hat eine Geschichte in seinem Kopf konstruiert und ist nun in Emotionen gefangen, die nicht unbedingt mit der Situation zusammenhängen.

OK, also was willst du dagegen tun? Das ist die dritte Frage. Die dritte Option. Eine Möglichkeit, zu entscheiden, was zu tun ist, wäre, sich auf die „Wahl der Konfliktstrategie“ zu konzentrieren (problem-solving, forcing, avoiding, accommodation). Eine andere könnte die Frage sein, welche „Verhandlungsstrategie“ du verwenden wirst?

Die 3 Fragen helfen dir und deinem Gehirn, sein volles Potenzial auszuschöpfen

Durch die Lösung der ersten beiden Fragen wird die Wahl für die dritte Frage, die rationalere sein, egal was du tun willst. Was auch immer du tust, denk daran, dass, wenn du diese beiden Individuen erreichen willst, mit welcher Botschaft auch immer, du den Teilen ihres Gehirns helfen musst, wieder zu kommunizieren (ihren „Highway“ wieder zu öffnen). Du musst in kurzen Sätzen sprechen und ihnen helfen zu sehen, was tatsächlich vor sich geht (F1) und wie sie sich im Moment wirklich fühlen (F2). Wie auch immer du dich der Lösung des Konflikts näherst, du kannst jetzt klarer sehen und aktiv entscheiden, hast den Konflikt schnell analysiert und die Kontrolle über deinen Geist bewahrt.

Vielleicht siehst du jetzt einen Bedarf für die laufende Diskussion. Vielleicht ist es mit der Unternehmensstrategie verbunden und dieser Konflikt daher wertvoll. Du könntest dich dafür entscheiden, dem Mitarbeiter die Anerkennung zu geben, nach der er sich sehnt („Ich bin mir bewusst, dass deine Abteilung sehr unter Druck stand. Ich bin mir auch bewusst, dass dies nichts mit der anderen Abteilung zu tun hat. Lass‘ uns eine separate Besprechung abhalten und darüber reden“).

AUFRICHTIG angegangen, hast du das Problem für den Moment gelöst. Du musst, wie versprochen, darauf zurückkommen und es ansprechen, aber zumindest können dich die Manager jetzt hören und an dem bevorstehenden Meeting teilnehmen.

Für weitere Informationen

Target Training bietet seit 15 Jahren eine Reihe von konfliktbezogenen Trainingslösungen an. Dazu gehören „Umgang mit kritischen Konfliktsituationen“ und „Konfliktmanagement in virtuellen Teams„. Wir bieten auch Einzel- und Teamcoaching-Lösungen an.

 

Über den Autor

Preben ist ein professioneller Mediator und Konfliktmanager. Sein Schwerpunkt liegt auf menschlichen Interaktionen, wie Management und Führung, interkulturelle Beziehungen und zwischenmenschliche Kommunikation. Bis vor kurzem war er ein willkommener Teil von Target Training und arbeitet heute für eine große europäische Institution. In seinem Privatleben liebt er Karate, Wandern und Klettern.

Linking and building to successfully influence others

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In today’s business world of cross-functional initiatives, matrix structures and virtual teams, the ability to influence others is becoming even more essential if you want to succeed. And no matter what your influencing style is, to effectively influence somebody you need to connect with them. If you’re trying to influence somebody it means that you have differing opinions and ideas. One of the simplest ways to influence somebody is by „linking and building“: Find and focus on the agreement … and then build on this. Most people are open to sharing and discussing their opinions and ideas – and most of us are aware that our ideas are not the only ones valid. What we want is to be taken seriously and feel listened to.  This is where “linking” comes in – if you link your ideas to their ideas it clearly shows you have listened to and understood their thoughts and feelings.  And when you build on somebody’s ideas it means you are validating their contributions.  This builds rapport and relationships WHICH then makes the process of influencing so much easier...
The big (free) eBook of negotiations language

 

 5 things to keep in mind

1. Is the link already there?

Do you just need to draw their attention to it? Or will you need to build the link step by step? If so you need to find some common ground – this could be a shared goal, a previous experience or perhaps the two of you are seeing the same current challenges?  Open questions like “Where do you think we need to go?” or “What are your thoughts?” work well here …

2. When you find your “link”, be explicit about what you like / share about their views, opinion, drives etc.

For example. “It’s clear to me that we both want to make sure any changes we make don’t cost people more time” or “What I really like about your approach is that you’re considering the end-user first. I feel the same way”

3. Focus on positives and use positive language.

Most people are very rarely completely wrong, just as you are very rarely completely right.  Understanding this means that it is always possible to approach something by looking for the “right” ideas e.g. “What I like about your suggestion is …” thereby creating a positive spiral and rapport – as opposed to focusing on what you don’t like e.g. “ I can’t imagine this working” thereby creating a downwards negative spiral (source – George Prince – The Practice of Creativity).

4. There are going to be differences.

If there weren’t you wouldn’t be trying to influence each other! But make an effort to delay focusing on differences until some bridges have been built. When you turn to them, link back to the shared elements you’ve found and be explicit about your reasons. “It seems that we agree on the causes of the problem and we have different ideas about what needs doing. Why do you think this is?” Don’t assume the everything is obvious!

5. As you progress do continually clarify.

Use language like “So what you’re saying is …” and “Let me just check I’m understanding you … “. This shows your understanding of their views, ideas and thoughts AND actually ensures you do actually understand. Build your bridge on concrete foundations.

Linking and building is just one of many practical techniques from our influencing seminars that can help you successfully influence others. And it starts with getting all parties to face in the same direction. Please contact if you’d like to know more.

 

What is active listening, how do I develop it and should I be making little noises?

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Listening skills are an integral part of many of our training solutions, e.g.  Influencing, Managing Conflict and Facilitating meetings all include practical components on listening skills. However, we had a rare request from a pharmaceutical client seeking training focusing solely on active listening for their senior managers.  The new board member strongly believed that improving her manager’s listening skills would have a major impact on the quality of relationships and the effectiveness of her team. And she was right … the seminar started and almost immediately, one manager asked me, “Active listening – that’s just when you make little noises, right?”

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What is active listening?

Our tactful answer was “not quite”.  Active listening (as the name suggests) is when you actively and fully concentrate on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words.  Communication theory breaks what is being said into two elements – the content and the context. Content is the what – the data, the facts, the information etc. Context refers to everything else that is going on when somebody speaks with you – the relationship, the background, the situation, the emotions etc.  Active listening involves paying close attention to the content being shared AND the contextual components between the listener (the receiver) and the speaker (the sender). Skilled active listeners can hear the what PLUS interest, emotion, concern, energy and other contextual factors from the speaker’s perspective. And they can hear what isn’t being said.

Why invest energy and effort in building your active listening skills?

The benefits of active listening are many.  To start with you’ll hear more … much more. You can enrich your understanding through gathering information and understanding the emotions. You will ask better questions through noticing the speaker’s possible intent, and not only their words. It helps you avoid or diffuse conflicts. Better listening means that solutions and discussion are stronger. Active listening is a building block for open, trusting and accountable relationships.

7 practical tips for active listening

Pay attention

I mean REALLY pay attention to what is being said. Put aside distracting thoughts, try to block out environmental factors (side conversations, people watching etc) and listen holistically.

Know your obstacles to listening

Everyone is guilty of having “inner conversations” when listening – and whether it be judging, dreaming, solving or rehearsing what you want to say these common obstacles get in the way of active listening. Check out this blog post for more information or download the .pdf version here.

Develop countermeasures for your obstacles

Self talk to interrupt your distraction and refocus and internal paraphrasing can help. Basically, this sounds like you telling yourself “Stop it and focus on them not you”

Listen for context

Approach a meeting with listening tasks such as learning the interests of others in the room and listening for the valued being created in the conversation.

Dialogue approach

Listen with a mind to understand what is being said and not judge what is being said.

Listen with your eyes

Listen to what they are saying, how they are saying it, “listen” to their body language and “listen” to their eyes.

Provide feedback

It is incredibly difficult not to filter, assume or judge when we listen. As an active listener your role is just to listen. Reflecting, restating and asking questions are essential – just make sure you are doing this to check you are understanding the content and context and not to discuss, negotiate, argue, influence, correct etc.

So should I be making little noises when I actively listen, or not ?

Of course we also send messages when we listen IF we listen actively and affectively. In western cultures we expect some feedback from our listeners that indicates interest, from non-verbal messages such as nodding, smiles, eye contact and posture to small verbal comments like “uh huh” or “ “I see”. Do keep in mind thought that not every culture listens in the same way – and likewise not every individual listens in the same way.  A lack of “ums” and “aahs” doesn’t always mean somebody is not listening.

To wrap up

Active listening helps you to create an environment that supports deeper, more honest and authentic communication. Whether you are managing people, negotiating, discussing, influencing, problem solving, why wouldn’t you invest the energy and effort in becoming a better listener?

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DEEP accountability conversations – How to hold your colleagues accountable

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According to Shelly Setzer of the Table Group, peer-to-peer accountability is “probably the toughest behavior to master on a team”. And as cross functional, matrix and virtual teams are becoming the norm, holding each other accountable to team goals and commitments is becoming even more challenging.. As a team member, you aren’t “the boss”, which means you don’t have the levers of reward and coercion and in some cases, your team may just be one among many for your team members. So how exactly do you approach conversations with colleagues who aren’t doing what they said they would do, without the benefit of formal power ? This is where the DEEP model comes in. The DEEP model is designed to help you have a clear approach to tough accountability conversations. It helps you and your team focus on solutions when accountability problems arise. These kinds of conversations are rarely easy, but with DEEP you can approach them with confidence.


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Requirements for the DEEP approach

You need clear commitments with the team (not tacit, unconfirmed agreements). Your colleagues need to trust your intentions and believe you have their and the projects interest at heart.  You need to foster a climate of creative conflict so everyone can be heard and see themselves reflected in team decisions. AND most of all, you need the courage to have what is often a tough conversation. Tough conversations are … tough. There are no tricks or techniques that make them less so, but here are 3 fundamentals to consider:

  • Turn up – Be present in the conversation, shut out unhelpful self-talk, keep control of yourself and focus on the conversation and the outcome.
  • Stay there – Show you are committed to the conversation. Don’t cut it short when things get awkward.
  • Speak out – say what you think and feel and take responsibility for your words.

The DEEP model, step by step

Step 1 – Describe the situation – What happened as I see it

This is a review of the commitment and shortfall without judgment.  Stick with “I” statements rather than “you” statements and try to describe the process that led to the commitment. If you can’t bring up the shortfall without becoming too emotional and judging your conversation partner, then ask yourself 2 questions:

  • Is the timing right?
  • Am I the right person to have this accountability conversation?

Step 2 – Explain the consequences – The result of what happened

The consequences of the shortfall you mention here should be concrete and observable. What actually happened because they didn’t meet their commitment is far more important than what could happen. Finding consequences your partner already cares about adds impact.

Step 3 -Explore options – What we can do about it

Generate at least three options when considering what to do. The “at least three” is very important – is helps you to avoid binary thinking and unnecessarily taking a position.  Brainstorming options together is critical.  The together points you both in the same direction, reaffirms the “team” and ensures you are on the same page before assessing your options, Make it a distinct step with a marker e.g. “Ok, together let’s now brainstorm what we can do” – this moves your conversation forward.

Step 4 – Problem solve together – What we will do about it

Decide and commit to new behaviors. It can be important to find ways you too can commit to the correction of the shortfall and the development of your relationship. Accountability for behaviors is tough so why should only one person carry the weight? Finding ways to help each other will not only help you to implement a solution, it will also help you to increase your level of trust.

FOR MORE INFORMATION

We offer a range of leadership and team building seminars, for example:

These posts might be of interest to you:

Apologizing via email – phrases

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Being wrong doesn’t feel like anything, and there’s nothing wrong with being wrong. It happens to everybody. Realizing you’ve made a mistake can be difficult and perhaps embarrassing – I’ve been there – but letting others know that you got it wrong is important to healthy relationships. You can do this in person, on the phone, by email, WhatsApp, a personal note or a post-it. Every medium has a different impact, every person has different preferences on how they want to receive/give an apology. In the end, just remember, apologizing is going to make you seem human, regardless of the outcome.


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When is an apology via email appropriate?

It’s not always possible or practical to meet someone in person. Apologizing on the phone can be difficult if you don’t know the other person, or if you’re just not very good at apologizing over the phone.

But, when: …

  • Time is of the essence
  • You want everyone to get the same apology at the same time
  • You have a lot to say
  • Your apology is formal
  • You want or expect very little to nothing in return

…then an email might be appropriate.

The perfect apology

I found this via Google. If your apology contains the following…:

  • give a detailed account of the situation
  • acknowledge the hurt or damage done
  • take responsibility
  • recognize your/the company’s role in the situation
  • include a statement of regret
  • ask for forgiveness
  • promise that it won’t happen again
  • provide a form of restitution (if possible)

… it’s pretty much a perfect business apology. Here are a few phrases to get you started, related to some of the above categories:

Apologize

  1. Please accept my apologies.
  2. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to..
  3. (I’m) sorry. I didn’t realize the impact of…
  4. Please accept our deepest apologies for…
  5. Please accept my sincere apologies for…
  6. Please accept this as my formal apology for…
  7. Please allow me to apologize for…
  8. I would like to express my deep regrets for…
  9. I would like to apologize on behalf of our company.
  10. Please accept my apology for…
  11. I apologize for my failure to…
  12. I’m particularly sorry for…

Acknowledge/recognize

  1. We appreciate that this caused you inconvenience…
  2. I understand that our actions meant…
  3. I can imagine that you felt like…
  4. We see that our actions impacted you unnecessarily…
  5. As a result of our decision, our relationship was affected…

Explain

  1. In our efforts to optimize our distribution process, we overlooked…
  2. The defect/problem was caused by…
  3. The error was due to…
  4. Our internal communication failed. As a result…

Promise

  1. We’re convinced that the changes we’ve implemented will prevent this from happening again.
  2. In the future, our focus will be on…, so that this situation won’t repeat itself.
  3. We’ll be increasing our efforts when it comes to…, so that in the future…
  4. We’ve increased our efforts to ensure that…
  5. I can promise you that the highest quality standards will be met going forward.

The SPASS model

When it comes to writing the email, structuring your email can be difficult. The SPASS model is perfect for email apologies. It’s simple and easy to remember. SPASS = Situation – Problem – Action – Say Sorry. That’s it. Finally, I apologize for keeping you from what you were doing, with another very long post.

Be great!

 

Don’t sweat it – everybody’s wrong sometimes, even your boss

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In this video, Kathryn Schultz tells us that by the time we’re nine years old, we have already learned that the best way to succeed in life is to never be wrong. You should watch the video if you want to know how she came to that conclusion and a few others – when you have ten minutes.

Everybody’s wrong sometimes

Some of Kathryn’s words (if you don’t have time to watch it right now), and main points are:

  • Realizing you’re wrong can make you feel embarrassed or stupid, but being wrong itself doesn’t feel like anything.
  • The first thing we usually do when someone disagrees with us is we just assume they’re ignorant.
  • The second is that they’re idiots.
  • Then we move on to a third assumption: they know the truth, and they are deliberately distorting it for their own malevolent purposes.

There’s nothing wrong with being wrong

Assuming that Kathryn’s assumptions are correct, you can see why telling someone that they’re wrong could prove to be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made – all depending on who is on the receiving end of course. Now, let’s say that person is your boss, your teamleader, or anyone in your company with more authority. Speaking for myself and my conflict avoiding personality – Difficult conversations always have a moment or two where I say completely the wrong thing. To others, determining to even speak to the boss about being wrong is enough to bring on sleepless nights.

Before you do decide to confront the person who was wrong, consider this:

Don’t pick the wrong battles

To speak up or not to speak up about it? I don’t know, is it worth it and/or important?

Don’t talk about the wrong thing at the wrong time

Stick to the topic, make the time to have a proper conversation (in private) and give your boss time to prepare.

Don’t say the wrong things

It’s just not the right time to say things like “I told you so” or “I knew this would happen” and to place blame. It’s already done, who cares? How can we fix it?

The DESC model

Once you’re ready to have the conversation, you can use the DESC model to structure your message – positively. This assertiveness model is perfect for giving negative feedback or criticism. It’s simple and it works. It’s for this reason that participants in our “Practical Toolbox for Managers” seminars often highlight DESC as one of the most valuable tools they take away.

Description – In a private setting, start by describing what you have observed. It’s important to be objective and concrete at this stage. Take responsibility for the feedback by using “I” statements.

Effect / emotion – Once you have described what you observed, move on to the effect or impact this has had. If the effect was an emotion, share this openly. Feedback is always personal in the sense that it is between people about people. Emotions play a part in interpersonal relationships and by naming them and getting them out into the open, you can deal with them in an professional manner.

Solution – Now move on to what you like to see happen. This could be directive e.g. “What I would like you to do next time is …”. Even better, build the solution together using a participative approach e.g. “What do you think we can do to avoid this next time?”.

Conclusion (commitments and contract) – End your feedback conversation by building a “contract of commitment”. Check you have a mutually common understanding of what has been agreed, and get commitment for the future. Then conclude looking forward.

The 6 most horrific bosses of all time

I did some Googling on this topic. With any luck, your boss is nothing like these bosses were...so go ahead and have your conversation – you have nothing to loose. And finally, here are 10 things a good boss would never say. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

Practical questions for analysing and resolving conflict at work

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A study in Europe, the US and Brazil revealed that 67% of employees avoided colleagues due to bad feelings lingering from conflicts and that 27% of employees have witnessed workplace conflicts turning into personal attacks.

Over the years working with project managers on resolving conflicts, I’ve developed simple and practical approach to handling conflicts at work. The dictionary defines conflict as ‚a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one‘. A conflict at work is more than just a difference of opinion with a colleague. There is an emotional component and you feel a tightness in your guts, a knot in your stomach.

The 4 main causes of conflict

„What triggered the conflict?” is the most important place to start. Here are the 4 largest causes of conflicts in the workplace.

  • Goals The cause of the conflict is mainly about goals. Imagine a strategy discussion where one manager wants to focus on client relationships, the other on improving on the website.
  • Resources Here we are talking about resources, often people and budget. Manager “A” wants people for a project team, Manager “B” does not want to release anyone. Or this budget increases, whilst another is cut.
  • Processes It’s not unusual the managers will often disagree on methods and procedures. One manager wants to run the project on Prince2 principles, the other on the principle of whatever works, works.
  • People This is about people and relationships. If you have a good working relationship with the other party, you probably do not have a conflict. If you disrespect or dislike the other party, you will have conflict. And this problem isn’t necessarily resolved – even when agreement on goals, resources and processes is possible.

Using a practical format for analysing conflicts

Here’s a simple preparation format for analysing a conflict and preparing for the discussion. In other words, you buy time before addressing the issue and “the other party”.

Consider the following questions:

  1. What’s it all about and how did it happen? (History)
  2. Who is involved and affected, apart from you and the other party? (Stakeholders)
  3. How far has the conflict gone? (Escalation)
  4. What triggered the conflict? (Causes)
  5. Has anything been done to settle the issue? (Potential solutions)
  6. What do you (and the other party) want to achieve? (Goals)
  7. Do you have any ideas for approaching the other party? (Strategy)

Solving conflicts starts with reflecting and analysing…

Solving conflicts is tough and draining for everyone. Managing conflicts is a concrete and valuable skill – and one which you can develop. Analysing a conflict may help you see that it is more a difference of opinion and judgement, not necessarily a conflict. But it can also make you see discussing resources and procedures is a smoke screen and a diversion from the root conflict, your relationship to the other party.

…and it finishes with engaging, listening and resolving

Practical issues are more easily addressed; relationship issues are trickier to talk about. The above analysis questions will always clarify where the conflict is coming from and therefore make it easier to generate solutions. It will often indicate that the root cause is personal, i.e. resentment, envy, or even chemistry. So can you put your emotions on the back burner and seek a common solution that benefits your organisation? Are you prepared to talk frankly with the other party and clear the air?

 

Tips and tricks for delivering bad news from a famous baseball coach

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Is it ever possible to give bad news in a good way?

Some would argue not. Having started my working life around three months before the Global Economic Crisis hit, and watching colleague after colleague being made redundant throughout the media industry, I certainly would never have wanted to swap places with the people who had to give the bad news to their employees over and over during that time.

But while over time, some colleagues remembered the action of being made redundant, for others the way they were told stuck in their minds longer than the pain of having to pack up their things and reconsider their lives at a moments’ notice. If you have to deliver bad news, it will always be tough, but the aim is to do it in a way which leaves the bad memory without you in it.

Some of my participants are controllers. Delivering bad news is one of the challenges they find extremely difficult to overcome in English. While one popular theory is that giving negative feedback to English speakers might follow a hamburger approach – i.e., give some positive feedback (the top bun), followed by the negative (the meat), and finished with a positive plan for the future (the bottom bun), in my experience most employees value honesty far more than any trick designed to make them feel better. There is a need to be respectful, but a positive bun full of too much sugar won’t cut it when the negative meat needs to be delivered hard and fast.

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“Would you rather get a bullet in the head or five to the chest and bleed to death?”

Billy Beane summed it up well in the movie Moneyball, when he taught his intern Peter Brand how to cut players from their team. “Would you rather get a bullet in the head or five to the chest and bleed to death?”, he asks when discussing the prospect of firing someone. There are a number of things to be learned from the tactic Billy uses throughout the movie, who in real life was lauded for his business sense within the sport of baseball. They would include the following:

1. Understand who you’re talking to

When giving negative news to a baseball player, you might need to sweeten it less than when giving it to a secretary renowned for being slightly sensitive to change. What are the main personality traits of the person you are talking to from your experience? Are they culturally inclined to handle the truth quickly? Do your research first on who they are are you will get a better idea how to handle the situation.

2. Sugar coating the truth doesn’t make it better

Saying nice things around the bad news won’t make the person feel better. Some cultures don’t use imperatives nearly as often as others (i.e. I hear German clients saying ‘do this please” while British clients might say “could you do this please?’), but all cultures value honesty. Keep your wording polite but also keep the sentences short and to the point.

3. Don’t mislead in the hopes of saving someone from bad news

At all times, the aim should be to give all the information you have and in the simplest way to understand. Like ripping off a bandaid, it will hurt less in the long run. People always find out the truth one way or another if you try to embellish the reasons behind the bad news. If you don’t know the answer to something, say so!

4. Keep it short

People don’t appreciate receiving emails with three paragraphs giving them the important news right in the last paragraph. They don’t appreciate the meetings that go for what feels like an eternity before having bad news dropped right at the end like a bomb. Give the bad news quickly and succinctly and then allow time afterwards for explanations and questions. In my first job, when we found out 30% of our department had been made redundant – explaining why they weren’t in the meeting – I certainly appreciated getting the news first up without a long winded explanation first.

5. Be confident

Billy oozes confidence throughout Moneyball and it’s one of the reasons he was so successful at his craft; and he shows in this clip that the second you are on the back foot after giving negative information, you will fall into a hole that is difficult to get out of. Be confident in what you are delivering and why you have to say it, even if you are faking it. Practice beforehand if you find it difficult.

How do you deliver bad news?

An exercise I often do with my clients is to watch the video and discuss whether they think it’s a good way to deliver bad news to their English speaking co-workers and how they think this method is effective or ineffective. While it is certainly an extreme way to deliver such news; direct, honest and without any flowery language around the sides as Peter quickly learns and applies; it is a good example of showing that cultural stereotypes don’t always apply when you need to tell someone something they don’t want to hear.

What tactics have you found to be helpful when delivering bad news? Would you give it like Billy does in Moneyball? Comment below with your feedback.

Change Management: 3 Tips on Dealing with Resistance

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Change management is something we all have to deal with on a daily basis.  It would be nice if all of our ideas were easily put into action without any people resisting the change.  These „resisters“ can fight change for many reasons: they are comfortable with how things are, they have different ideas, they don’t see your issue as a priority at this point, etc.  No matter the reason, we have to find ways to get the resisters on our side in order to implement the change we feel will benefit our department, or company as a whole.  You may think it is easier to ignore these people, but that may lead to problems in the future.

3 problems that can arise if you don’t deal with resisters

  1. The transition is slowed down.  When you are looking to implement a new process, the speed of transition is important.  The longer it takes to implement the new process and get people trained on how to use it, the more expensive it is.  The sooner everyone is on board, the better.
  2. People working against you and your change.  If you don’t get buy-in early from people, some may make it a point to make the change difficult to carry out and work with the new process.  This will cause the change to be seen as something that made things more difficult, instead of bringing about positive results as planned.
  3. Future buy-in issues.  If someone resists change on one project, they are likely to do the same for future initiatives you may introduce.  Things may become personal and what may seem to be small issues, can turn into regular resistance in the future.

So, not addressing those who are resisting change early enough can lead to a number of negative outcomes.  How do we deal with resisters, then?

3 solutions to deal with resisters

  1. Use another tactic.  Take the time to listen to the „resisters“ and find out what is important to them.  Take this information and shift the focus of your change a bit to take their preferences into account.  If you make an effort to show them you are working together, they will be more likely to buy in and support your efforts.
  2. Start low.  If upper management is resisting your change, then start from the bottom and move your way up.  Building support at levels below you, as well as at your level, may allow you to gain strengths in numbers.  Then you can go to management and restate your case.
  3. Make friends with those closest to your resisters.  By befriending administrative assistants, co-workers, and people who report directly to those who are resisting your change, you can share your ideas and increase the chances of getting your message across.  People listen to and trust ideas coming from close colleagues or friends.

Once you try one, or more, of the possible solutions, you will start to see some positive results.

3 possible outcomes from dealing effectively with resisters 

  1. You will turn adversaries into allies.  The more people that are working with you, as opposed to against you, at work will allow you to get more things done.  Plus it provides for a more comfortable working environment.
  2. You will be seen as more credible and competent.  If you can implement change quickly and effectively, you will be seen as a good leader and someone who can get things done.  This can lead to a number of great career opportunities in the future.
  3. Your company culture will be more open to change.  People naturally resist change, but once they embrace some change, it is then easier to embrace more and more.  A company culture that is open to change is open to progress which can lead to better business results.

Change management will always include dealing with those who resist change.  Try a few of the solutions above and let us know what worked for you in the comments area below.  Also, click here for more information on Target Training’s seminars designed to help you handle conflict within your organization.