Soft skills blog articles

Delivering your first virtual presentation – useful tips for beginners

No matter which system you are using, many people find their first virtual presentation to be an uncomfortable experience. Firstly, remember that the fundamentals behind what makes an effective presentation are generally transferable. Secondly, making changes to the way you plan your virtual presentation is where you set the scene for success. In a previous blog post”Your first virtual presentation – practical planning tips for beginners”, we looked at some key questions, including “How am I going to keep their attention in a virtual presentation environment?”, “What can I do in advance to feel more comfortable?” and the dreaded “What if something goes wrong with the technology?”. This post focuses on tips for actually delivering your first virtual presentation.  Contact us now

Build all-round confidence in the technology when you start

Start by demonstrating to yourself (and others) that the technology is working. This could be as simple as “Before we begin I want to take 30 seconds to check everybody is up and running technology-wise”. Check people can see the same thing, that they can hear you, and you can hear them. If you are expecting people to use other system functions e.g. comments, then this is the stage where you clarify this.

Remember that body language and eye-contact are even more important when presenting virtually

  • Position the camera so that either a) your audience has a good close up of your face, allowing them to see your eyes, smile and other facial movements, or, b) your upper torso so they can see your posture, arms and hands. Avoid the dead zone of  “head and shoulders”. They’ll see your head but can’t see the important facial details, nor the arms and hands.
  • When presenting look directly into your camera and not at the person you are talking to (as this will look as if you are actually looking away from them!). Although you won’t be making eye contact, the “illusion of eye contact” is important when presenting virtually.
  • If possible present standing with your laptop and camera at head-height. Its hard to maintain energy levels sat down.
  • If you are going to use notes, then have your notes at eye-height. Do not put your notes on your desk.  Looking at the top of your head doesn’t help your audience feel connected with you.
  • Always use a headset whenever possible. Mobile phones rob you of your hands and body language. And try to avoid talking over a speaker phone as this always impacts sound quality.

Virtual presentations aren’t natural for many of us at the very beginning.  I recall a purchaser sharing that “she felt like an idiot talking to herself”. But as with any communication skill if you integrate tips and advice and practice, practice, practice then they become less daunting and more effective.  Plan, practice and perfect -your audience will thank you.

Focus on bringing life and intimacy into your voice

  • Make an extra effort to speak with enthusiasm – if you sound nervous/ awkward/disengaged what are you expecting them to feel?
  • Use your hands naturally when you are speaking (even if the camera is focusing just on your face). Again, it will help you sound more natural and human. It will also help you feel more comfortable and confident.
  • Smile when you are presenting – even if the cameras aren’t on! This may sound strange but we can hear smiles, and a smile will always come through in your voice.
  • Consciously vary your pitch, volume and speed. If you are tend to speak fast then slow down for effect. Make your voice interesting to listen to.
  • Actively use pauses and “uhmms”. This remind your audience that this is a “live” presentation and that you aren’t a recording.

Build intimacy through questions and answers

  • Make a presentation – don’t read from your slides. Your audience can read faster than they can listen.
  • Encourage and take questions during the presentation. This is a huge step as it makes the interaction feel more personal, natural and fluid.
  • Use your audience’s names whenever possible. Again, this helps to make the presentation feel more conversational plus will strengthen their attention
  • Look for examples that create personal connections. This will make your presentation sound more like a dialogue vs. monologue.

And the most simple but often forgotten …

  • Keep a glass of water at your side. You’ll need it
  • And you’ll get better with practice!

 

 

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse at Work: Contempt and Stonewalling

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The third post in our series exploring John Gottman’s Four Horsemen in the workplace. This post looks at contempt and stonewalling — why they happen, how they can affect working relationships and psychological safety, and what we can do to break these patterns.

  • Reading time
  • 10 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers, team leaders and professionals who want to build more open, constructive and productive working relationships — particularly when conversations become difficult.

In the first post of this series, we introduced John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — and explored how these behaviours can gradually undermine trust, communication and collaboration in the workplace. In the second post, we took a closer look at criticism and defensiveness: why they happen, how they can reinforce each other, and what we can do to break the cycle.

In this post, we turn to the remaining two Horsemen: contempt and stonewalling.

These behaviours can be particularly damaging because they can signal that a working relationship has moved beyond a disagreement about an issue. Contempt attacks the relationship itself, while stonewalling withdraws from it. Both can make it increasingly difficult to have the open, constructive conversations that teams need.

So, why do contempt and stonewalling happen? What impact can they have on working relationships? And, if you recognise these behaviours in yourself, a colleague or your team, what can you do to change the pattern?

 

Why do we show contempt?

Contempt is when our behaviour communicates that we see someone as inferior, unworthy of respect, or simply not worth taking seriously. As it has been built brick-by-brick over time, it is tough to dismantle, and is probably the most destructive behaviour amongst Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”.

    • We’re frustrated. We may have reached the point where we feel that the same issues keep happening and nothing seems to change.
    • We’ve lost respect. Repeated disappointments or difficult interactions can gradually change how we see someone. We may start to question their judgement, competence or commitment.
    • We’re making assumptions. We might begin to interpret someone’s behaviour through a negative lens — assuming they’re simply “not getting it.”
    • We feel superior. Sometimes contempt comes from believing that we know better or that our way of doing things is the only sensible approach. This can make it tempting to dismiss or belittle another person’s ideas.
    • We’re trying to protect ourselves. Sarcasm, mockery or dismissiveness can sometimes be a way of covering up our own frustration, insecurity or vulnerability.
    • It has become a habit. In teams where sarcasm, eye-rolling or dismissing opinions has become normal, we may not even realise how disrespectful our behaviour has become.
    • We don’t know how to express our frustration constructively. When we haven’t found a productive way to address an ongoing problem, contempt can become an outlet for emotions that have been building up.

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How does contempt show up in the workplace?

Contempt can be surprisingly easy to miss, particularly when it is disguised as “just the way we talk to each other.” It can manifest itself as ongoing sarcasm, cynicism, and aggressive, belittling or mocking humour.

Sometimes it appears in small gestures rather than words: an eye-roll when a colleague starts talking in a meeting, a smirk at the mention of a project, or a quiet “hah” when a colleague’s name is mentioned. Contempt can also be much more direct. It might involve dismissive comments about someone’s ideas, mocking their mistakes, questioning their competence, or making insulting statements about their character.

It can also show up in the way we treat someone’s work, time or requests. Repeatedly ignoring a colleague’s emails or requests, failing to deliver something we have agreed to do, consistently missing deadlines without explanation, or treating another person’s priorities as unimportant can all communicate a similar message: your needs, your time or your work don’t matter enough to me.

And contempt isn’t necessarily directed at people. We can also develop contempt for ideas, decisions, processes or the organisation itself. We might routinely dismiss a particular process as “ridiculous”, roll our eyes whenever a certain procedure is mentioned, or talk about leadership, policies or other teams as though they are inherently incompetent. A degree of healthy scepticism is important in any organisation, and processes should absolutely be challenged when they aren’t working. But when criticism becomes habitual cynicism or blanket dismissal, it can have a similar corrosive effect.

This matters because contempt towards a process or decision can easily become contempt towards the people associated with it. “This process makes no sense” can gradually become “the people who designed this process have no idea what they’re doing.” Once that happens, it becomes much harder to have a constructive conversation about how the process could actually be improved.

Again, context is important. Everyone misses a deadline occasionally, forgets an email or has competing priorities. These behaviours become more significant when they form a repeated pattern.

The important thing is to look at the pattern and the message behind the behaviour. Healthy teams can use humour, challenge each other and disagree. Contempt is different because the humour or criticism is being used to diminish another person rather than address the issue.

When contempt is high, psychological safety is low

One of the challenges with contempt is that it can be easy to mistake it for a sign of a close, comfortable team. A team can look relaxed, confident and full of laughter on the surface while psychological safety is actually declining underneath.

A dismissive or cynical comment gets called “banter” or “team dynamics” and these comments can give the impression that psychological safety is high. After all, people are comfortable enough to joke, tease and challenge each other. But there is an important difference between banter that everyone enjoys and using humour to put ideas down or make people feel uncomfortable.

When contempt becomes part of a team’s culture, people start to censor themselves. They may stop sharing an idea or avoid asking a question because they don’t want to look foolish. If people feel they have to laugh along, stay quiet or avoid difficult conversations to belong, psychological safety is already low — however friendly the team might appear.

And this is where contempt becomes particularly damaging. It doesn’t just affect the person on the receiving end. It can change the behaviour of everyone watching. People learn what happens when someone speaks up, gets something wrong or challenges the status quo — and they adjust their own behaviour accordingly.

Contempt: How can we change our behaviour and mindset?

Treating someone with contempt and explaining it away with “Well, I was frustrated with him because of how the meeting went” is a tempting trap. We may have good reasons to be frustrated or disappointed but someone else’s behaviour does not make contempt inevitable — or excuse how we choose to treat others. Contempt comes from the way we see others and the way we choose to behave towards them.

Changing contempt is about choosing not to reduce a person or situation to our frustration. The first step is to separate the person from the problem. We can be deeply frustrated by someone’s behaviour without disrespecting or dismissing them.

That shift matters because it moves us away from judging the person and towards addressing the behaviour.

It also helps to challenge the story we have built around the other person. When repeated frustration turns into contempt, we start filtering everything they do through what we already believe about them. For example: A missed deadline becomes evidence that they are unreliable. Once we start seeing someone this way, it becomes much easier to respond with contempt.

It also means challenging our own assumptions. If we find ourselves thinking, “They never listen,” “They don’t care,” or “They often make things more complicated,” we can pause and ask ourselves whether we are responding to what is actually happening now or to a story we have built up over time.

We can also make a conscious effort to replace contempt with respect. Respect doesn’t require us to agree with someone, like their approach or overlook problems. We can challenge, disagree and hold people accountable while still treating them as someone whose perspective and dignity matter.

Changing contempt starts with recognising when frustration about someone’s behaviour has become a judgement about the person.

The mindset shift is from judgement to curiosity, and from the person being the problem to the problem being the problem.

Why do we stonewall?

  • We feel overwhelmed. Difficult conversations can trigger strong emotions, and sometimes our instinct is to shut down rather than risk saying something we will regret.
  • We’re trying to avoid conflict. If previous conversations have ended badly, avoiding the conversation can feel safer.
  • We feel criticised or attacked. When we feel blamed or judged, we may retreat as a way of protecting ourselves rather than continuing a conversation that feels threatening.
  • We don’t know what to say. Sometimes we genuinely don’t have an answer or don’t know how to respond, so silence feels easier.
  • We’re frustrated. If we believe we’ve already explained ourselves or that the other person isn’t listening, we may decide that there is no point continuing the conversation.
  • We want to regain control. Withdrawing from a conversation can sometimes be a way of taking back a sense of control when we feel powerless or uncomfortable.
  • It has become a habit. If withdrawing has worked for us in the past, we may start doing it automatically whenever a conversation becomes uncomfortable.
  • We’re using silence to punish or control. In some cases, stonewalling is deliberate. We may ignore messages, refuse to respond or deliberately withhold engagement because we want the other person to feel frustrated, excluded or powerless.

The important distinction is between taking a healthy pause and refusing to engage. Saying, “I’m getting frustrated and need 20 minutes to clear my head. Can we come back to this afterwards?” is very different from simply walking away, going silent and leaving the other person wondering whether the conversation will ever happen.

How does stonewalling show up in the workplace?

Stonewalling is the repeated pattern of withdrawing from communication or cooperation in a way that makes it difficult for the other person to move the conversation or work forward. When that happens, stonewalling becomes more than taking a break — it becomes a barrier that negatively impacts everyone in the team.

As with the other Horsemen, context and pattern matter. Not responding in a meeting doesn’t mean someone is stonewalling. Nor does taking a while to respond to an email. People get busy, need time to think and sometimes need a break from a difficult conversation. The difference is what happens next. A healthy pause has a way back in. We might say, “I need some time to get my thoughts straight on this. Can we pick it up tomorrow?” Stonewalling leaves the other person with no clear route back into the conversation.

Stonewalling can be obvious. Someone may simply refuse to engage in a conversation or make it clear that they are not prepared to discuss an issue. They refuse to answer when a question is asked or an issue is raised, walk away from a meeting when something difficult comes up, or shut down the conversation with comments such as, “I’m not discussing this,” “There’s nothing more to say,” or “Whatever.” They may deliberately stop speaking to a colleague altogether, or refuse to participate in a discussion, meeting or problem-solving process because they don’t want to engage with the person or the issue.

However, in the workplace, stonewalling can be much more subtle and can easily be mistaken for being busy, distracted or simply not interested. It might look like repeatedly putting off responding to messages or requests, particularly when they involve a difficult issue or a colleague we are frustrated with. We say, “Let’s talk about it later,” without ever making the time to do so. We might technically respond to a colleague, but give only one-word answers, vague replies or just enough information to end the conversation.

Stonewalling can also show up in how we collaborate. Following a disagreement, we stop offering ideas, contributing in meetings or engaging with a colleague’s work. We might withhold information, fail to provide input or delay completing something another colleague needs, without a legitimate reason.

Sometimes, nothing needs to be said at all. Avoiding eye contact, no longer acknowledging someone, or becoming noticeably colder towards them can communicate displeasure and create distance without a single word being spoken.

Stonewalling: How can we change our behaviour and mindset?

If we recognise stonewalling in the team, the first step is to understand what is happening before we try to change it. Are we genuinely overwhelmed and in need of a pause, or are we avoiding a conversation because it feels uncomfortable? Are we taking time to think, or are we using silence to punish, frustrate or control the other person?

If stonewalling has become part of a team’s way of dealing with conflict, changing it starts with creating a different expectation around difficult conversations. Taking a break from the situation / conversation shoFuld create space to think, not become a way of avoiding the issue. The goal is to create a team where people can take a pause, ask for time to think and step away when necessary — but where there is always a route back into the conversation.

The mindset shift is from avoidance to  engagement: “We need to find a way to stay engaged, even when the conversation is uncomfortable.”

This means making “I need some time to think” an acceptable response, while making sure that “I’ll get back to you” actually means something. If someone needs to step away from a difficult conversation, agree when and how it will be picked up again. A manager can model this themselves: “We’re not going to resolve this right now. Before everyone gets more frustrated, let’s take a break and come back to it at 3pm.”

 

Key takeaways

  • Contempt is more than frustration. It happens when frustration turns into judgement, dismissal or a belief that someone is not worthy of our respect.
  • Look for patterns, not isolated incidents. An eye-roll, missed deadline or delayed response doesn’t automatically mean contempt or stonewalling. Context and repetition matter.
  • Contempt is ours to own. Other people’s behaviour may frustrate or disappoint us, but it doesn’t excuse treating them with contempt. The change starts with the person showing it.
  • Healthy challenge isn’t contempt. Teams need to question decisions, challenge processes and disagree. The difference is whether we are addressing the issue or diminishing the person behind it.
  • A pause isn’t stonewalling. Taking time to calm down or think can be healthy. The important thing is to create a route back into the conversation.
  • Both behaviours affect more than the people involved. Contempt can undermine psychological safety, while stonewalling creates uncertainty and makes it harder for teams to communicate and collaborate.
  • The goal isn’t to avoid difficult conversations. It’s to stay respectful and engaged when those conversations become difficult.

 

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at Work: Criticism and Defensiveness

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This post explores the patterns behind the two “Horsemen” criticism and defensiveness— and offers practical ways to break the cycle.

  • Reading time
  • 8 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Managers, team leaders and professionals who want to build more open, constructive and productive working relationships — particularly when conversations become difficult.

In our previous post, we introduced the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — and looked at how these behaviours can undermine trust, communication and collaboration in the workplace. In this post, we’re going to take a closer look at the first two: criticism and defensiveness, and the relationship between them. We’ll explore why criticism and blame can so easily trigger defensiveness, and what we can do to break this pattern and have more constructive conversations at work.

Changing patterns of behaviour is about much more than finding the perfect words or following a set of communication rules. It starts with a shift in mindset — noticing our instinctive reactions and choosing a more constructive way to respond.

For criticism and defensiveness, that mindset shift can be summed up in two simple principles:

  • Criticism: Focus on the issue, not the person.
  • Defensiveness: Get curious before getting defensive.

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Why do we criticise?

Often, criticism comes from perfectly understandable instincts:

  • We want things to improve. We notice a problem and point it out because we believe doing so will help.
  • We have high standards. We see what could be better and feel responsible for making sure standards are maintained.
  • We want to prevent mistakes. After something goes wrong, identifying what someone did incorrectly can feel like a way of stopping it happening again.
  • We’re frustrated. When the same problem happens repeatedly, our patience wears thin and our language can become more personal.
  • We feel threatened or challenged. Someone else’s mistake, different approach or disagreement can make us question our own position, competence or authority.
  • We’re trying to make sense of what happened. When something goes wrong, finding someone or something to blame can give us a simple explanation, even when the reality is more complicated.
  • It’s become a habit. Some people are naturally more focused on problems and gaps. If pointing out what’s wrong has worked for them in the past, it can become their default response.

Criticism: when does the pattern emerge?

1. When someone feels criticised

Criticism often starts with something legitimate. Someone misses a deadline, makes a mistake, doesn’t follow through on an agreement or approaches a task differently from how we expected. Raising the issue is perfectly reasonable. Having the conversation is necessary.

You don’t need to be communicating badly for the other person to experience criticism. Criticism is much more subtle — your words can be experienced as criticism even when you believe they are simply addressing a problem.

Imagine saying to someone: “The report was due yesterday, and I still haven’t received it. We need to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

On the surface, this is a reasonable conversation about performance and expectations. But imagine that to someone who already feels under pressure, it sounds like critisism: They think I’m unreliable. They don’t trust me to do my job.

That is an important distinction. Criticism is not only about the words that are used; it is also about the judgement the other person feels is being made about them.

The pattern can emerge when a person begins to feel that individual mistakes or behaviours are being interpreted as evidence of a wider problem with who they are, their competence or their commitment. Once that happens, even legitimate feedback can feel personal — and the receiver may become more concerned with defending their reputation than addressing the original issue.

2. When criticism becomes part of the team dynamic

Criticism can also emerge as a pattern between team members. It may start with legitimate differences of opinion, frustration about how work is being done or repeated problems with a colleague. Raising concerns and challenging each other is perfectly reasonable. In fact, healthy teams need people who are willing to do this.

The pattern emerges when criticism becomes a regular part of how people interact. One person may frequently point out another’s mistakes, question their decisions or focus on what they could have done better. The comments may not always be unreasonable, and the person making them may genuinely believe they are helping the team improve.

But when someone is repeatedly on the receiving end, the dynamic can change. They may start to feel that their work is being scrutinised, that their colleague is looking for faults, or that whatever they do will be judged. They become more cautious, less willing to share ideas or admit mistakes — and may start anticipating criticism before it even happens.

This can create a cycle. The more criticised someone feels, the more defensive they may become. The more defensive they become, the more the other person may feel that they are unwilling to listen, take responsibility or improve. And that can lead to even more criticism.

Over time, what began as an attempt to address individual issues can become a relationship pattern. The conversation is no longer simply about what happened; the people involved have developed expectations about each other.

The mindset shift here is to recognise when challenge has become criticism. Healthy teams need people who question, challenge and give feedback. But when one person consistently becomes the focus of another person’s criticism, it is worth stepping back and asking: Are we actually addressing the issue, or are we simply following a pattern that has developed between us?

3. When criticism is a personal habit

There’s probably someone in every team who has developed a habit of spotting what’s wrong. The person who is quick to point out the flaw in an idea, the mistake in a report or what could have been done better. They may be the first to ask, “But what about…?” or to explain why something won’t work.

And sometimes, they are right. They may a good eye for detail or a genuine desire to help the team avoid mistakes. Their intention may be to improve things, not to criticise people.

The pattern emerges when pointing out what’s wrong becomes their default response. Whatever the situation, the focus tends to go to the problem, the omission or the mistake. Over time, colleagues may start to anticipate the criticism and become less willing to share ideas, take risks or speak up.

The person doing the criticising may not even realise that this pattern is impacting the team. From their perspective, they may simply be contributing, being honest or making sure standards are maintained. But if the first response to an idea is always to find the flaw, it can have an impact on how others experience working with them.

The mindset shift is to become aware of that instinct and create some space before responding. Do I need to point this out right now? What else is worth noticing? And will what I’m about to say help the person or the team move forward?

When does criticism become one of the Four Horsemen?

It’s worth making a distinction here. Criticism isn’t the same as raising a concern, giving feedback or pointing out something that needs to improve. Teams need people who are willing to do all of these things.

Criticism becomes problematic when a concern about a specific behaviour starts to become a negative judgement about the person. Instead of focusing on what happened, we start making assumptions about who they are, their character, their competence or their intentions.

This is what makes criticism one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. The problem isn’t that we notice faults or disagree with someone’s actions. It’s when the message shifts from “There’s a problem with what happened” towards “There’s a problem with you.”

That shift can be obvious, as in “You’re unreliable,” but it can also be much more subtle. A person can feel judged even when no explicit personal criticism is made. Context, tone, history and the relationship between the people involved can all influence how a comment is experienced.

And once criticism enters the interaction, it can easily trigger another of the Horsemen: defensiveness. When people feel that their competence, intentions or character are being questioned, protecting themselves can become more important than addressing the original issue.

Defensiveness: when does the pattern emerge?

Defensiveness is often an understandable response. When we feel criticised, blamed, misunderstood or unfairly judged, our instinct may be to protect ourselves. We explain, justify, correct the facts, point out what someone else did wrong or try to prove that we are not responsible.

The problem in teams is not necessarily the first defensive reaction. We all have moments when we feel the need to explain ourselves. The pattern emerges when protecting ourselves becomes more important than understanding what the other person is trying to tell us.

1. When we feel criticised or blamed

Defensiveness can be triggered surprisingly easily, particularly when we hear something that threatens our sense of competence, professionalism, good intentions or sense of self.

Any explanation that you give in defense may be completely valid. But if the conversation continues with more explanations, justifications or about whose fault it was, he original issue can quickly get lost. This is where defensiveness can become unhelpful. Instead of hearing the feedback and considering what might be useful in it, we become focused on not taking the blame or proving that we are not at fault.

And the more we feel the need to defend ourselves, the less space there is to be curious about the other person’s perspective. The mindset is to pause before defending and ask yourself: “What can I understand from what they’re saying?”

2. When defensiveness is part of the team dynamic

Defensiveness can also become a pattern between people. If one colleague regularly feels criticised by another, they may begin to expect criticism and automatically prepare to defend themselves. A simple question can then feel like a challenge. A request for an explanation can feel like an accusation. Feedback can feel like an attack.

The other person may notice this and become frustrated: “I can’t say anything without them getting defensive.” They may then become more direct, provide more evidence or push their point harder. In response, the other person becomes even more defensive.

Over time, both people can become locked into their roles. One becomes the person who is always “raising the issue”, while the other becomes the person who is always “making excuses”. Each sees their own behaviour as a reasonable response to the other.

The mindset shift here is to recognise when you’re no longer responding to what is being said, but to what you expect the other person to say. Before reacting, ask: “What are they actually saying right now?”

3. When defensiveness is a personal habit

There’s probably someone in every team who finds it difficult to receive feedback. Whatever the issue, they have an explanation. If something goes wrong, there is a reason. If someone raises a concern, they can quickly explain why it isn’t really their responsibility. Again, the explanations may be perfectly legitimate. Sometimes we genuinely are being misunderstood or unfairly blamed.

But if the instinctive response is always to explain, justify or counter, it can become a habit. Other people may eventually stop offering feedback because they expect a defensive response, or they may feel they need to build an increasingly strong case before raising an issue.

The person themselves may not recognise the pattern. From their perspective, they may simply be making sure the facts are understood or defending themselves against unfair criticism.

The mindset shift is to create some space between hearing something we disagree with and responding to it. Try asking a question before offering an explanation: “Can you tell me more about what you mean?” or “What was the impact from your perspective?”

You don’t have to agree with everything you hear. Getting curious simply gives you the opportunity to understand before you defend.

When does defensiveness become one of the Four Horsemen?

It’s worth making the same distinction here. Defending yourself isn’t necessarily a problem. If you’re being unfairly blamed or misunderstood, explaining your perspective is perfectly reasonable. We all need to be able to clarify facts, correct misunderstandings and challenge unfair assumptions.

Defensiveness becomes problematic when protecting ourselves takes priority over engaging with the issue. Instead of listening to what the other person is saying, we immediately justify our actions, explain why it wasn’t our fault, shift responsibility elsewhere or point out what the other person has done wrong.

This is what makes defensiveness one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. It’s not simply about disagreeing or standing up for yourself. It’s about responding to a perceived criticism in a way that closes down the possibility of taking anything from the conversation.

And, like criticism, defensiveness doesn’t always have to be obvious. It can be subtle: “Yes, but…”, “I only did that because…”, “Nobody told me,” or “Well, you did exactly the same thing.” Each response may contain some truth. The question is whether we’re using that truth to understand the situation or to protect ourselves from having to engage with the feedback.

There is also a strong connection between the two behaviours. Criticism can trigger defensiveness, and defensiveness can trigger more criticism. One person feels judged and starts defending themselves; the other experiences that defence as unwillingness to listen or take responsibility and pushes harder. Before long, both people are responding to each other rather than addressing the original issue.

The mindset shift is therefore not “I must never defend myself.” It is: “Can I stay curious long enough to understand what is being said before I decide how I need to respond?”

What can a manager do when they see criticism and defensiveness within their team?

When criticism and defensiveness become part of a team dynamic, it can be tempting for a manager to step in and decide who is right. But this rarely solves the underlying problem. The more useful role is to help people recognise the pattern, understand what is happening and find a more constructive way forward.

Name the pattern, not the person

If you notice the same interaction happening repeatedly, describe what you are seeing without assigning blame. For example: “I’ve noticed that when this issue comes up, one of you raises the concern and the other immediately starts explaining why it happened. Then the concern gets repeated more strongly, and the conversation goes around in circles.”

This makes the pattern visible without labelling either person as “the critic” or “the defensive one”.

Bring the conversation back to the issue

When people become caught up in criticism and defensiveness, the original problem can disappear. Help them return to the specific issue: What happened? What was the impact? What does each person see differently? What needs to happen next?

Keeping the conversation grounded in facts and future actions can make it easier to move away from personal judgements and self-protection.

Give both sides space to be heard

It’s important that the person raising the concern feels able to do so, while the person receiving it has an opportunity to explain their perspective. One shouldn’t automatically cancel out the other.

Ask: “What do you need the other person to understand?” And then ask: “What would you like them to understand about your perspective?”

The aim is to make sure both people understand what the other is experiencing.

Challenge the behaviour when necessary

Sometimes the manager needs to be more direct. If criticism becomes personal or dismissive, address it. If someone repeatedly refuses to engage with legitimate feedback, address that too.

The message can be simple: “It’s okay to challenge the feedback. It’s not okay to dismiss the person giving it.”

Or: “You can explain your perspective, but I also need you to consider the feedback rather than immediately explaining why it isn’t your responsibility.”

This reinforces an important distinction: being accountable and being blamed are not the same thing, and being challenged is not the same as being attacked.

Help people change the pattern

Finally, don’t expect one conversation to fix an established dynamic. If criticism and defensiveness have become habitual, people may need to practise responding differently.

Encourage small mindset shifts: focus on the issue rather than the person; get curious before becoming defensive; ask questions before making assumptions; and pause when emotions start to take over.

The manager’s role is to create a team where people can notice these patterns, interrupt them and get back to having the conversation that actually needs to happen.

Key takeaways

  • Criticism isn’t the same as feedback. Healthy teams need people who can raise concerns, challenge ideas and address problems. Criticism becomes problematic when the focus shifts from the behaviour to a judgement about the person.
  • Criticism can be experienced even when it isn’t intended. Context, tone, history and relationships all influence how feedback is received. A reasonable comment can still feel personal to someone who already feels under pressure or judged.
  • Criticism and defensiveness can create a cycle. One person feels criticised and becomes defensive; the other experiences that defensiveness as unwillingness to listen and pushes harder. Recognising the cycle is the first step towards breaking it.
  • Defensiveness is often a protective response. Explaining yourself or correcting a misunderstanding isn’t inherently defensive. The problem comes when protecting ourselves becomes more important than listening to what the other person is saying.
  • Patterns can become automatic. Criticism and defensiveness can develop into habits within individuals, relationships and teams. Once a pattern is established, people may start reacting to what they expect rather than to what is actually being said.
  • Curiosity creates space for a different response. Before defending yourself, try to understand the other person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with the feedback to be curious about it.
  • Managers don’t need to decide who is right. When criticism and defensiveness become a team pattern, a manager can help people name the pattern, return to the issue and find a more constructive way forward.
  • The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreement. Successful teams need challenge, feedback and accountability. The goal is to make sure these don’t become personal — and that people can address difficult issues without damaging the relationships they depend on.
  • The mindset shift is simple, but not always easy: focus on the issue, not the person; and get curious before getting defensive.
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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at Work: 4 Behaviours That Can Damage Relationships

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This post explores the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — four behaviours that can quietly undermine teamwork — and shares practical tips for recognising them and turning difficult conversations into more constructive ones.

  • Reading time
  • 7 Minutes
  • Target audience
  • Team leaders, managers and professionals who want to build healthier, more effective teams.

Beyond clear goals, good processes and effective leadership (among other things), the quality of the relationships within the team is fundamental to its health and success. Healthy teams are able to disagree, challenge ideas and have difficult conversations. When people feel able to speak openly, listen to different perspectives and address problems constructively, disagreements can lead to better decisions and stronger relationships. When those interactions become personal, defensive or dismissive, the same conversations can gradually erode trust and collaboration.

Of course, communicating well is relatively easy when things are going well. Most teams can share information, coordinate tasks and have constructive conversations when there’s little at stake. The real test comes when the conversation is difficult — when someone has made a mistake, expectations haven’t been met, opinions clash or emotions start to run high. It’s in these moments that the quality of our working relationships really shows.

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Psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman identified four behaviours that can be particularly damaging to relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Gottman developed this framework through research into intimate relationships rather than workplace teams, so we shouldn’t assume that his findings automatically apply to the world of work. However, the four behaviours themselves are surprisingly familiar in professional settings — and they offer a useful way of recognising patterns that can undermine trust, communication and teamwork.

This 2-minute video introduces them nicely.

So, what are the Four Horsemen — and what do they look like in a workplace?

The Four Horsemen are four patterns of behaviour that can gradually undermine relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

They don’t necessarily appear in every difficult conversation, and seeing one of them occasionally doesn’t mean a team has a serious problem. The concern is when these behaviours become habitual responses to disagreement, frustration or conflict.

So, what do they look like in practice?

The Four Horsemen can show up in surprisingly ordinary workplace conversations. Often, they’re not dramatic. They can be as simple as the way we phrase a comment, respond to feedback or react when someone challenges our point of view.

Criticism turns a discussion about a problem into an attack on the person. Instead of addressing what happened, we focus on what’s supposedly wrong: “You never listen,” “You always make things more complicated,” or “You’re not taking this seriously.”

Defensiveness is what happens when we respond to a perceived criticism by protecting ourselves rather than engaging with the issue. We make excuses, shift the blame or explain why it wasn’t really our responsibility: “It wasn’t my fault,” “Nobody told me,” or “What about the three times you did the same thing?”

Contempt goes a step further. It communicates that we see ourselves as superior to the other person. Sarcasm, ridicule, eye-rolling, dismissive comments, etc.

Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation rather than engaging with it. In the workplace, this can mean going silent, avoiding a difficult discussion, refusing to respond to concerns, or simply disengaging when things become uncomfortable.

Why the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse matter in the workplace

We have all probably displayed these 4 toxic behaviours at some point. We’re human, and difficult conversations can bring out the worst in us, particularly when we’re under pressure, frustrated or feeling challenged.. And whether you want to call them “the 4 horsemen” or “the 4 team toxins”, these behaviours matter in the workplace – and in a very tangible way.

The problem isn’t an occasional moment of criticism, defensiveness, contempt or withdrawal. The real concern is when these behaviours become patterns — ways of responding to disagreement or difficult conversations that people come to expect from one another.

And those patterns matter.

When the quality of interpersonal relationships starts to deteriorate, communication usually suffers too. People become less willing to speak openly, share ideas or raise concerns. Collaboration becomes harder, misunderstandings increase and problems that could have been resolved quickly are left to grow.

Over time, this can affect much more than the atmosphere in the team. Tasks and projects can take longer, quality can suffer and productivity can decline. Motivation, commitment and team spirit can erode, while frustration and destructive conflict become more common.

At its worst, a team can reach a point where people no longer feel respected, heard or valued. Stress increases, good people disengage, and eventually some may decide that they’ve simply had enough.

If we want teams to perform at their best, we need to pay attention not just to what people are saying, but to how they communicate when things get challenging. The Four Horsemen give us a useful framework for recognising those patterns — and, importantly, for doing something about them.

What can managers do about the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Identifying these behaviours is a useful first step. The next step is to learn to shift your mindset when necessary and respond differently.

1. Focus on the issue, not the person

When you’re frustrated, it’s easy to turn a specific problem into a judgement about someone’s character. Instead of thinking “Why are they always so defensive?”, try asking: “What exactly is the problem here, and what do we need to resolve?” This helps you move away from criticism and towards a conversation about facts, impact and solutions.

2. Get curious before getting defensive

When someone challenges you or gives you difficult feedback, your first instinct may be to explain, justify or defend yourself. Try pausing and asking: “What can I learn from what they’re saying?”

You don’t have to agree with everything you hear. Staying curious simply gives you a chance to understand the other person’s perspective before you respond.

3. Assume positive intent — but address negative impact

Not every difficult comment is meant badly. And even well-intentioned people can have a negative impact. Rather than judging someone’s motives, consider: “What might they have intended, and what was the impact?” This can help prevent conversations from becoming personal while still allowing you to address behaviour that needs to change.

4. Stay respectful when you disagree

Disagreement doesn’t have to mean disrespect. In fact, successful teams need people who are willing to challenge ideas and offer different perspectives. Try separating the idea from the person. You can strongly disagree with a proposal while still showing respect for the person who made it.

5. Don’t confuse taking a break with walking away

Sometimes a difficult conversation becomes too emotional or unproductive to continue. Taking some time out can be a healthy choice — provided you come back to the conversation. Instead of shutting down or avoiding the issue, try: “I think we need a bit of time to cool down. Can we come back to this at 3pm?” The mindset shift is from “I need to get out of this conversation” to “I need to pause so we can have a better conversation.”

6. Ask yourself what you are contributing

The Four Horsemen aren’t just something we need to spot in other people. We should also be willing to recognise them in ourselves. When a conversation starts going badly, ask yourself: “What am I doing right now that is helping — or making things worse?” That small pause can be enough to change the direction of a conversation.

7. Replace “winning” with “understanding”

Difficult workplace conversations can easily become about proving that we’re right, defending our position or getting the other person to admit they’re wrong.

A more productive question is: “What would a good outcome for both of us look like?” That doesn’t mean compromising on everything. It means approaching the conversation as a shared problem to solve rather than a competition about who’s right.

Key takeaways

  • Healthy teams don’t avoid difficult conversations. They create an environment where people can disagree, challenge ideas and raise concerns respectfully.
  • The Four Horsemen are behaviours, not labels. We can all become critical, defensive, dismissive or withdrawn when we’re under pressure. The important thing is to recognise the pattern and change our response.
  • Pay attention to patterns, not isolated incidents. An occasional difficult interaction is normal. It’s when unhelpful behaviours become habitual that they can start to damage trust and collaboration.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. Address what happened, its impact and what needs to change rather than making it about someone’s character or intentions.
  • Stay curious when you feel challenged. You don’t have to agree with someone to listen, understand their perspective and consider what you might learn.
  • Disagreement and respect can coexist. Successful teams need different opinions. The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict, but to handle it constructively.
  • Take a pause when necessary — but don’t avoid the conversation. Stepping away can help people reset. The important thing is to return and engage.
  • Look at your own behaviour too. The Four Horsemen aren’t just something to spot in other people. Ask yourself what you are contributing to the conversation.
  • Aim for understanding, not winning. The best difficult conversations aren’t about proving who is right. They’re about finding a way forward that allows the team and the working relationship to succeed.
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Virtual training v. face-to-face training: How does it compare?

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James Culver is a partner at Target Training Gmbh and has 25 years of experience in delivering customized training solutions. His career has encompassed being a HR Training Manager, a Major in the US Army National Guard and a lecturer at the International School of Management. He’s also a talented percussionist and storyteller. In the final part of this series of blog posts on Virtual Training delivery, he answered the following questions…

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You have 25 years’ experience in training delivery. When did you start delivering virtual training?

James Since the 90s. In the United States we started very early with virtual delivery in the community college system. We often had remote sites of small groups of students who still wanted to take advantage of the kinds of courses that we would offer on the main campus, so we started delivering virtual training . When I started working with virtual training it was extremely expensive to do some of this work. Our system was basically a camera set-up and the professor or the trainer was just speaking to the camera. There was very little interaction available with the other sites and it was like TV school.

How would you say that virtual delivery compares with face-to-face delivery?

James There are probably two things to think about. One is the content that one delivers and the other is the context. By context I mean everything that surrounds the content. How things are being done, who is interacting with whom and how they are interacting – the richness of the communication. As far as content is concerned, the topic that’s covered, the information that’s shared, I’d say virtual delivery and face-to-face delivery compare quite favourably. In fact, the virtual platforms that we use at Target Training are tailor made for delivering lots of content in interesting ways. It’s very easy to add videos, recordings, to have whiteboards etc. For example, if we have content that is pre-prepared on a slide and made available to people, they can annotate it, they can put questions there etc. That’s really, really easy on a virtual platform.

What is harder most of the time is everything that we get from being in the same room as someone. Facial expression change, body language changes. We often don’t see or get that in a virtual environment, even with the market-leading systems. The challenge as a trainer is that we risk missing  a large chunk of the information that we would get from participants in a classic face-to-face training session. That is a major challenge. As a trainer in face-to-face training I have a feel for how things are going because I’m in the room. It’s much more difficult to have a feel for how things are going, when you’re in a virtual environment. And you need that “feel” so you can adjust and give the participants the best possible learning experience.

What are your workaround strategies for that?

James There are workaround strategies and through external and internal training and on-the-job experience our  trainers use them. One strategy is that you have to ask a lot of open and closed ‘check questions.’ Questions like “Are you with me?”, “Is that clear?”, “So what are the key points you’re taking from this?”, “What are your questions so far?” Experienced virtual trainers will ask those kinds of questions every 2 to 3 minutes.  Essentially, as a trainer you have a 2 to 3 minute time limit for your input before you ask a check question, and the check questions should be both open to the group and targeted at an individual too.

Which training themes lend themselves best to virtual delivery and which don’t?

James The themes that lend themselves best to virtual delivery are those that are more content focused – for example classic presentation skills training or presentations delivered virtually.  These types of training solutions focus on input, tips, do’s and don’ts, best practice sharing and then practice-feedback -practice – feedback etc.

Another theme that works very well for us when delivered virtually is virtual team training, whether it be working in virtual teams or leading virtual teams. By their very nature, virtual teams are dispersed so the virtual delivery format fits naturally. Plus, you are training them using the tools they need to master themselves. And of course, another benefit is if the training is for a specific virtual team the shared training experience strengthens the team itself.

The types of training solutions that are more challenging when delivered virtually are those where we are trying to change ourselves or others. Topics such as assertiveness or self-efficiency need to be thought through and developed carefully if they are going to be more than an information dump. Here the coaching aspect is far more important.

Finally, and perhaps surprisingly, management and leadership training can work really well when done virtually. Our Driving Performance solution is a good example of this. The secret here is to emphasize the bite-sized learning, provide additional resources outside the session e.g. flipped classrooms with relevant videos and articles, and provide opportunities for one-on-one conversations too.

More on virtual delivery

Please see the posts below, or start here.

 

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Resolving conflicts – putting the 3 questions into practice

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and in a recent post I shared 3 questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in a conflict situation. I appreciate that life isn’t as linear as a blog post and “3 questions” can come across as overly simplistic.  So, based on a personal example, in this post I’d like to share what the questions look like in the real world.

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The background and the situation

I work as a conflict mediator for a major EU institution and recently I was asked to travel to an African country. I was asked to mediate between a governmental body on one side and a large group of individuals from a very poor community on the other side. I’d travelled all the way from Luxembourg and when I arrived I called a meeting with all the individuals from this local community. I wanted to find out what was going on, what was the conflict about and learn much more about the history behind this conflict, the peoples’ interests etc. In other words, I wanted to find out Q1. What was actually going on, right in this moment?

It was Tuesday morning, I’d travelled a long way and was quite tired.  I was not exactly used to living or even being in such an area like this – slums would be the word many westerners would use,  police and army check points with machine guns pointing my way, sitting in a hot taxi, being asked for bribes. Together all of these things were making me nervous. I was definitely on unfamiliar ground and slightly tense … and there was NO-ONE at the meeting. Well, there were two people, but I had expected a hundred plus! My thoughts were “Come on, you were the ones who brought this HUGE conflict to me and my organisation’s attention. You said you wished it solved so we came, and now you are not even here! If this lethargy is typical of the community, how can I be that surprised by the destructive behaviours from the local authorities?!”

I started to get irritated, angry, and I could feel it growing. So I consciously took a deep breath, tried to clear my head and ask myself two questions – Q1 What was going on?  and Q2 How did I feel?

Understanding yourself is the basis for resolving conflicts

The first thing that came to my mind was: “If I return to Europe and we have made no progress at all to try to solve this conflict my reputation and possibly my career will be in danger.”  In other words, I was experiencing fear. The second thing that went through my mind is “I am quite angry. I spent time coming down here, and you are not even here! What sort of respect, or lack of, is that?”

I felt I had answered the first and the second question but knew something was missing. How did I really feel about it? Well, in this moment I did fear for my personal career AND I thought I felt angry because I felt the locals were disrespecting me and my efforts. I asked myself the question again and tried to look more closely into myself.  Angry was how I was acting but when I thought things through more I realised the actual emotion for me, in this situation, was more like disappointment. I wanted to help and had expected more.

BUT, did the above reflections and emotions really give me a picture of what that little ‘meeting conflict’ was about? No, It didn’t!

The role of culture in conflicts

I looked again at what was going on… A meeting had been called. People were late, but then again, it’s Africa! They were running on ‘African time’ and I was running on ‘European time’.  So it wasn’t personal nor was it a sign or rejection towards the mediation. We were just from two different cultures, with different expectations when it comes to time and punctuality. As for the risk of my career. Well, that is a systemic risk. It is always there, but it has nothing to do with the punctuality conflict at hand. I had 2 people out of a 100 for a meeting. That was a conflict, because 2 out of a 100 wouldn’t be able to give me a viable and  complete picture of the conflict, nor could they be seen as representative of the local community which was required for the mediation to be effective. This conflict was however not at all related to a systemic risk back at home. As for the potential behaviour of the local authorities, that also wasn’t related to the conflict going on at this very moment. This was the norm.

My brain seemed to be working again …

Managing your 3 brains so they work together

Simply put our brain is split in three parts, the Neocortex (the reflective and analytical  part and also the newest part), the Limbic System  (the emotional part, experienced through our emotions) and the Brainstem (sometimes called the reptilian part which governs flight or flight instincts). By forcing myself to ask and re-ask the 2 questions (What is it actually going on, right in this moment?, and How do you feel in this moment?) I had effectively de-escalated myself. I had helped my struggling brain to work as a whole and not get stuck in the lower brain parts. I could calm myself down so I could engage effectively in the meeting … when it finally started.

By the way people did actually turn up. After one and a half hours!

That just left me with the last question … How was I going to turn the conflict?

For more information

Target Training has been delivering a range of conflict-related training solutions for the last 15 years. This includes “Handling critical conflict situations” and “Managing conflicts in virtual teams” . We also offer individual and team coaching solutions.

About the author

Preben is a professional mediator and conflict manager. He focuses on human interactions, such as management and leadership, intercultural relationships and interpersonal communication. Until recently he was a welcomed part of Target Training and today works for a major European institution. In his private life he enjoys karate, hiking and climbing.

 

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5 things you can do to make virtual training a success

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E-learning has been around since 1960 and the “virtual meeting room” is not a new idea either. Many companies already have experience with learning via online platforms or mobile learning, and already have some type of tool to meet and collaborate virtually.  The jump from meeting virtually to training virtually seems simple – and it is, if you carefully consider what it will take to make the virtual training successful. Here are a few things we have learned during 7 years of virtual delivery. The posts 5 questions you definitely need to ask when you are setting up a virtual training program and getting started with virtual delivery have more information on this topic.

 

 

Work with a trainer who can design, deliver and debrief with confidence in a virtual environment

Clients come to us with the experience they have with face-to-face training. They know what they can achieve in a one-day seminar and they are looking to transfer this experience to a virtual training environment. However, not everything is directly transferable. In a face-to-face session a trainer observes, reacts and adapts on the fly. They constantly monitor what’s working, and what isn’t, what people are getting and what not etc. In a way, the trainer “feels” how the training is going. With virtual delivery, trainers have less opportunity to do that.  A common response for the trainer is to focus a lot more on the content rather than the training dynamics … which can turn the training into a lecture.

Virtual training demands trainers with new skills, qualifications and experience. You need an experienced trainer who can design, deliver and debrief with confidence in a virtual environment.

Create time for interactions

As touched upon above, in a face-to-face seminar it’s easy and natural for interactions to occur – either with the trainer or between participants.  When you deliver training virtually this becomes much harder. Don’t assume that interaction will occur easily. It’s much more challenging for groups to actually get together and get a feel for each other in a virtual environment. An experienced and qualified trainer finds workarounds: Interactions are planned, activities are scripted carefully and more time is allocated for group and pair activities.

Keep the training groups small

The difficulty level of enabling and encouraging interaction means that smaller groups (not larger groups) are a must in a virtual environment. Our experience is if you want to go beyond knowledge transfer to building skills and changing behaviours, a group of 6 is ideal. The more participants you have beyond 6, the harder the interaction becomes, and the more likely it is that somebody tunes out and/or starts multi-tasking – and the more time the trainer needs to spend on monitoring and controlling the technical environment and not focusing on the individuals themselves.

For groups above 8 you should use a skilled and experienced “producer”. A producer supports the trainer in managing the virtual environment, monitoring interactions, setting up breakout rooms and maintaining speed, flow and interaction etc.  An experienced technical producer can easily enable the trainer to work with 12+ participants.

Deliver several sessions of max. 2.5 hours instead of one long session

A full day face-to-face seminar won’t translate into a full-day virtual seminar. People can’t concentrate for that long in a virtual environment. Our experience is that 2 – 2 ½ hours is the maximum length for a single session. This means that you should be thinking about three 2-hour virtual sessions to equal one day of face-to-face training.  You can cover a similar amount of training in the same time BUT if you are delivering the training virtually you have to redesign the approach and split it up and break it down.

Plan carefully, when working with multiple time zones

One benefit of virtual training is that anyone anywhere can join. We encourage you not to get carried away with that. It may save you money but you will lose the full effectiveness of the training. In our experience, it’s a huge challenge for the participants and the trainer when some are joining at six in the morning, some during the post-lunch lull, and some at six in the evening. Respecting people’s concentration spans and environments will pay off in the end.

 

For more information

If you are new to virtual delivery, looking to ramp up your virtual delivery or interested in making your virtual training more interactive and valuable then find an experienced partner or a consultant. We could be the one for you, who knows. If you’re thinking of starting with virtual training put out an RFP, be clear about what you want to achieve and ask for suppliers to tell you what you need in order to make it work.

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Getting started with virtual delivery

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Although many professionals, managers and training managers know of virtual delivery there is still some confusion as to what it is and how it works.  Here are some common questions we get asked when supporting our clients in integrating virtual training into their learning strategies. For more information on this topic, see also 5 questions you definitely need to ask when you are setting up a virtual training program.

What do we mean when we talk about virtual training or virtual delivery?

Virtual training (also known as virtual delivery or remote delivery) is training where one or more of the participants is not in the same room as the trainer.  Training is delivered using one of the many “unified communication platforms”. This term includes web conferencing tools such as WebEx Training Center, Adobe Connect,  Go Meeting or Skype for Business and video conferencing services such as BlueJeans or Polycom.

People often think of virtual training as an international solution. For example, we’ve delivered a virtual session with the trainer based in Frankfurt, Germany and having participants in Hawaii, Boston, Luxembourg and Singapore.  However, if you have a trainer in one location on a site and you have participants on the same site/same country but in different rooms – that’s virtual training too.

How does virtual delivery differ from e-learning or webinars?

These terms are often defined by a training supplier’s marketing department, but typically most L&D professionals will agree that:

  • E-learning is led by the learner and there is no live trainer.  The learning is self-paced through interacting with a computer-aided learning program. A simple example is Duolingo as an app for language learning. SkillSoft is an examples of e-learning aimed at developing your soft skills.
  • A webinar is speaker-led and has probably about 50 people maximum – although some webinars have hundreds in the audience. The webinar is delivered through video or a video conferencing platform online and the presenter is talking most of the time. At the end he or she has the ability to take questions and if they are using a producer they can engineer interactive moments e.g. asking for input via a poll during the webinar.
  • Virtual training is a trainer plus participants. Ideally the training is interactive, engaging and adaptive the needs of the participants.

What does virtual training give you that a webinar doesn’t?

Put simply, virtual training is about learning through interaction, engagement and personalization – it is active learning. This includes learning from the trainer, learning from personal experiences and from each other via e.g. discussions and experience sharing. Webinars are comparable with lectures or online presentations – learning is passive and based solely around the speaker and the content they are sharing.

How many participants can you train virtually at the same time?

Surprisingly, many people assume that virtual means more participants.  This is often based around experiences in webinars with 50 people plus. In a face-to-face training seminar, we would never try and deliver training to 50 participants in the same room.  Typically, we suggest 8-12 participants with 14 being a maximum.  Years of experience have shown us that an ideal number for highly-interactive virtual training is about 6-8 people. With a small group like this you can make sure that people have a chance to interact with each other in a more intimate way, using options like breakout rooms found in the more functional platforms such as WebEx Training Center or Adobe Connect. These breakout rooms offer the same benefits as integrating small group activities in a training room. This interaction is really important because a lot of the value of training, whether it’s virtual or face-to-face, is the interaction that the participants have with each other. They don’t just learn from the trainer but through each other too!

What is a producer and why do we need one?

A producer ensures that the virtual training runs smoothly and supports the virtual trainer in delivering an interactive, personalized and above all smooth training experience. This allows the trainer to manage up to 50% larger training groups too e.g. 8-12 participants. Their role includes:

  • providing technical support to participants before, during and after the training
  • setting up break out rooms, polls etc
  • monitoring engagement and contributions in chats and break out rooms
  • modelling activities
  • time checks with the trainer and participants

For more information

At Target Training we offer all of our solutions in a virtual format too. This includes in-house Business English with our Virtual InCorporate Trainer , Presenting in a virtual environment and Working in and Leading virtual teams. If you would like to know more about our virtual solutions, save time and money and extend your training reach then please contact us. Finally, see here to read more about delivering training virtually.

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6 Reasons Why You Should Eliminate Jargon From Your Presentations

Presentations are all about communicating your message efficiently to your audience. You want to be considered as an authority on the subject matter. You might think that using jargon – shorthand words that are used in companies that operate in particular industries – will impress your audience and get them engaged. It’s more likely though, that they are having the opposite effect, especially if your audience’s second language is English. Target Training previously discussed the use of silence in presentations, and the same applies in eliminating jargon. To know more, below are the reasons why…

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1. You Will Be Difficult to Understand

When used in the context of a work environment, technical terms act as shorthand between team members that make them work faster. Forbes notes that it’s a quick way to communicate. But when presenting to other departments or people outside your company, they are just words that typically sound complicated and daunting. . Menlo Coaching emphasised that you need to say exactly what you mean by using words and phrases that your audience will easily comprehend. Try to keep them as concise as possible.

2. Your Presentation Will Have No Recall Value

Even if there are people in the audience who are familiar with the technical terms you use, they will see right through you. They might get the notion that you are using catch phrases to make the topic (and yourself) more impressive. They will walk away from your presentation learning nothing new. If you really need to use jargon, make sure to elaborate on what you are trying to explain or give an example.

3. Jargon Will Lower People’s Opinion Of You

If you are the project leader and you’re teaching your team, the use of jargon might demoralize them. At best, they will see you as someone not considerate enough to deliver a talk that they can clearly and easily understand.

4. Your Audience Will Get Bored

When your presentation becomes incomprehensible due to too much jargon, boredom will soon set in. Their minds will wander to matters that take more priority. It may also lead to audience members chatting, which can generate noise that distracts others. Get their attention by stringing along words in a new way that they haven’t heard before. You have to be creative – and perhaps entertaining – to gain the audience’s attention.

5. You Will Alienate Your Audience

If you are trying to rally the members in the audience to a specific goal, you will lose them from both an emotional and logical standpoint. Even if they understood the message, they won’t have the drive to achieve it and vice versa. Leadership trainer Alan Matthews recommends stating your message in definite terms and allowing your audience to formulate the necessary actions/response. This will make them feel personally involved in the presentation.

6. The Presentation Will Waste People’s Time

Using generic and non-contextual phrases that confound the audience will make it seem like you’re just droning. You need to prioritize re-evaluating your presentation. Filter out all the jargon and try to limit the number of words in each sentence to deliver their basic meaning. Members of the audience may ask you to expound on some parts, but that’s better than leaving them drowning in a flood of corporate speak.

If you still think your use of jargon is effective, at least send a survey to the audience to get a gauge on your presentation style. If there appears to be a mismatch between the messages you are conveying and their perceptions, then maybe it’s time to toss that jargon glossary out the window.

About the author

Jean Browne works as a researcher and fact-checker for a career coaching firm in England. She occasionally engages in public speaking when giving seminars. In her spare time, she does freelance work as an events host and bingo caller, among others.

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What should I do with my hands during a presentation?

Whether you are presenting, telling a story or just talking, how you use hands (or don’t use them) is important. An analysis of TED talks found that the most popular TED talkers were using 465 hand gestures over 18 minutes – compared to the least popular using just 272. Other research shows that gestures – more than actions themselves – impact our understanding of meaning. Put simply, you need to unleash the power of gestures when you present.

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Your hands give you away (4 things not to do)

We have all seen somebody standing in front of a large group of people, trying to remain calm and hide their nervousness, and their hands giving them away. We can see they’re nervous and uncomfortable. When presenting, don’t:

  1. Keep them in your pockets. This will usually come across to your audience as too casual and is often perceived by people at as you trying to hide your hands because of nervousness. Like it or not, it is best to keep your hands out in the open for the world to see.
  2. Keep them in behind you. Hiding them behind your back can this makes you look distant and reserved or even uninterested in the people you are talking to.
  3. Place them on your hips. A stance with both hands on the hips will, more than likely, seem aggressive or authoritarian and definitely will not win you any friends in your audience.
  4. Hold them together. You’ll look as if you are defending yourself and come across as unconfident and vulnerable. Crossing them can achieve the same result too.

4 Things to do with your hands when presenting

When you are presenting, the focus should be on you. Therefore, use everything in your arsenal to ensure your audience is interested and informed. By using your body to help emphasize your words, your presentation becomes more dynamic, and your audience is more likely to remember your message. Use your hands and arms; don’t leave them at your sides. Be aware of your body and how it can help you.

Open up

If you maintain a closed stance, the audience may suspect you are hiding something and won’t trust you. Remember not to cross your arms or to keep them too close together. You are not a T-Rex, so don’t keep your elbows glued to your ribs. Claim the space and show your hands.

Use broad gestures

These should fit with what you are saying and not be used randomly. You know what you are going to say, so now decide how you are going to say it. Your body is an extension of your voice, so it is important to use confident gestures while you are practicing your presentation. With practice, the gestures will become more natural and a part of your dynamic speaking style. Use your hands to emphasize, to contrast or even to convey emotions in your story.

Show an open palm

By keeping your hands open and showing the audience your open palms, you are showing you have nothing to hide. The audience are more likely to feel they can trust you, and that you are sincere in your message.

The Palm Sideways

This is like holding your hand as though you were going to shake another person’s hand. This gesture is used to impress upon the audience the point you are making. You are opening up your message and showing them what is inside. You can also use this to point … without using your finger.

Videos

And keep in mind that you don’t necessarily need to be flamboyant and bounce around. You just need to be authentically you! This Target Training video from James Culver on storytelling  is a great example of how smaller and gentle movements can be natural and still reinforce the message.

What to do with your hands when you’re presenting

Two excellent and short video displaying tips and tricks.

 

4 essential tips

From the 2014 Toastmasters International world champion of public speaking Dananjaya Hettiarachchi.  You may feel that Hettiarachchi is a little theatrical for a business scenario, but the 4 tips are directly transferable!

Body language

This video is longer (just under 14 minutes) but comprehensive.  It covers all areas of body language when presenting and is definitely worth watching.

If you’d like more tips on presenting in general…

We have 37 blog posts related to presenting on our blog. Two further eBooks on presentations are available to download in the sidebar: “Presentation Models” and “Presenting with IMPACT.” Or, one of our seminars on this topic might be just what you need:

 

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Watch, listen and learn: 3 great TEDx talks on listening

Many of our communication skills seminars involve practical listening activities, and occasionally we get requests solely for listening skills. But it’s arguably wrong to see listening as one of many “communication skills” – listening is so much more fundamental than that. Listening builds trust, strengthens relationships, and resolves conflicts. It’s fundamental in everything we do. In a HBR article “the discipline of listening”, Ram Charan shared what many of us already know: Not every manager is a great listener. Charan’s own “knowledge of corporate leaders’ 360-degree feedback indicates that one out of four leaders has a listening deficit, “the effects of which can paralyze cross-unit collaboration, sink careers, and if it’s the CEO with the deficit, derail the company.” Good managers need to know how to listen – and great managers know how to listen well. And because we know you’re busy we’ve taken the time to find 3 TEDx talks for you listen to.

New Call-to-actionThe power of listening with William Ury

William Ury is the co-author of “Getting to Yes”, the bestselling negotiation book in the world. This is a great video exploring what genuine listening really is, why it’s so important and how to take our first steps to improving our listening.  He explains why he feels that listening is “the golden key to opening doors to human relationships” and why the skill of listening needs to be actively practiced every day. Ury uses stories of conversations with presidents and business leaders to show the simple power of listening: how it helps us understand the other person, how it helps us connect and build rapport and trust, and how it makes it more likely that you’ll be listened to too.

 

The Power of Deliberate Listening with Ronnie Polaneczky

Grabbing our attention with the shocking story of an angry reader, journalist Ronnie Polaneczky expands on why we need to consciously and actively practice our “listening muscle”. By practicing deliberate listening and putting aside our own judgements we can discover things we don’t know that we don’t know.  She moves beyond the obvious “techniques” (e.g. look them in the eye, nod your head and repeat back what you’ve heard) and challenges us to think about letting go of positions (e.g. “I want to be right”) and embracing learning – letting go of our need to judge. She closes with the personal impact listening has – it doesn’t just change the person being listened to – it changes the listener.

A Case for Active Listening with Jason Chare

You may find this talk far removed from a business environment, but active listening skills are essential for those managers wanting to build a coaching approach. Jason Chare, a professional counselor, shares his experiences with an audience of teachers.  The second half (around the ninth minute) begins to look at specific strategies and attitudes – especially the importance of unconditional positive regard and listening with empathy.  Check out this article on “Three ways leaders can listen with more empathy” too!

More listening resources for you …

And if you’d like to know more about how you can further develop your or your team’s listening skills then please don’t hesitate to contact us. We’d love to listen to you.

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Making sure managers understand the importance of their role in developing our staff

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This month’s Secret L&D manager is Australian, based in Germany and works for an American corporation which produces machine vision systems and software.  He has worked in training and development for over 18 years – as an L&D manager, an in-house trainer and as an external training provider.

New Call-to-actionWhat are your challenges as an L&D manager?

One of the things that’s burning at the moment is helping the managers I work with see the role they play in developing people.  This is not a question of lack of willingness on their side – just a lack of awareness of the role they can and should play. For example, most of the time if they know that Dieter needs to improve his presentation skills, they send him on one of the 2-day presentation courses we run. When Dieter gets back, they expect that they can tick a box and say, “Well, Dieter can present now.” This is a start, but it isn’t good enough. It is not enough for them to assume that the training department or the training provider is going to solve everything alone. I need to help them see their role in developing their staff’s skills.

How do you see the manager’s role in developing their staff?

If we look at the 70-20-10 model, just 10% of the change will come from the training itself. 20% is when Dieter is learning from his colleagues, sharing ideas and giving each other tips and feedback. BUT, the other 70% will come from just getting up there and doing it (best of course, if supplemented with feedback and guidance where required). If the manager wants somebody to get better at a skill, they need to make sure there is plenty of opportunity for that person to actually use that skill, give them support and guidance and let them use what they are learning. This is clearly in the manager’s hands.  I want our managers to be realistic in their expectations and see the role that they play in the developmental process. We work together.

How do you see your role in this?

I have a number of roles. I work to identify current and future training needs. I then organize practical training with training providers who are going to deliver what we need and challenge the participants to really improve.  I also need to help our managers understand their role in developing our staff and encourage them to see training as a collaborative effort between them, the employee, us in L&D, and the training providers.  And of course, the person getting the training needs to take some responsibility and ownership for their own development – and I can offer advice and support here too, both before and after the “formal” training. Our experts need to be present in the training and they need to actively look to use what they have learned and practiced after the training too. And again, this is where their manager plays an important role.

Who is the secret L&D manager?

The “secret L&D manager” is actually a group of L&D managers. They are real people who would prefer not to mention their name or company – but do want to write anonymously so they can openly and directly share their ideas and experience with peers.

You can meet more of our secret L&D managers here …

And if you’d like to share your thoughts and experiences without sharing your name or company then please get in touch.

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50 ways to start a conversation in English at work

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Socializing and networking doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Whether it be a language issue  or a question of skills and behaviors, many professionals struggle when networking and socializing with new people. How do you start a conversation when you walk into a meeting room and there are a lot of people you don’t know? Introducing yourself is the obvious first step: “Hi, my name’s Renate and I’m a member of the purchasing team.” … Easy… but what comes next?  If you are shy this can be awkward in your own language –  AND doing it in a foreign language can be really challenging!  Our InCorporate Trainers often find that seemingly small challenges such as this can cause an unnecessary amount of pressure. A few trainers have come up with 50 phrases to help you break the ice and start a conversation. Many of the phrases can be used in any context – but some are only used in certain situations. You don’t need to remember them all just pick the ones you feel comfortable with and can say naturally.
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Collecting someone from reception

  1. Did you have any problems finding us?
  2. Did you find the parking area ok?
  3. How are things going?
  4. I like your laptop bag. Where did you get it?
  5. Do you know…?
  6. What are you hoping to get out of today?
  7. How was your weekend?
  8. Did you hear that…?
  9. What have you been up to lately?
  10. Are many of your colleagues coming today?

Waiting for the presentation/meeting to start

  1. Is it OK if I sit here?
  2. I don’t think we’ve met before. My name is…
  3. Where are you from?
  4. I think you were at the XXX meeting last month, weren’t you?
  5. Do you know what the Wi-Fi code is?
  6. When did you arrive?
  7. What brings you here today?
  8. How was your journey?
  9. Nice weather / terrible weather, isn’t it?
  10. I could really use a coffee. Do you know where the machine is?

During the coffee break

  1. Do you mind if I join you?
  2. How’s the coffee?
  3. Can I pour you a coffee?
  4. What do you think of it so far?
  5. I was a bit late this morning; did I miss anything in the first 10 minutes?
  6. Which department are you in?
  7. Don’t you work with…?
  8. I can’t believe how many people are here today.
  9. Do you find it hot in here?
  10. I found it interesting that XX said …?

During lunch

  1. Is this seat taken?
  2. So, what do you think of this morning?
  3. Have you eaten here before?
  4. How’s your steak / fish etc.?
  5. Have you had a good day so far?
  6. Do you know many people here?
  7. Do you know what the program is for this afternoon?
  8. How did you get into this business?
  9. What do you do?
  10. Did you travel in today or come last night?

After a presentation/meeting

  1. What did you think of today?
  2. What’s been the highlight of the day for you?
  3. What have you learned today?
  4. I liked what xxx said about yyy.
  5. How’s today been for you?
  6. What do you think about…?
  7. What are you working on at the moment?
  8. How long have you been working here?
  9. Are you taking a taxi to the hotel/ train station / airport ?
  10. Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Even more resources

You’ve now got 50 practical phrases and of course there are  many, many more. Here are 5 more tips for you.

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The power of putting yourself in their shoes when influencing people

 

When we run seminars on influencing skills we typically start off by exploring a couple of fundamental questions – one of them being how do people feel about the idea of influencing others and being influenced?  Over the years we’ve had a surprising range of responses including “If I’m the manager why must I influence -people should just do what I say” to “influencing is manipulating” to “I’m open to new ideas and approaches – but our colleagues in the order management department aren’t!”. As a trainer these are always great places to start – opinions are on the table and we can openly discuss them. When we dig deeper these opinions often link into personal experiences of how people have influenced (or not). So how do people influence each other?

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The two influencing styles – pushing and pulling

Broadly speaking there are two approaches to influencing people – to push and to pull. When we “push” we are directive. We know what we want to see happen, where we want to go, what needs to be different etc. And when we “pull” we are looking for a joint agreement, for collaboration, discussion, commitment.  There are different pushing styles and pulling styles, plus strategies, tactics and skills to learn BUT neither approach is inherently wrong. Influencing and manipulating draw on the same skills but with different intents.  They both have pros and cons– and neither approach work without considering other key factors too.

Factors to consider when seeking to influence somebody

When we try to influence somebody it helps to take a step back and reflect on what we know.  What is the environment, the situation, the relationship and most importantly – what do you know about who you are trying to influence? How successful you’ll be always depends upon what you know about the other person. Examples of practical questions to ask yourself when trying to influence somebody include:

  • how do they see things?
  • what is their context?
  • how they communicate?
  • how do they like to be communicated with?
  • how do they take in information and make decisions?
  • what are their experiences – with me, with change, with the theme I’m talking about
  • what turns then on? What turns them off??
  • what do they want to happen, not want to happen and why?
  • what are their hopes and fears?
  • Who else has an influence upon them? and does this influence help or hinder?
  • What is in it for them? their colleagues? Their organization?

First seek to understand the other person – a transcultural truth

The more you understand the person you are seeking to influence the more effectively you can influence them. As dale Carnegie said in How to win friends and influence people “I love strawberries. But whenever I go fishing I bait my hook with worms. This is because fish like worms – not strawberries.”

In English we have expression like put yourself in their shoes, put yourself in their place, see the world through their eyes and walk a mile in their shoes.  And of course the idea of putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes is transcultural!  Germans say eine Meile in seinen Schuhen gehen, Italians mettersi nei miei panni, French se mettre à la place de quelqu’un … All cultures- whether it be Europe, the Americas, Africa or Asia and the Pacific have similar expressions.

Put simply, if you want to influence somebody then seek to understand where they are and who they are.  Start by understanding their situation, use your emotional and social intelligence and then adapt.

And if, like me, you’ve got the song “Walk a mile in my shoes” going around in your head now .. here it is.

 

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The importance of asking investigative questions in negotiations – and how to do this in English

There are times in negotiations when we can be too focused on our own position. If we want to get the best outcome then we need to find out why the other side asks what it asks, offers what it offers, and wants what it wants. One of the most effective ways of doing this is by adopting an “investigative mindset” – and then actively listening to what is (or is not) said. Harvard Business School Professors Deepak Malhotra and Max Bazerman set out 5 key principles that underpin this method. This post provides a simple overview of the 5 principles, offers useful phrases for those looking to further improve their business English, and closes with some great suggestions for further reading.

The big (free) eBook of negotiations language

 

Find out what your counterparts want – and why they want it

Asking questions to uncover needs and priorities is essential in any negotiation.  The sooner you can find out what your counterparts wants AND WHY they want it, the sooner you can build solutions. Malhotra and Bazerman give the example of an US pharmaceutical company  negotiating exclusive rights for an ingredient from a small European supplier. Despite the pharma company’s best offers, the supplier refused to agree to exclusivity. It was clear the smaller company had no chance of securing such a large order from any other customer – so what was going on?

With the negotiation in deadlock the American negotiator decided to ask a simple question “Why wouldn’t they grant exclusivity?” The reason was equally simple – the supplier was selling a small amount of the ingredient to a family member who needed it to manufacture a product sold locally. A new offer was made and quickly accepted – the European firm would provide exclusivity except for a small annual amount for the supplier’s cousin.

Discover your counterparts’ constraints – and then help them relieve them

Whenever we go into a negotiation we always have limits. In fact having your BATNA clear up front is a must if you don’t want to leave the negotiation with regrets. These limits are influenced and/or restricted by external forces – pricing, strategy, risk, relationships etc. And just as you have limits, so does your counterpart.  When your counterpart’s limits seem to be unreasonable or rigid, ask investigative questions to better understand what is behind the scenes. What is going on? Why is somebody responding like that? How can you help them remove their constraints or concerns?

Understand what is behind a demand – and then look to interpret them as opportunities

When our negotiating partner makes “excessive demands” we feel attacked and can become defensive. We then focus on either avoiding, mitigating, or even combatting this demand. The response of an investigative negotiator is to understand what is behind the demand and what they can actually learn from it. How can they reframe the demand from a threat to an opportunity? Malhotra and Bazerman article illustrates this nicely with the story of a construction company closing a major deal. Just before the deal was closed the property developer introduced a game-changing penalty clause for late completion.  In this case, reframing looked like “why was this penalty clause so important?” which led to “ timely completion was hugely important” which then led to “was the developer interested in completion ahead of schedule?“ . The negotiation concluded with the construction company agreeing to pay higher penalties than proposed and with a sizable bonus for early completion.

Look to create common ground

Despite the pervasive mantras of “partnership” and “win-win”, too often when we are in a negotiation it we end up with “”sides”. My side and your side, you are my competitor etc …This means that we miss out on opportunities to create value. Investigative negotiators focus on genuinely exploring areas of mutual interest to find real common ground.  This can be especially important when negotiating across cultures.

When things don’t work out keep on investigating

Even after rejection, there is nothing to be lost, and actually much to be gained, by asking “What would it have taken for us to reach agreement?” or “Can you explain to me why we lost this business? … as I’d like to learn for next time”.  It is much easier to get unguarded information when there is no deal to be done. If you don’t know what went wrong, how can you improve your approach in similar future negotiations? And of course there is always a chance of actually reopening negotiations based on the new insight.

Useful language and further reading for negotiators

 As Deepak Malhotra wrote “In the end, negotiation is an information game. Those who know how to obtain information perform better than those who stick with what they know.”

Using investigative questions

  • What is important to you?
  • Why is this important?
  • What is it you need?
  • Which part of my suggestion can you accept? Not accept?  And why?
  • Why can/can’t you ?

Building and practising active listening skills

Active listening (as the name suggests) is when you actively and fully concentrate on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words. Communication theory breaks what is being said into two elements – the content and the context. Content is the what – the data, the facts, the information etc. Context refers to everything else that is going on when somebody speaks with you – the relationship, the background, the situation, the emotions etc. Active listening involves paying close attention to the content being shared AND the contextual components between the listener (the receiver) and the speaker (the sender). Skilled active listeners can hear the what PLUS interest, emotion, concern, energy and other contextual factors from the speaker’s perspective. And they can hear what isn’t being said.

How good are your listening skills?

Books on negotiations

  • Negotiation Genius: How to Overcome Obstacles and Achieve Brilliant Results at the Bargaining Table and Beyond (Malhotra and Bazerman)
  • Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It (Chris Voss)
  • Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations: Negotiating with Difficult People (Ury)
  • and the sequel Getting to Yes: Negotiating an agreement without giving in (Fisher and Ury)

Finally, as a training company, you just know we’re going to suggest organizing negotiation training for yourself or your team.

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6 reasons why silence is golden in presentations

I recently delivered a two-day Presenting with IMPACT course for a group of highly-talented professionals, all of whom came from different countries and had different job functions.  Their levels of English varied slightly, as did their age, work experience and confidence.  The one thing this highly diverse group did have in common was their tendency to talk too much during their presentations. Why is that a problem you ask?  Aren’t we supposed to talk when presenting…isn’t that the point?  Of course it is, but there is a time when silence, or a nicely timed pause, works in your favor as the presenter.  We spent a lot of time working on the usage of pauses and silence in their presentations with great results.  So, I’d like to share with you 6 practical ways that silence can improve your presentations:

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It slows you down

Many people struggle with speaking too quickly when they are presenting.  This can be due to nerves, having a lot to cover in a short period of time, etc.  Building planned pauses into your presentation allows you to slow things down, collect yourself and focus on enunciating your message to the audience.

It helps your audience absorb and retain your message

Using a strategic pause after stating your walk away message can allow it to better ‘sink in.’  I’d suggest doing this more than one time throughout your presentation at it will reinforce what you want the audience to do/think/feel after listening to your presentation.

It helps non-native speakers ‘catch up’

Many of our clients present in their second language, English, to an audience who are receiving the message in their second or third language.  Regardless of how talented someone may be in a second or third language, they still need more time to process things compared to their native language.  Using pauses can give the audience ‘space to breath’ and make sure they fully comprehend what you are saying.

 

“Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.”

Marcus Tullius Cicero

It shows willingness to listen and take questions

When a speaker is ‘speed-talking’ through their points, an audience can feel that things are rushed and there is no time for questions.  Fielding and asking questions in a presentation can work in the speaker’s favor if handled correctly.  It involves the audience and gives the presenter a chance to reinforce their walk away message in a context that matters to the audience.

It emphasizes important points

Silence is an effective tool to emphasize important points, build positive suspense and highlight things that need to be clarified.  Mark Twain once said, “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

It shows confidence, control and poise

Most of us get nervous and experience stress when speaking in public.  The important thing is not show it when presenting if possible.  Using pauses and silence throughout your presentation will give you the breaks you need to collect yourself and refocus if need be.

Try it for yourself…

Using pauses and silence when speaking doesn’t come natural for a lot of people.  It takes practice and being open to feedback from colleagues or friends.  One quick and easy activity to practice using pauses is as follows:

  1. Write down 2 sentences on what you will do after work today. For example: I will finish work at 6pm and head to the supermarket. After shopping, I will go home and cook dinner for my family.
  2. Read the 2 sentences out loud as you normally would.
  3. Now, read the 2 sentences again out loud, but this time with a 3 second pause in between them. (count to 3 in your head between the sentences)

It sounds like a simple exercise, but many people have a hard time waiting the full three seconds to start the second sentence.  Try this with a colleague at work over lunch.  Ask each other how it sounds and how you feel.  Try it a few more times and then try using it at least once the next time you speak in front of people.

We have all heard the phrase ‘Silence is golden’.  Whether you agree with this or not, try to use a little bit of it in your next presentation.  I think you will be pleased with the results, and your audience will be too.

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Does the Peter Principle still hold true? (And what you can do to develop your managers.)

Nearly half a century ago Laurence J. Peter published his seminal work on selection and promotion, “The Peter Principle”.  In this satirical look at why things go wrong in businesses, he argued that the selection of a candidate for a position is based on the candidate’s performance in their current role, rather than on abilities relevant to the intended role. Thus, employees only stop being promoted once they can no longer perform effectively, and “managers rise to the level of their incompetence.” His theory is so convincing that you feel it must be one of those natural laws that is just simply true, and indeed the Peter Principle is based on the behavioural observation that there is a strong temptation for people to use what has worked before, even when this might not be appropriate for the new situation.

eBook: The definitive checklist for qualifying training providers

Over the last couple of decades I have had the impression that the Peter principle is either out of fashion or no longer as relevant. Management training is now so widespread that all managers are now allegedly agile, change agents, ace communicators and inspirational. Yet intuitively I have always felt the Peter Principle in its elegant simplicity must still hold true, so you can imagine my relief when I came across an article in the Times by Alexandra Frean entitled, “Rise of the accidental manager lies behind UK’s low productivity”. She uses the term ‘accidental managers’ and explains “they have excelled in their role and are rewarded with promotion to a management position that is entirely different from the job they have been doing, only to flounder when they get there.” Does this sound familiar? The focus of her article is that accidental managers are more prevalent in the UK and account for the UK’s poor productivity. According to Ann Francke, head of the Chartered Management Institute (CMI), four out of five bosses in Britain are accidental managers; so 2.4 million managers are probably not delivering to full capability. And international comparisons indicate UK managers perform 30% below the benchmarked countries of Germany and Scandinavia. Francke does not agree that good managers are born not made and makes an impassioned plea for more and better training.

Which neatly brings us on to the question: What does effective management training look like? Here are four thoughts to consider:

Invest early

Building skills, knowledge and behaviors in young managers can provide spectacular results for years to come! Simply teaching and training simple skills for managing the task, the team and the individuals, does yield real returns. More investment at the beginning is a must especially training solutions for when they first move into management  .

Show the managers that their managers care about the training

Research consistently shows that when a training participant’s manager shows interest and involvement this is the single most important factor in transferring the training to the workplace. Involvement starts with explaining the purpose of the training and linking it to values, strategy and concrete business needs. It finishes with senior managers who are committed to delivering results through developing performance. And keep this human!

Fewer models

There are hundreds of management, communication, team, interpersonal dynamics, and strategy models. Good management training understands that models can be useful BUT they need to be simple to grasp, easy to remember and actionable. And be aware of trying to bend a model out of shape just to fulfil a trainer’s desire to show how everything fits. Managers can deal with complexity too!

Skill drills beat bullet points

It’s not what you know it’s what you do as a manager that counts. Discussing the role of feedback, exploring SCARF, sharing horror stories can be useful BUT the most important things is to get managers practicing, practicing and practicing.  Skill drills change behaviors and build confidence.  Yes, role-plays aren’t real but they give you an opportunity to experiment and practice! And my experience is that investing in business actors always add value too. This is why Target’s own leadership and management programs focus on doing (again and again).

 

 

 

 

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Making a difference in meetings – 6 approaches for introverts to be heard

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“You’re too quiet”, “you need to be more involved in our meetings and discussions” and “people who matter are getting the wrong impression of you because you aren’t forward enough “.  This is the feedback Sven, a high-potential from a German automotive company, shared with me during a management training program. Sven was clearly able and bright – but he was a classic “introvert”. The idea of extraversion–introversion is a core dimension in most personality trait models, including the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator. Sven is reflective rather than outgoing, and prefers working alone to working in groups.  Sven wanted to think before he talked, as opposed to talking to think. However, his natural introversion was getting in the way of his career opportunities.  Sven wanted to know “What can I do to be more involved in meetings … without having to be a different person?”
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Always prepare before the meeting

If you don’t have the agenda then get hold of one. If the organizer hasn’t prepared an agenda then ask them what they want to get from the meeting and which questions do they want to discuss Who is going to be there? Why have they been invited? Who will assume which roles? Get your thoughts together ahead of time. Write down questions, concerns and points you want to share. Turn up with a couple of clear points you want to contribute. This preparation means that you can …

Speak up early on

If you know what the meeting is about you can and should get actively involved as quickly as possible. Get your thoughts on the table as quickly as you can. This means that you will feel part of the meeting from the start, others will see you as involved and you’ll notice people connecting, challenging, or building on your contributions. And if your meeting quickly goes into an unexpected direction …

Take control if you aren’t ready to speak

When somebody wants to pull you in to the meeting and you feel you aren’t ready then actively control this. You have the right to take a little more time. Try expressions like:

  • “I’d like to think this through fully first before I answer”
  • “I’m thinking this through and would like a little more time”
  • “I’d like to let this settle and think it over. Can I get back to you this afternoon?”

Be aware that there is a danger of over-thinking too, and you may find the meeting has moved on too fast. With this in mind …

Accept that sometimes you need to just speak

If you aren’t fully ready to speak but feel you can’t ask for time try expressions like …

  • “I’m just thinking out loud now …”
  • “My first thought is …”
  • “This isn’t a fully-formed suggestion but how about …”
  • “Ideally I’d like to think this over some more , but my initial impression is ..”

And you don’t always need to have original ideas. If you’re not at your best try to …

Play to your strengths and leverage your listening skills

Many introverts are considered good listeners. You haven’t been talking that much and you’ve probably heard things that others haven’t (as they’ve been busy talking). This means you can …

  • “If I can just reflect back what I’ve heard so far …”
  • “What I’ve heard is … “
  • “I heard Olaf mention XXX, but then everybody kept moving on. I’d like to go back and ask …”
  • “I think we’ve missed something here ..”
  • “There seems to be a lot of focus on XX, but nobody has thought about YYY”
  • “If I can play devil’s advocate for a moment ..”

Accept and embrace that you can’t be perfect (all the time)

Nobody wants to come across as stupid or incompetent. But if you aren’t visible be aware that people may quickly see you as “the assistant”, or “the doer but not the thinker”.  Everybody has said things that have been wrong, incomplete, or poorly thought through. And vulnerability is  important for building trust. We trust people who are human and fallible. Be open to risking sharing ideas and thoughts and try expressions like …

  • “This idea isn’t fully formed but maybe you can help me …”
  • “I’m concerned I’ve got the wrong end of the stick here so let me just check ..”
  • “I know I’m missing something but here’s where I am so far ..”

And finally…

If the English is an issue then consider getting some targeted training. By doing the above you’ll quickly begin to be seen as playing an active role, and be viewed as a contributor. You can also expect to grow in confidence over time as you see strategies working and people reacting to you differently.

 

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Why, statistically speaking, your emails probably aren’t as clear as you think they are

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At the time of writing this blog it’s estimated that 269 billion mails are sent a day. Once we’ve cut out all the spam (say 50%) that is still an awful lot of communication. But how effective is email as a communication tool really? Put simply – it depends. If a mail is well-written, for example using the SUGAR approach, email can be an effective way of communicating information and sharing ideas. However, where email begins to struggle is when it includes or conveys an emotion. And we’re not talking about BIG EMOTIONS – most of us are aware sending emails when tired, upset, angry etc isn’t a good idea. Email communication also struggles when we try to convey much subtler emotions – irony, sarcasm, satisfaction etc.

Writing emails that people read: Free eBook download

Why do we struggle to communicate emotions through email?

In our conversations, we convey emotion through both words AND paralinguistic cues (body language, facial movements, expressions, gestures, emphasis, tone, intonation etc). In fact it gets more complicated as sometime the absence of an expected paralinguistic cue is what conveys the emotion, or a shared context, for example when expressing irony or sarcasm.

When it comes to email we try to convey emotion through word choice, sentence structures and – whether you like them or not –  visuals such as emojis (yes, they are now common even in business).  However, scientific research shows that we tend to consistently overestimate our email writing skills.

Why writing an email is particularly different

Communicating in writing isn’t new – but the ubiquity and pervasiveness of email is!  Writing and physically posting letters meant that, to a greater extent, we planned and considered what we wrote and how we wrote it.  Nobody posted a 3 line letter.  Today, the speed and convenience of email means that we too often just type and send. This brings with it a whole new set of behaviours, and because it is so much a part of modern communication we don’t take time to evaluate how we use it or look to sharpen our writing skills

Research on how we don’t communicate as well as we think we do via email

There’s plenty of research from social psychologists into how we communicate by email. One interesting piece of research shows that the limitations of email are often underappreciated when it comes to communicating an intended emotion  – and that when we are writing an email we consistently overestimate how well our reader will understand what we are saying.

Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Kruger, Epley, Parker and Zhi-Wen Ng, ran a series of studies comparing how well an email writer evaluated their email with the reader.

  • In one study 97% of the authors expected the serious and half-sarcastic sentences in their email to be correctly decoded. The readers successfully decoded just 84%.
  • Another study compared overconfidence when communicating with their voice versus overconfidence when communicating via email. When communicating with their voice 77.9% believed their tone would be understood – whereas it was in fact 73.1% . A noticeable gap BUT significantly better than the email results where 78% believe their tone would be understood whereas it was actually just 56%!
  • But it’s different when you are writing to a colleague who knows you well, right? Perhaps not – a third study looked at overconfidence when communicating with strangers versus friends. Surprisingly, the results suggested that familiarity does not translate into communication accuracy.
  • And finally, yet another study demonstrated how email writer are consistently overconfident in their ability to be funny in an email!

Why are we so convinced our emails are easy to decode?

It’s easy to lay the blame with the reader. Maybe they read the mail too quickly, or skimmed it on their phone as they were walking to their next meeting.  Maybe their language skills aren’t strong enough and they need to improve their business English. And dare we say it, perhaps they are just too dim to understand our well-crafted emails!

In fact, it often comes down to our being egocentric. Studies such as Elizabeth Newton’s “tapping study” , where participants were asked to tap the rhythm of a well-known song they were listening to  – and then estimate whether another listener would guess the song by their (clearly skilful) tapping (50% vs 3%), show how easily we convince ourselves that our reality is obvious. They also shine a light on how difficult we find it to imagine the perspective of somebody else (e.g. “I clearly meant it to be ironic – how could they not get that!?!”).

So what can you do to help your readers interpret your emails correctly?

Here are three things you can keep in mind for the future:

  1. Before you hit send reread your email with your “ambiguity radar” on.  If something could be read in different ways then rewrite it, clarify it – or just delete it.
  2. If the mail does have an emotional component, leave it alone for thirty minutes and then reread with a fresh set of eyes.
  3. If something is a joke, use emojis.

And finally, if you’re not sure, use the phone.

MORE ON EFFECTIVE EMAILING

 

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Negotiations in English – tips and phrases (for beginners)

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Working within a central purchasing and logistics business unit, negotiation is a word that one cannot escape. Most of my participants have dealings with suppliers within Germany, though some negotiate with suppliers worldwide. Negotiation skills are a key part of the on-the-job training and support that I deliver. In this post, I’ve collected some basic negotiating “musts” that I use in my training.

The big (free) eBook of negotiations language

Prepare

Preparation is the first key factor for all negotiations. In order for you negotiation meeting to be a success you must have clear goals in mind, acceptable alternatives and possible solutions, what you’re willing to trade, and finally what your bottom line is- where you are not prepared to budge. In “negotiations-speak”: You need to know your BATNA.

Start positive

Highlight all the positive goals both parties want to achieve for the day to reduce any tense atmosphere and break the ice with some healthy small talk.

  • Our aim today is to agree on a fair price that suits both parties.
  • I’d like to outline our aims and objectives…
  • How do our objectives compare to yours?

Effective questioning

Ask open ended questions in order to establish what the other party wants. Use questions to dig deeper, to uncover needs, to reveal alternative options, etc.

  • Could you be more specific?
  • How far are you willing to compromise?
  • Where does your information come from?

Agreeing

When your counterpart makes an acceptable suggestion or proposal you can agree to show enthusiasm and highlight how you are mutually benefiting from something. Revealing your stance will also help come to a favourable negotiation.

  • That seems like a fair suggestion.
  • I couldn’t agree more.
  • I’m happy with that.

Disagreeing

Disagreements are a normal and positive part of building a relationship and coming to an agreement, they show transparency. It is always a good idea to anticipate possible disagreements before going into a negotiation meeting.  However, disagreements should not come across threatening but instead should be mitigated and polite.

  • I take your point, however…
  • I’m afraid we have some reservation on that point…
  • I would prefer …

Clarifying

In order to avoid any misunderstandings especially in an environment where English is the lingua franca, it is fundamental to be clear about your goals but also ask for clarification when something isn’t clear to you.

  • If I understand correctly, what you’re saying is …
  • I’m not sure I understand your position on…
  • What do you mean by … ?

Compromising

Compromising is often required at times during a negotiation, and the way you do it is often an indicator of the importance of some of the negotiation terms. Remember, when you do compromise consider getting something for giving.

  • In exchange for….would you agree on..?
  • We might be able to work on…
  • We are ready to accept your offer; however, there would be one condition.

Bargaining

This is the moment to debate price, conditions or a transaction where one must be firm, ambitious and ready to justify their offers.  In this stage you can employ hard ball tactics or a softly softly approach, either way being prepared with a strategy will take you to the winning road.

  • I’m afraid we can only go as low as…
  • From where we stand an acceptable price would be…
  • Our absolute bottom line is …

Summarising

There are key moments when summarising will take place during a negotiation; concluding discussion points, rounds of bargaining and the final commitment.  This stage is also the moment of agreeing on the next steps and it is vital not to leave anything unsaid.

  • Let’s look at the points we agree on…
  • Shall we sum up the main points?
  • This is where we currently stand …

Of course…

There’s a lot more to negotiating. Sometimes not saying anything is a valuable approach, while creating and claiming value is also a must. Feel free to contact us if you’re interested in learning more about what we can do for you/your team. Or keep an eye on this blog, for more negotiation tips and phrases.

I’ll leave you with another great piece of free content: 1001 Meetings phrases.

Go to the eBook

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